ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
S10 and I had a great morning but when I went to my first meeting today I had to tell a very dear friend that his business is a mess – we talked for hours about what to do but haven’t come up with a solution. I will keep on helping him. After this talk I realized how different I am acting in situations like this. I feel I am more caring and compassionate in my angle. Prior to all of this I would have been businesslike, calculating and while still helping I didn’t come out as supporting. I did today! I comforted a friend in need in the best of manner. Realizing this makes me feel good about me. He thanked me many times this evening, not for my advice but for caring and supporting.
HYPNOSIS After this I went through hypnosis. It was a two hour parts-hypnosis and a truly crazy experience. I didn’t believe in things like this and would never have gone before BD but I am so glad I did although I was still very skeptical. He pulled me through a lot. I found myself smiling, I cried a lot, I saw the monsters within me and even named them. In fact there is three. He asked me to make them step forward one by one and we talked with and to them. He asked what we should call them and the words just flew out my mouth: interrupter, egoist and monster. I saw this monster in the eyes. I pictured it and I felt so frightened by it. At the end he asked them to step forward once more and this really scary thing that made me cry when I saw it the first time was now just a single head on a beach – almost made me laugh. Well I can’t explain – simply crazy but also recommendable. Now I am curious if this will change anything but it made me aware and that alone great! If I am able to handle these things within me this one session is better spend than all the shrink sessions together. I look forward to talking to my shrink about this in two weeks.
W AND Ds FOR DINNER Meet up with W was the best so far! They arrived around 18:45 and the Ds just came running in and fell over me. I sat down on the floor and talked a lot with them while fooling around. D4 was wearing her new glasses and she was proud W just stood and looked for a while but I chose to focus on the Ds and the new glasses so no hug for W.
I had the soup and asked D6 to help set the table and light some candles as I usually do. D6 cried when we sat down since D4 was placed in between me and W. W started arguing with her but suddenly a break occurred and it seemed normal for me to say something and instead of arguing about the choice of seat I sat down and asked D6 why she was sad. She explained and I simply validated her. Then I suggested that D4 and D6 could switch places half way in to the meal. I don’t know where that came from but suddenly everything was good again. Prior to BD I would have taken the argument but for what?
Dinner was nice. Strictly talk about Ds.
Afterward I found some music with D6 and W started making coffee as if she was at home – half way in she asked if it was all right. Afterwards she also did the dishes.
D6 wanted to play a game on the computer and while she did that W, D4 and I went through the Christmas-deco. I had decided that I wouldn’t make anything out of this but since W only took things she had prior to us meeting up that was very easy – took less than 5 min. I let her walk around the house and pick the things herself.
I played a lot with the children, fooled around on the floor and was able to enjoy them and the time together. W being here didn’t interfere or interrupt me but we didn’t interact that much together with the children. I looked at her a few times and she just looked like a bystander.
W carried D4 to the car and I D6. I sat D6 in the car and talked with her for quite some time while W was waiting right behind me. When I turned around she reached for a hug and thanked me for a nice evening. D4 started crying – she wanted to stay here.
They left 20:10
I might still come out a little reserved as I still ask her nothing about her, but today I feel I was the kind neighbor and an excellent father without pretending or going somewhere I don’t want to be. W doesn’t ask about my life as well. Awkwardness was gone after 10 seconds and it didn’t return!
I feel good about this meet up but still I also feel like withdrawing a little now. I will see her again on Friday.
I took some pictures at D4 with her new glasses on and when W left I posted it on Facebook. Got a bunch of likes and among them one from W, W niece and another family member of Ws
LIKE FROM SIL The biggest surprise today was my own SIL liking another post I did on FB about my Movember. I haven’t spoken to her for more than half a year and then she suddenly does this. I think that’s what’s called a baby-step but the problem is that I don’t feel like R.
Spend the rest of the evening with my friend in trouble going over his numbers. It doesn’t look good and I feel so sorry for him.
End of a crazy, emotional and truly self-expanding day. WHAT A DAY!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Fantastic F. It sounds like it went very well. It's amazing what DB does for us, in so many different ways: your friend and his business, your D's sharing the seating arrangements. These are our own personal baby steps I believe. I get your view about hypnosis, being very skeptical but also shocked at what can go on.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Woke up and felt so great this morning – like just taking life in! I am feeling good after yesterday and definitely in an up.
