NEW LIFE / NEW ME - AIRBORNE II

[Fartiltre]

Found the words to put on the feeling:
The feeling I had at the end of the convo – in fact twice – was the feeling of her waiting for me to say, do, initiate (or likewise) something.
I still know it is a feeling and perhaps includes mindreading – but that’s what I felt!

Just for my record!

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

Thanks!! I feel good about it as well.
Did you have a chance to look through the short list of actions I posted earlier?

F

[labug]

but it is hard for me to believe that a person will leave a R to make another person happy.

Thanks for your response. I just want to clarify one thing and can only speak of my situation, I don't think my H left to make me happy. He left because HE was unhappy but was then surprised that I wasn't happy. He had felt so discounted by my actions that he thought I wouldn't care.

I guess I was lucky that he was a better DBer (no, he didn't read the book, he was just acting on instinct) than I was in the beginning. We had almost no contact other than "business" for the first 6 months. When we did interact, it was very much of the "friendly neighbor" type.

It seems you and I might both think what your W is saying is true to her now, in the moment or whenever she said those things. You call it spew and BS and I guess that's what throws me off.

Thanks for your insight because this always confuses me and I'm sure it will continue to in some way.

[Fartiltre]

Labug,

You call it spew and BS and I guess that's what throws me off.

And I can see why!
In fact this is both dishonoring and disrespectful. It is a manner of speech I think I have adopted – in fact – from this forum and I do believe that you have read the words harder than they were intended, but I can see why!
I thank you for making me aware of this.
F

[JayMan]

F - do you think you should have pursued a little?

I have to tell you speaking of script, I actually didn't get ILYBINILWY line until about two weeks before W completely broke down and came back. She then told me that was complete BS, and just her desperately trying to justify herself in her head.

[lovethehub]

In the weeks to come I will when/if I see W in person ask her a question or two about her life. I think I will go with subjects like: her new TV-set, working situation and Christmas preparation. I will make the questions about something and not just generals like “How are you”.

I think this is a good idea, don't go overboard - you don't want to go from one extreme to the other but you don't want to seem like you can't stand talking to her either. Warm up a little..

If she starts talking I will simply listen and comment - I won’t share my own life and I will not try to fix hers.

It is good to throw in a little something about your GAL or W won't know you have changed or what she is missing. You don't have to say something every time but if she makes a comment where you can say "Oh yeah, the other night I was out doing xxxx and I felt the same way" or whatever so she knows you are building a life. You want her to wonder what happened to the F she knew and what she is missing.

Otherwise I will keep doing what I am doing in regards of e-mails, texting and phonecalls. I won’t reach out, I will answer questions but if she doesn’t state a question I won’t reply to her text/email.

You can add this is later, you don't want to change everything at once, but you can reply sometimes. If she says something funny reply with a or a 'haha'.

Little by little open up some. You are still LRTing but not in a cold way. From a couple of your recent posts, it sounds as if you have given the impression that you are not the least bit interested and are shutting W out because of her choices. Don't throw yourself at her feet, keep doing what you are doing and in little ways be a little more receptive to her.

[melissag]

but it is hard for me to believe that a person will leave a R to make another person happy.

Thanks for your response. I just want to clarify one thing and can only speak of my situation, I don't think my H left to make me happy. He left because HE was unhappy but was then surprised that I wasn't happy. He had felt so discounted by my actions that he thought I wouldn't care.

Same here. My H said that, during our M, there were times that he really thought I disliked him so much that I would be happier if he just wasn't around.

It hurt like hell to hear him say that, but I believe him. There was some other "script" I didn't believe - the "I don't love you" and such.

Though I have to say, even things that are "script" aren't BS to the person saying them. I think that when a WAS says things like "I don't love you anymore," or "this will never work," etc., they really do think that. Now, maybe they only think that because they have convinced themselves of that so that they can justify what they are doing in their own head, but regardless, I think they do actually think it.

[labug]

Though I have to say, even things that are "script" aren't BS to the person saying them. I think that when a WAS says things like "I don't love you anymore," or "this will never work," etc., they really do think that. Now, maybe they only think that because they have convinced themselves of that so that they can justify what they are doing in their own head, but regardless, I think they do actually think it.

...or are trying to convince themselves that's the truth because they are so hurt.

You could have asked me on any given day during my M before BD, 'do you love your H?' and some days I might have answered, not today, ask me tomorrow. Marriage is a fragile thing and once the momentum starts to go south, the trouble snowballs, especially if the love bank is already near empty.

Caveat, some people do lie, just because that's who they are, but I would guess a spouse would know if they were married to a person who doesn't tell the truth.

[melissag]

...or are trying to convince themselves that's the truth because they are so hurt.

Yes, this. I remember reading in a thread a bit ago, I think it was NTXDad who said that LBSs sometimes don't realize just how awful/hurt the WAS felt in the M. That they may try to write off the WAS's feelings in some way (I think he said mental illness, but I think that lying, script, selfish probably also apply), and that that kind of complacency probably contributed to the breakdown of the M in the fist place.

I try to keep this in mind . . . I think it's important. It just goes along with taking the responsibility and changing the things about myself that need changing.

F, sorry to hijack your thread with this convo . . . but I think it's worth having and a good reminder for all of us that we need to be listening to our Ss, even if they seem to be crazy.

[Fartiltre]

Had a great day with S10 – we stalked the woods for 2½ hour and got the deer.
We have done some preparations for Saturday but tonight we will properly just enjoy ourselves.
A good friend and neighbors dropped by to say hi without notice – great!
I am feeling well these days.

I have been thinking a lot about a statement from one of the guy’s Friday evening. At some point he said “And it was W leaving you and not the other way around?” That has caught my mind and I will properly give him a call this evening and ask him to clarify. He stated that in a way that makes me believe that he was in doubt and I can’t see why he should be that.

Tomorrow Ds will be here and I look forward to seeing them.

JonF,
Thanks for being here! I follow your thread and it seems you are doing very well – that makes me happy!

F - do you think you should have pursued a little?

Nope, not at the moment! IMO W needs more time and so do I. She need to face reality and I need to face me. I am going to open up at bit. I have properly closed almost totally down and to be honest right now it feels wrong to open up. It’s not that I don’t want to be kind – I think I am just feeling rather good most days after starting LRT.
Still I am going strictly on Sandi and LTHs advice. I have been doing that for some time now and they have been spot on.

She then told me that was complete BS, and just her desperately trying to justify herself in her head.

I got the ILUB-speech on day of BD and have gotten I two or three times afterwards. If she said this to justify herself or because that’s actually how she felt I really don’t know, but I choose to believe that she once loved me deeply and that she can do this again.

LTH,
As always – thanks for all your support!

It is good to throw in a little something about your GAL or W won't know you have changed or what she is missing.

I know what you mean but honestly I don’t think I need to do this. The major part of Ws closets friends is also close to me and the other way around. So far I have not lost anybody significant to me and neither have she. On Saturday Ws two closets friends will visit me and my best friend just helped W buy a new TV-set and had her over for dinner. Things are so mixed up that it is hard to believe and I think W knows most of what I do already. Anyhow I will throw in something – it can’t hurt anything or anybody.

Little by little open up some.

I will try to do exactly this, but I will take it very slow! I will stick with the list I posted few days ago.

Melissa,

F, sorry to hijack your thread with this convo

No problem at all! If it’s relevant I welcome it – and this is!

F