NEW LIFE / NEW ME - AIRBORNE II

[Fartiltre]

Pleasant day!

When I drove by W to pick up the bag today she was home again – this might be the new normal!

She saw my car and when I got out she came to the door with the bag. She handed me some pictures that was taken at D6s School – she had ordered and paid for an extra copy for me. We talked a little about this. Then she asked about the hunt with S10 yesterday. I posted this on FB and she gave it a like. I told her about the day, how exited S10 and how proud I had felt for some time. We talked about some issues with D6s using bad language and some other subjects.
She talked a lot about friends visiting D6.

I used many more words than normal, I laughed, kept eye-contact – it all! Only thing to mention is that now I feel awkward doing this. The strict LRT so far has rooted itself and now I need to change it again. With this in mind I believe the meet-up went very well.
We talked for 5-6 min. compared to the normal 2-3 min.
We didn’t hug when we met up and when I left, I simply touched her arm and said goodbye.
When I left she wished us a nice Christmas-party on Saturday and told me to say hi to all.

Then I picked up the Ds – so good to see them!!!
While driving back and forth from supermarket to girlscouting and back again I passed Ws house three times this evening. Normally I don’t feel like looking but today I did. She just sat there at a table and I felt sorry for her! Don’t exactly know why but she just looked lonely and writing this I realize that all of this has ruined her life-dream. I hope she finds room to forgive me and herself at some later point!

I also had a short talk with a friend today. This is the friend that W cried at few weeks ago. He is very close to me and still have contact with W. I told him that the last few times I have mentioned W he has been very silent and I told him that I needed for us to clarify on this. He stated that this wasn’t on purpose and afterwards I told him that I respected him for keeping confidentiality with both me and W. It ended with him saying that he has known me for 20 years or so and only very few times has he been confused about me, my opinions and my goals – now is one of those times. I told him that I was confused as well and that’s properly is what he is feeling. I also told him that if W came tomorrow and asked to move back in I properly wouldn’t know what to respond.
He stated that he and his W like W and I told him that I know and understand. Then I asked him if at any point he had felt me wanting him to choose side and he told me no.
It was a nice and good talk. I feel good about not addressing this until now.

Yesterday I hunted with S10 and today a stag got hit by a car where I live. The deer was brought to me to be fixed and D6 was so awesome and curious. She ended up with the heart in her hands and when I finished she carried it to the kitchen. She and I cleaned the heart from the stag and the deer S10 and I shot yesterday – tomorrow we will cook them
Afterwards we ate dinner at neighbors!

[Fartiltre]

I forgot one little thing about my talk with W yesterday.

She stated that she was looking for Christmas presents for me from the girls. “There should be something under the tree for you” she said. I told her no need more than once, but she insisted and told me that she have already talked with the girls and asked them what to give me. They had come up with a car and a rifle and things like that. So we talked about wishes and I told her that I wished for something the Ds have made themselves – like a painting or so.

[melissag]

I used many more words than normal, I laughed, kept eye-contact – it all! Only thing to mention is that now I feel awkward doing this. The strict LRT so far has rooted itself and now I need to change it again. With this in mind I believe the meet-up went very well.

Sounds like things are going well, F! Good for you for being a little more friendly with W - it sounds like she is receptive to it, so that's a great sign. I know how you feel about being awkward - I am not even doing LRT, but I have gotten so used to not asking questions, not talking about myself, and giving H space, that it sometimes feels sort of scary to do anything else.

[Fartiltre]

Nice morning with the Ds all though it became a little too late yesterday because of the stag.

I had the day off because I wanted to see S10 at Santa Lucia parade. He was walking with his class. So D4 took the day off as well and she and I went to see S10. We shopped some on the way home and picked up D6 as early as possible.
I have bought some paint so the Ds can make a picture for W, as a Christmas-present.

Yesterday I posted about the stag on FB and how cool D6 was during all of this. Today W liked this post and furthermore she commented on it, something like “There have never been any doubt about her being sooo cool ;-)” Hard to translate but the phrasing is nice, pleasant and a little funny in my native language.

W called at 7PM asking if I had gotten the message from D6s School. They closed the school at 1PM because of a storm (Police told everybody to stay indoor). I told her that I picked D6 up early because D4 and I had taken the day off and visited S10 at his school. We talked a little about the storm and then she asked about what we had been doing at S10s School. I shared shortly but also decided that enough is enough.
I came out kind and definitely more informative than prior. I ended the call and this weird feeling of her trying to hang on or feeling odd about ending the call hit me once again.
Call lasted 2½ min.

I once again find myself wondering about her actions and trying to creep inside her mind after all the interactions the last two weeks or so. This means that I am taking the focus off me and putting it on her and I will have to revert this.