My day was planned and pretty busy. A local friend is working from his homeoffice and we have been talking about him joining me at my office. Today he did. We don’t do anything together in regards of work but just getting out was great for him and I have the possibility to offer him this. He is from England and don’t know that many people here.
When I came to the office W texted:
Hey 2 times [name] is ready for the swimmingpool. They are looking so much forward to this. D4 get so sad when I set her off at kindergarten these days. It makes me a little sad and gives a very bad start on a new day. The case for the glasses is at kindergarten. I have spoken with the adult and told them that it is OK for her to take them off and have a break from the glasses some times during the day. It was major for her to show the glasses off, but it might have been a little too much..? See you tomorrow Have a nice day. W
([Name] represent the name of D4. Her best friend has the same name.)
I didn’t answer.
I should have picked up D4 (out of schedule) and her friend but the friend got ill and D4 wanted to go home – no swimming but a nice evening!
The picture I posted yesterday got more likes from Ws family today and also one from MIL and SIL. That’s the first sign of life from them since summer. I am not reading anything in to all of this in regards of R/M but these people responding does mean something to me. It means that the dividing of friends and family isn’t as big as it could be! If R is ever to happen that’s good! Me going LRT, telling W we can’t be friends and W getting pi$$ed might have eased off a bit. It doesn’t mean I won’t continue exactly what I am doing.
Yesterday I faced the monster within me! I now truly know that my outmost biggest fear is not in my surroundings – he is inside me and he is a part of me at the moment! I stared him in the eyes and while feeling extremely good about this - it still gives me the shivers. It was an amazing experience! I know my monster better and will try to define him, keep him away and hopefully bury him totally at some point! It frightens me to carry him around but knowing him makes me able to fight him and fight him I will!
Today I have put little green Yoda’s wise words in my sig and I will put them on my wall at home: Do or do not – there’s no try. I can and will do this and I am not talking about getting W back. I am talking about making and keeping the new me and if W doesn’t want this guy that’s her loss.
Thanksgiving isn’t a part of the culture here but anyhow I would like to say thank you to all the caring people in here! You saved me and I truly hope that you knowing this makes you feel a little better. So when you close your eyes tonight be aware that somewhere around the world is a man that owes you his sanity! Gratitude!!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Good stuff F. Yoda signature, typical Star Wars fan :-)
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Just home from the Christmasparty at D4s kindergarten.
It went well! D4 ran to my arms when I arrived, hugged me and sat on my lap from thereon. I said hi to W and seated myself next to her. After I finished hugging D4 I got a strange sounding hi from W and interpreted it as either she didn’t hear that I already said hi or she wondered why I didn’t hug her. I know this is properly considered mindreading but that’s how I see it. I didn’t react to it.
I had bought a hat that looked like a Christmastree and that sort of made me the cool parent. The children just kept coming at me at the adult asked where I got it.
After a while she said “It also went very well at D6”. (D6 had christmasparty as well with MIL attending) I felt in her wordings and her tone that she blamed me for not asking – didn’t react to it but simply and nicely told W “Great, I didn’t realize that it had already ended.”. Then she told me a few things about this and I listened. We talked very little from thereon but interacted through D4. The only thing else I remember is her getting us coffee. We sat there for half an hour. I kept my attention on D4 and once again I might come out a bit cold towards W. I am kind, responsive and smiling but I don’t ask her anything. She talked to other parents and, as the last time, I looked at her as a bystander. She didn’t look comfortable or well-feeling. She looked sort of like the person that doesn’t feel they belong at a party. Hard to explain!
When we left D6 and MIL met us. I hugged D6 for a long time and then MIL. We talked shortly and then I hugged all four – W reached out for the hug again. Then I left.
I think it went well and no awkward feelings at all but I am thinking about if I should ask her something about her life.
Rest of the day has been busy at work and now I am of to GAL!
I do not expect any further contact for the next days since MIL is staying at Ws place and I won’t initiate anything myself. The last days has been more than enough for me and it is time to back off and give her time and space.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Hi F, I have been reading your threads for a bit but thought I'd just say hi so as not to be a creepy lurker.
It sounds like you are doing great (and getting results!), and I can empathize with so much that you are going through.
