Financials – she still haven’t answered to this and it is now three months since I asked the first time. Exchange server – she still needs to answer! She still has access.
F,
The exchange server issue has been going on for some time. My suggestion is for you to send W an email informing her that you will disconnect her from it in xxx time frame. This way, she is properly notified and act to make alternate arrangements on her own. Then at the said deadline, cut her off from the exchange server after sending out one final email on the day before as a reminder. It is as simple as that. W needs a dose of reality.
As for the financials, I would do this after the exchange server issue has been addressed and after the Xmas holidays. You don't want to have a tense discussion on financials around the holidays. Just table it until after the New Year.
Is this something that you would be comfortable doing at this stage? Seems to me that the discussions on exchange server has been going on and on and on.
I don't understand the need to cut her off the exchange server. What is the big deal about this? Is it just to make her 'face the reality' of leaving? If it is, honestly, I think it will just make you come across as a jerk, or angry and bitter if you keep bringing it up and it will not help your cause at all. If it gives her access to company information she shouldn't have, that is different.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
ME (14:11) Hi Ds have had a nice but busy weekend. D4 has been missing some and was rather sad this morning. D6 will possibly ask about filmnight tomorrow. It is all right with me, but entirely up to you. Let me know if it is all right. Say hi to the Ds. Fartiltre
W (14:27): Hey. Thanks for update. I think D4 is just having a bad period. She is almost sad everytime I set her off at kindergarten. But she is in general having a hard time saying goodbye. She get’s some extra hugs. I hope you had a nice day Saturday. Weather was great It’s fine with filmnight. I will talk to her and let you know. Are you still watching StarWars or have you changed kategori…? D6 has been having some bad dreams about death and destruction, buring houses and that we all die…! Have you thought about this being to early for her? It is called adult-starwars for a reason Talk later
Me (14:37) I have talked with D6 about it and first we agreed not to see Starwars. She has told about the dreams. She came on her own initiative and said that she would like to see it. I have told her to think about it and then ask you for permission if she still feel like it. I just wanted to inform you so you know that she might ask
Call from W W called a minute later and we spoke for around 15 min. At first she seems annoyed about the last sentence in the latter text I sended but after I explained that it was just to inform and that I meant nothing else she calmed down. Then we discussed the StarWars. Calm and pleasant. She apologized for not telling me sooner about D6s bad dreams and I told her that I have seen nothing of this and that it is the first time D6 has talked about it. We exchanged views and solved the issue.
Until this point in the convo this seemed like her only reason to call but then she brought up the Christmas and planning. We quickly agreed on that 25/12 is the children’s day and that no shifting should be done there. Her birthday is 26/12 and she invited me to come over to her place. She would like the Ds to be there and I told her off course and that they should. I didn’t answer her invitation. She told me who she invited – Neighbors, my best friend and his W, MIL, SIL, but she didn’t mention others and frankly there won’t be room for more. We normally attend church on the 26.12 and afterwards visit neighbors. We also talked a little about that and she stated that she is going. I didn’t say if we are going or not. Then she invited herself to come to my place on the 23. I didn’t answer this as well. She informed that she and Ds will go to XW1 for New Year’s eve. I told her that it sounded nice. She asked about how the Christmasparty Saturday turned out, how many attended and so on. I told her a little about it.
The talk was much longer than normal. She talked most the time, but since I am now speaking more, the dialogue is more fluent. I still do not ask her questions other than about the children.
She seems so utterly gone when we talk like this. Her voice is calm, pleasant but cold, she seems to have it all figured out and she asks but doesn’t tell (I am opposite). During the call she stated that she finds it important that I do things like film-evenings without D4 and that she won’t do a second Christmas with the Ds. She seems like everything is just absolutely fine and she seems to be happy I believe the call went OK all though she might be wondering why I didn’t make any decisions. I feel like jumping into my car, drive to her place and then give her a big hug and a kiss without saying anything……and just hoping that this nightmare will end!
Wonka & LTH, Thanks for advising me! Wonka, you are so right – the money-issue should wait and it will! LTH, you might just be right. She has a password to company exchange server, that I wouldn’t even give a dear friend. It’s a service that can be bought for 2 USD a month but at the same time I am properly out to make her face reality. I will leave the Exchange-server be for now. …so I didn’t bring any of this up! Wonka, I like your advice on the server issue, but for now I will talk to my partners about it. If they do not see a problem I will let W be there for some time. This is only because I hope to R – if I didn’t she would have lost access a long time ago.
Right now I am feeling like: Having her over on the 23 and doing something nice and cozy for some hours with the children.
I do not feel like attending her birthday so I will properly decline this one.
I do not know where I am in regards of church and visit neighbors. PROs: It is a nice day. It could be a nice day to show the meaning of family and doing things together – to W and to everybody else. CONs: I won’t feel good about this – it will feel awkward. The children should not shift place there. The children will be all over her since they haven’t seen her for a week and that could make me feel left out! Neighbors, W and Ds will leave for Ws place to celebrate her birthday afterwards and S10 and I will not – that might seem strange to him and Ds.
