The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

Hello all....I haven't posted for awhile but I have been reading along.

If you have been following me, you will know that I took the kids on a safari recently. Not only was it a life experience and more than amazing, it was the first trip I planned without H.

It was an amazing trip. We saw animals up close, spent time together and enjoyed a stress free time.

Mostly.


It was H's bday while we travelled. S9 had a hard time with that. "why doesnt daddy want to spend his bday with us?"

OK, so it was 90 percent a stress free time.

Backstory-Since August H has been much more 'nice'. I even heard that things with OW are going downward...but dont know if thats true. He answers phone calls, even asks how I am (!!!). I spoke with my DB Coach a few weeks back and after I told him about a few incidents with H, he said that he sees a positive shift. Right now, I still dont see it because H still chooses not to be with his kids. So I know I need to look at the small steps. But we had a big step that to me revealed that this shift is still very small. It was H's bday a few days back and he chose to go to celebrate with his new friends in another country and not be with us...the kids. He contacted us everyday while we were away on our safari...'hope you guys are having a blast..I miss the kids...We'll talk tomorrow...' etc. I guess it was guilt. I did want H to have a good bday. I didnt expect him to join us, hoped he would but didnt expect it or need it.

I dont know how to be with this. So I am just trying to be me. Is it his guilt? Then why isnt his guilt changing his behavior with the kids?

We arrived back home last night, and the phone calls and text messages stopped. I know he is in another country (Lebanon) celebrating his bday.

The hardest part are my kids. My S9 talks about H like he is a hero. And D6 doesnt even want to hear his name.

In Kenya I threw away an old journal of mine that was the old me. It was not me anymore...the sadness the victim mentality....I couldnt even read it anymore. It was the past and not the now. And the now is great. My S9 was telling us all during our safari drives about animals and their habits and habitats...I learned so much ! I was so impressed and so proud. And D6 was so mature and so helpful. S9 really wanted to do the early morning game drives and D6 was so supportive of S9 even though she really didnt want to wake up at 530 am! I fell in love with my kids all over again :-)

Coach said that I should still observe. Dont know if shift is because of me or him and things happening in his life. The thing is, he chose to not be with his kids again on their holiday. It makes me think that I am still part of the equation....I am still the problem with H. I am sad that H chose this...again... to not be with his kids.

I was very content on the safari. I didnt miss H. Several times I wished he was there though because of the kids. But realize I wouldnt have wanted him there the way he is now.

So it was perfect the way it was. They way it was meant to be.


I met new friends as did the kids.


The thing thats in that back of my head is that H is still lying despite being more friendly. The friendliness is throwing me off. His words are nicer but his actions are the same. I find myself responding coldly and warmly at different moments.

I am not fooled into thinking that this means anything. I really just want him to come back to his kids. I am sure he is still with OW and also that he feels a ton of guilt for missing the safari. I am appreciating him being away.


We got a puppy! I am so excited. He is more like my third child right now with the care he needs :-) . But I am so excited to bring this love into my childrens lives. H said he wanted a say in what we would call the puppy. He sent his suggestions. When the kids decided, it is hybrid of names including one H suggested, I told H and I got a 'congratulations '. See..I see that as dismissive. Is it?


We had such a lovely holiday, and I am very appreciative to H. but then I get a bad taste in my mouth knowing he chose something else over his kids. Then I know its because of me and then I think would he chose to not be with his kids because of me..?

love you all. xxx

[Accuray]

Hi Busting,

H's choice to spend his B-day away from the kids obviously bothered you very much, sorry about that! That's painful!

My observation from your post above is that you are assuming H is being very deliberate in his decision making when he might not be. For instance, you are assuming:

"H chose to spend his birthday away from the kids. He chose to do that because he can't stand being with me, I am the problem for H"

What went through H's head was probably:

"I think I'll spend my birthday in Lebanon", and then his mind probably went on to something else, like what football games are on tonight, or what he was going to have for dinner.

See the difference? He didn't decide not to spend the day with the kids, and he didn't decide that you were the reason for that -- he just didn't think about it at all.

This is a common LBS trap, we assume that the WAS is being very deliberate when in fact they are probably not thinking things through at all and just acting on impulse.

I have historically had a similar challenge with my W. I will say "X".

Her mind will then go "He said X, and that means Y, and also Z, and I don't like Y or Z, so I will get mad about Y and Z, but not say anything."

If "X" was completely innocuous, you see the problem!

I see this pattern of thinking in your posts where you are attributing meaning to things that may have no meaning, or a different meaning, but your take on it is negative and seeks to condemn you as bad.

I know the conventional wisdom is to use "thought-stopping" exercises to address this kind of thinking, but the first step is to see it, and I hope you do see it, because it's holding you back.

I'm glad you had a great safari and the kids brought you such joy!

Acc

[adinva]

I think it wasnt dismissive. And if it was, then it was so petty that you'd be best served chalking it up to indigestion and ignoring it. Err on the generous side and call it a nonissue.

So envious of your safari! You take gal seriously!

[BrightFuture]

Hi busting, good to hear from you! Thanks for stopping by at my thread. It sounds like you and the kids had a great time on the safari. Good for you!

Yes, there are some similarities in how our H’s started to behave “nicer”. The funny part is that in my case when H asked about how everybody was doing, he started with the dog. It is quite telling that your H wanted to be part of the dog naming. I don’t see his comment as dismissive. I’m pretty sure that he was happy that his suggestion was considered. Congratulations on the puppy, the dogs are great. They teach up unconditional love.

I think your coach is right and there is some shift in your H’s behavior. Obviously he worried about you and the kids while you were on the safari. Also, I think that the way he treats the kids is not because of you. They are old enough, so he could take them on a little vacation or something without you and still have fun with him. I think for him it is still the whole package. And right now he probably doesn’t know how to change his behavior with the kids. The guilt might be part of it too.

