Here's why...what helped me move past this anger part, which took a terrible toll on me physically (nothing like having a toilet bowl full of blood from a bleeding ulcer to get one to re-think things), was to just "try" understanding, looking at it from her POV, from her life experience. For example, my W was sexually abused as a child and young teenager by her dad, and he then abandoned her and the rest of the kids emotionally until 2 years or so before he died (which triggered W's mlc rumblings I believe)...well, how does that affect a girls development? I had a great childhood, so I had no idea. She was horridly shy and a wall flower as a teen and young adult, I was her 2nd "real" relationship...I had a very, very well mis-spent youth, so I had worked through a lot of stuff by the time we got m.
Point is, I want to try to maybe help you get some understanding. I need to understand everything, it's my engineering nature. Doesn't mean you have to change anything, forgive, have compassion, etc. Those are all your choices to do, or not do.
I would rather make those choices with understanding, so I knew for me I made the right choice.
There is a cause for every effect, right? We are living in the effect (mlc), I would want to know the cause, or likely causes/theories.
I just brought this over from THX's thread.
You really are an exceptional man T2. I hope you know that. And, I liked what you had to say about the egocentric stuff. I know I'm guilty of acting like the moral majority myself. You are a great example of patience, understanding and unconditional love. You're wife is a lucky woman, whether she is able to appreciate it or not right now.
Good Stuff. Thanks for the insight.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It took a lot of work to get where I am and am going. As UR says, if you do the work, you will never regret it. This is so true.
Some interesting things in my sitch, but nothing to conclude, lol.
W is thinking about not going to IC anymore after her "huge" session...I wonder why...was the "huge" session "the core issue" and now on it's way to being resolved and she feels she can do her work on her own now? Or is it like all the years past, stops after a while because she doesn't want to do the work, for whatever reason, fear, etc? I don't know, I haven't asked yet. I am thinking about asking, because "showing effort" is an important "want" I have in order to continue. I'm sitting on that idea for a while, see what other things I can observe to find evidence of "effort".
On the other hand, we handed out Halloween candy together, and worked on the final decorations, candy procurement, etc as a team. W talked the whole time about her work, various other everyday things, I was the usual encouraging, no-fixit, validating...I even got to talk about some stuff! lol. In all, it was very good, pretty natural, at ease. Like two good friends.
She has started asking me about my day, is more communicative about herself, mood and whereabouts.
She still hasn't come back to the MBR, and still has her work clothes and such in boxes in the hall and in her huge 'work bag" with her food, snacks, etc. It's kinda like Raine's H's suitcases still packed in the guest room, so funny....but hey, she's a big girl, perfectly capable of making her own choices.
I am speculating that returning to the MBR, and/or being more touchy/huggy is a resistance point...if she does that, it would signal to me and the boys her intent. So in order to not get anyone's hopes up, ESPECIALLY the boys', she isn't going to do it until she is sure she can recommit. That's my theory, anyway. I'll use that until better evidence comes to light.
She is continuing reconnecting with the boys, especially her "buddy", the middle one. Taking more interest in the house, in the everyday life things, but gets tired and overwhelmed easily still. She has a lot going on, working for the first time in many years, all her issues, climbing out of the tunnel, and she has opened up some more, so I can say that she is trying to figure how she got where she is, the causes of this effect. So there is work being done. I always thank her for sharing, that it is helpful to me, and I hope her.
So, still in limbo, but my gut/intuition is still saying it might work out, there is a good probability of R. We'll see.
Otherwise, I am doing pretty darn good overall...sooo busy with work and the new expansion. And fall cleanup, and all the everyday things like homework, doctors visits, etc.
I have let her replay activities go, I am done with them, gone, whatever. And at peace. I even drop by PA OM's fb and his wife's, see how they are doing...I can tell he got busted from her fb postings...lots of stuff like LBS' and newly D people post. And they had their baby, so I reckon he is rather busy. I just look at what they share publically, haven't tried to friend them or anything like that, lol! Though the thought did cross my mind, just to mess with him, but it was a passing childish whim...better to leave dead dogs lying (HA!). If W is still dipping her toes in replay stuff, it is minimal, and my gut isn't bothered, so letting her find her own way out of that addiction. I could be totally wrong, and maybe my gut is broken (not likely), but if so, then I know what I will do, no questions.
Aside from my own internal self-validation and self-esteem, I have had enough outside validation from here, work, business meetings, etc, to know I will be just fine. That I am just fine. When Spring rolls around again, I will be planting a new garden, with work, with life in general, including a relationship, hopefully it'll be W. If not, that's okay too...love, want, but no "need" any longer. I have to remind myself to thank her for teaching me that I don't "need" her someday. She has freed me from "need". I truly am grateful to her for that.
But damn, I love and want her though!
Anyway, that's about it in my sitch.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, You've done the hard and necessary work on yourself. Your w still has a ways to go. I think she was spooked by the issues from the last IC session and will need some time to think about them. In my opinion, she will need to work w/the IC a bit longer. She's still fragile and needs some hand holding in that department.
Overall, I can see the reconnections taking place at a nice pace. She's warming up to her children and her home. Yes, she's even warming up a bit towards you, but like most mlcers who return home, they keep their bags backed for a long time, just so that they know that they are ready to run if it is necessary. It's like a security blanket to them. One day very soon, she'll unpack those bags. DebM's husband was the same way and he eventually did unpack his.
I think she's baking up nicely and I know you get frustrated and want her back totally right now, but it takes time. You've done an excellent job up till now...keep thinking positive and dig for more patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ah, T, you sound good. You have done the work. That is clear. You know this journey should never end. We should continue to look inside and make changes as needed. .
I agree with Job, I think your w got spooked at the IC. Maybe touched a nerve she isnt ready to deal with now. Hope she changes her mind on going back. I think she really needs to.
And I agree with you. No one needs another person. I dont want to feel needed. I want to feel wanted, useful. There is a difference.
I think that your wife is making her way out. In her own time, her own way.
You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Good on you.
Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not...
All the talk about not NEEDING a R just seemed to call for this. Sorry.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