Quote:
I think it went well and no awkward feelings at all but I am thinking about if I should ask her something about her life.
I find this a little tricky myself. I do not ask H anything about his life (as in, what are you doing, where were you last night, etc.) unless (a) he brought it up to me before; or (b) it's something very light and has no effect on me whatsoever. On the other hand, I also don't want to sit around and yammer about myself, so that doesn't leave a whole lot left to discuss.
So what I have been doing: talk about the kids. Talk about external events - so, sports, or a TV show, or a cartoon I saw. Or a funny story about a friend, for example. I will also tell him a funny story about something I saw, or did, or that happened to me. Then I follow his lead. He will usually start talking about all kinds of stuff, and then I can too. If he doesn't, I don't either. I think this is a place where you have to test and check . . . try little things and see what happens. Maybe your W wants to talk more but is waiting for an opening.
I agree with the 37 rules and DBing principles, but I think we do have to remember that our WASs are human and have feelings, too. I don't think they are necessarily 100% confident in navigating all of this stuff, or know what they are supposed to do, or how to act, or even how we are going to react to certain things. So I do think that there is some tweaking to be done. I do a lot of small test & checks, and it really helps me to figure out where things are and how to act in each situation. If you do small things, I think you can easily back off without too much harm if she doesn't respond positively.
So, vets might jump on me for this, but I do think that you need to (in very small and calculated ways) push things a little and see what happens. I mean, you can't follow the 37 rules forever, or your W will eventually think you have lost interest. JMO.
Glad things have been going so well - hopefully it will continue!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I often read a post from a LBS express concern the WAS might think interest has been lost. However, I have never read where the LBS began pursuing the WAS just in the nick of time (to show they were still interested). No offense to the previous poster, but why do LBS fear the WAS will think they've lost interest? When in fact, detaching is (in part) to imply disinterest. And, unless human nature has changed a lot, it use to be the very thing that would motivate a woman to flirt with a man......in order to stir his interest in her. If he responds too quickly, or over kills showing just how interested he is.......she often loses hers. Yes, it is a game between the sexes. But IMO, most people will play into it at some point in their lifetime.
With a separated couple, it can be like walking a thin line. A lot of men do not seem to know how to detach without acting cold to the woman. F, I have read several of your posts where you mention that your actions (whenever with your W) could be seen by her as coldness. You have a difficult time maintaining eye contact (which can be very misunderstood by the other person) and you interact very little when she is "visiting".....and you show the children most of your attention. Now if I had not kept up with your stitch I may think you were keeping this interaction (or lack of it) very balanced. But what I've seen is you withdrawing a bit too much lately.
You have admitted that you aren't anxious to be around her b/c you want more time to work on yourself. But you won't look her in the eyes, and you aren't talking unless it is about the kids. In the beginning of the separation, not giving a lot of conversation was good. And I remember how much you wanted to take over those conversations when you first started posting.
I have talked to you about the importance of eye contact, so I will not repeat it. Just work more on it.
I think you can try contributing a little bit more conversation at this time. Can you do it without making it sound like you want to know all about her? In other words, try talking about something other than the kids.......and not asking her questions about what she has been doing/feeling/etc. As if you are being more friendly with the nosey neighbor, or maybe a coworker. That is how you slowly ease a baby-step in her direction without giving her the cake she really wants right now.
She is missing having you giving her emotional support/caring/interest and is finally realizing this separation isn't at all like she thought it would be. So, show her a little charm without giving her the pleasure of telling you all about herself. Does that make sense? Do this in person and when you are actually speaking (I wouldn't worry with the email and texts right now). If it goes well, you can continue and/or add a tiny bit more the next time. But don't pursue her yet. Your plan should be to simply produce a little more conversation about general things. Nothing personal.
If she invites you, or hints at doing something with the kids........you can accept or give her a counter offer. In other words, you are not ready to show up with her at a friend's party, should she ask. But you could be ready with a good response and give another suggestion. Make sense? This way, you feel more in control and she souldn't feel pursued.
I hope you understand and won't be confused by any of what I have said. I just don't want you to run away from her and I don't want her to misinterpret your actions as rudeness. I want you to be very self confident. Do you understand, or does it sound like I am contradicting myself?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