I also now know one of the reasons this opening up a little is hard on me! I can’t measure it! Don’t call, don’t tell her anything, don’t visit her, don’t anything is easy to measure – this opening up is about how I comprehend and understand the term and afterwards how I apply it.

Melissa,
Thanks for your input – I will need to adjust as it goes along and then properly add patience

F

[hotwheelsaust]

F, this whole sitch (all of our sitch's) are hard to measure at times. We don't know whether we are on the right track, doing well or messing it all up.
From what you have been writing, it does seem the track you are on is working. It definitely isn't on the track of not working.
Your W is noticing things with you, and I think that is why the phone calls and text. I think in her way she is checking the new you out. Are you this way all the time? Those type of questions to herself.
We will question ourselves, I think that is what the BD has done to us all. Made us think more.

[Fartiltre]

HWA,

Good to hear from you! And good points as well! But as you also write - who the F knows anything.
I stick to this right now and as long as I feel fairly good or better about it!

And yes, we think more! To much sometimes

F

[Fartiltre]

W texted yesterday at midnight and asked if I could come by and pick up D6s winterboots since it has gotten colder. I didn’t see it until this morning. I was busy and didn’t answer. In retro I could have but properly didn’t feel like it.
Then she called this morning and asked if I had seen her text. I don’t know why; but I told her no and asked what it was about. We sorted out the boots and she will set them off at D6s school. Then she asked why I don’t answer her texts and something about me always answering after a long period of time – like a day or so. I went defensive and told her that I tjeck my phone for texts at least once a day. It all came out calm, nice and pleasant but she seems a little annoyed about me not being that responsive. The lying and the defensive mode will have to go. I should simply have stated that “Yes I got your text” and when she asked “W, I was busy with the Ds”
Feel free to 2x4
After this she asked about the storm yesterday and how the house and garden handled it. I told her a little and not just “Fine”
Call lasted 2 min.

Another friend of mine came today and told me he got the ILYBINILWY-talk from his GF yesterday. When these things happens around me I get a picture of the movement I have gone through, the knowledge I have obtained and some of my new skills. So while I feel so sorry for him at the same time I feel good about the place I am at right now.

XW1 called today and told me that she had a crazy idea. Then she asked what I was doing for Christmas. I told her that IMO the best I could do was to keep it about me and the kids.
Then she asked how I would feel about me, XW1, W and the kids being together for Christmas.
I told her – perhaps a little to firm – to forget about this and that it wouldn’t happen. I caught my self being a little harsh and used a minute or to explain my standing and telling her that it was nice of her to think about me and the children.
I am still surprised but think I handled this OK – I could have done better but also worse! I listened and reacted – a break would have been a good idea.

It is hard for me to believe that XW1 and W haven’t talked about this idea – but who knows! One thing is certain – I do NOT feel like doing this!

Rest of the day has been nice!
Tomorrow it is Christmas party time. I am looking forward to this!

[sandi2]

Do you ever wonder if XW1 is at the bottom of the your W's breakup with you? I mean, she plays nicy-nice to her, but she has pursued you ever since W left.

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

Haven't looked at it that way and honestly I do not feel pursued but I could just be blind!
I think XW1 and W cooked this one up, but (mindreading, yes!) I think they both want's cake! Anyway it's a cake I won't serve!

I simply do not know what's going on at the moment, but this was unexpected - some curveball

F

[Fartiltre]

Weekend is over!
We had a great christmasparty yesterday! Good food, Christmas-tree, Santa looked by with candy for the kids…everything was great!

I am missing W awfully much these days and she is on my mind many many times a day. I have even for the first time in months taken myself in thinking about calling her (and backsliding). I won’t do it – just thinking it, and that tell something about how attached I still am.

Kids have been good but all the time I see situations where two parents would be better. That said I also find myself not being the optimal farther and at the same time realizing that I will never be that unless I win the lottery! That’s hurting me bad these days!

Still I am feeling up and quite good!

I still have some unsettled things that I need to sort out with W:
Financials – she still haven’t answered to this and it is now three months since I asked the first time.
Exchange server – she still needs to answer! She still has access.
Christmas – we still haven’t planned the days.

I have been thinking a lot about the Christmaspresent that she brought up. To be honest I don’t feel like receiving anything from her and I won’t buy her anything. I have bought canvas so the children can do a picture. I will properly talk to her about this next time we talk and settle things so none of us end up buying something and feeling awkward.

I have the christmascards almost ready and they will be great. Tomorrow I will ask a friend to go over them to make sure that wordings are nice and pleasant all the way through and that they can be misinterpreted as other than pleasant….just to be absolutely sure!

Next week is a busy one: Work, GAL (meeting up with two distant but old pals!) and preparation for Christmas will take all my time.