I could also go contra on this one and invite her to come to my place an hour before church and then go along – that could take the edge off the children and make the exchange of bags easier and more comfortable.
ADVICE?
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
It seems that W is starting to thaw despite some "coldness" in her voice. You are doing a good job of DBing and not asking W too many questions.
As for the invites, the best path is to go with the flow with W and accept her invites. Then showcase the best F in the best possible light which means new clothes, groomed, upbeat attitude, and make light hearted comments/jokes. We're all drawn to people who exude and radiate positiveness, right?
Since things are progressing nicely, I'd hold off on that exchange server thing. Otherwise you'd poke at the hornet's nest with this matter.
Keep asking yourself this question: Will this action/words bring me closer to the goal?
That has been the mainstay in my DBing skills whether it is with Ms. Wonka, my new hot girl, friends, and the workplace.
When I spoke to W this afternoon she told me she would let me know if D6 would come over for film tomorrow. She texted.
W (19:51):Hey. D6 would like to stay here tomorrow. We will just find another day. Have a nice evening and say hi to S10 Me (19:54):Ok…say hi to both W (19:55):Will do
Wonka, Thanks for the kind words about DBing and progress! Case is that it doesn’t feel that way right now. See, my W has been nice all along with very few exceptions, but I guess it’s all about patience. I do hope your judgment is better than mine
The sentences you wrote are great and easy implemented – that’s how I like it This one - Will this action/words bring me closer to the goal? – on the other hand has been my biggest problem since all of this started. I simply make the wrong calls and therefore I am following advice from in here to the letter – if possible!
I am still in doubt about the invitations.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Hey F, still reading up on your sitch, just not able to respond the way I want to when at work. Will be back online around the 19th or 20th in a better environment to communicate.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
She told me that D6 has been complaining about taking bath together with S10 and that he isn’t that fun to play with. I told W that I already had the talk with both of them and then I thanked her for putting this to my notice. After this a silent time and then she shifted and talked about D4 being sad this morning. She was referring to D4 being sad Monday. I told W that D4 was expressing sadness when I left and that she told she was going to miss me. W said something like “Well, it can be a lot of other reasons. I also remember D6 being sad for a long time when she was younger and the adults at kindergarten agrees with me”. I told that I do to and that I only referred what D4 told me.
Then she started talking about D4 having guest over today and I told W that I already know this, that it sounds nice and so on. She told me how easy it is since she is in the city now and that D6 is having friends over a lot. She also said that it is nice that today D4 is having friends over since she tends to forget her.
I listened and answered shortly without stating anything – using some of Wonkas sentences – great! The talk was calm and pleasant but held 3-4 odd silent periods that I chose not to break today.
The call lasted 3 min.
I didn’t talk about the invitations – I still hope for advice on these!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
To be short! The thing that is bugging me the most is that I seem to be making the wrong calls and that I have been doing this since the start of this. If I act on my feelings I backslide and if act on my brains it seems like I am playing games…sometimes I don’t know what is up and down That’s why I decided to follow advice from Sandi as strictly as possible and I still do and will keep doing this until I don’t feel like it anymore! That decision has helped me tremendously!
Right now I am still LRT-dim but have opened up a little 7-10 days ago (I don’t know how well you know my sit). W is contacting me a lot and I contact her as little as possible but trying not be jerkish! I know from friends that W is sad and crying but she is always happy and upbeat with me. It seems like she has evolved into the master of PMA If you need me to fill you in then let me know! My threads are awfully long!
The issue with these 2-3 invitations: She invited me for her birthday and I believe that she would like me (and S10) to attend. I do not feel like attending, but….: Act on feelings: I don’t go Act on brains: I maybe go (feeling awkward there will make it hard to ve fun, loose, alpha and so on) Act on being nice: I do go Focus on me: I don’t go Focus on things that brings me closer to goal: I maybe go The pro’s and con’s add up to a list that my brain simply can’t find heads and tails in!
Then she invited herself over on the 23. That I am cool with. My place, good for the children and so on – all fine!
The church and neighbor thing is also on her birthday. Church is at 10, then some hours at neighbors and then birthday party. I would love to attend the church and neighbor thing with the children - but without W. I really do not think that’s the place to hand over children, bags and so on. Children haven’t seen W for a week (besides 23) and they will eat her – that might make me feel left out! If I do not attend the birthday then W, Ds and possible others will leave for her birthday and that might seem strange to S10. I will feel awkward there.
That’s why I thought about inviting her to my place before the church and give the Ds some time to adjust. Then arrange something great with S10 so it won’t seem strange that we do not attend birthday.
…so what’s bugging me I want to do right, I want to do what’s best for my children, for me and for the possibility of R – but I F it up a lot!
Wonka, thanks – I do hope the above make sense. It might seem like I am low on PMA, confidence and so on – I do not feel that’s the case at the moment. I just want to make the right calls and I do not have the experience and the knowledge to do this.
That said: I also have a hard time not reading anything into Ws actions at the moment. It was so much easier just declining everything
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Talk later