I’m sure you will figure it out how to deal with this “nicer” H. My hope is that he will slowly start coming around for the kids.

[bustingout]

Thank you all for your thoughts. -I have not expressed my state of mind correctly. Or written enough about the interactions with H.

I know he is lying and I know it is deliberate. He made a very deliberate decision not to spend his birthday or the holiday with the kids. I know this because the kids asked him to come.

They asked me to ask him to come. I did ask him for them. I made it very light hearted...'your bday present from me and the kids'. He said he would think about it. He said he would love to spend his bday with the kids.

He said he was thinking about it. Then he said 'no. the answer is no. Thank you for the offer it was very kind of you. Its a no'. This was over a two-week period of him 'thinking about it'.

Now, maybe he did not consciously say to himself, ' I am going to hurt the kids again, disappoint them again and I am going to only think of myself again'. I am sure if asked, he would find plenty of 'legitimate' excuses for his decision, because to the the casual outside observer, the decision to not be with his kids makes him look like a jacka$$. And H hates to look like the bad guy. So I am sure he has good reasons on the tip of his tongue to justify himself.

I knew it was a shot in the dark and really did not expect him to come. I suppose I hoped a little bit that he could take the step...that he was ready to start taking actual steps back towards the kids. Right now, it remains, only words, still.

Thats why this 'niceness' throws me off. Maybe the niceness is small steps forward...maybe its not. I suppose only time and consistency can tell. I feel that I dont like the niceness one bit if there is no action to back it up. I am not sure how I should feel about feeling like that.

He sent a text the day we were leaving saying 'please tell S9 that daddy is also sad he is not spending his bday with you guys. But I will be back soon and we will make it up and have a lot of fun.'

He didnt tell me he was going to Lebanon. He told me he was working (I knew it was a lie...we had a religious holiday and all of this part of the world was observing it. There was no work to be done)....believe none of what they say....

This makes me mad for my children. I think that I am very frustrated of being used as his excuse to not spend time with the kids. S9 was so sad on H's bday. He just wanted to celebrate with him. Notice I am emphasizing S9. D6 would rather not talk about H or to H anymore.

I am fed up of the kids getting the short end of the stick from H when he is out partying with his 'new' friends, bankrolling the partying and easing his guilt by sending random texts about great everything is going to be. He said to me about the kids 'everything will work out' I asked how (I truly thought he had something in mind) and he said 'i dont know. It just will.'.....ok......

The kids dont understand. Its hard enough for ME to understand and try and deal with.

Bright future I understand what you mean about the whole package. It would have been a big step for him to join us. We really are not his life anymore and I think it actually would have been awkward if he came with the state of mind he has right now. I am definitely pleased that he wasn't there with the state of mind he has now. I don't think he would have actually 'been there' with us in mind and spirit. So, in that sense, its better that he didn't come. That might have been worse for the kids.

I would rather not have him around anymore while he is like this. And I realise he might be like this forever now. Never getting through this tunnel...not facing any realities and most importantly not facing himself. When the party finishes, I know he will find the afterparty. A constant state of distraction. His new reality.

We will see what this brings us. It was my sister's bday the day after H's and for the past 20-plus years it was two days of celebrations. This year, sister did not wish H a happy bday on his bday (her choice, neither did my mom). H sent a text to sister the day after her bday...'happy belated bday SIL, sorry I did not call you yesterday I was recovering from the night before'.

Sister was stunned--was he trying to be cute? Trying to make like everything is normal? Just partying away despite everything else? To say this to my sister seems strange to me. But...again, whatever.

We will see. yes I find it telling that H wanted to be involved in naming new puppy. I also find it telling that he still has not put any action into his words about missing the kids. If this is going to happen, its going to need a lot more time. And I wonder if by then, the kids will even care anymore.

I read that if they start returning they often start by asking about those furthest removed from the source of their perceived problems...So I hope BF that your H starting to ask about your dog is a small step forward. I also like your comment about how H probably doesn't know how to change his behaviour with the kids. That makes sense to me. Its the whole package. I agree with you, he could easily take them without me and spend time with them, but he doesnt because he sees me and the kids as one.

Ad-its all about the GAL! Thank you for coming by. I see now how the comment was probably not dismissive. It really is about perception and how e choose to see things. I hope you are doing well.

Thanks everyone for listening to my thoughts....

[willbwell]

thank you busting for posting your thoughts. I have been reading along. While my kids are older, I can't help but look at s17 while he is doing his hw and think , he knows his dad chose something else.... for that I could kick h's ,,, but I don't . I remain polite and kind. I believe in my case there is depression too. if only he would recognize and get some help!

[sayitaintso]

Your trip sounded amazing Busting. You and your kids will remember that experience forever

[bustingout]

I think depression plays a big part in this too willbewell. I am sorry to hear that your S is struggling too. I hate what this does to the children.

Thanks say it! I still can't believe we were actually there...!

[NLW]

Busting,
I know what you are going through.
I started to comment on all the parallels between your H's and my X's behaviours, and then stopped and wiped it all.

There's no point going over and over it.
It can't be explained or justified.

All I can do is let you know that I understand what you are feeling and I know how bloody hard this is.

We'll do our best for our kids.

I love to hear that you have a puppy!

In our case, I think our two little pups saved our lives.
They have brought so much love, comfort and happiness.

I hope the same for you.

Best, NLW

[labug]

Wow busting, a lot to catch up on. I'm so happy you and your kids got to have such a great trip. What memories!

I want to share something H told me about making the decision to leave and how hard it was. He said he knew the boys would be hurt but that he had to leave. He was miserable and he could see no way of fixing things from where we stood at that time. Our kids are older and that does make a difference but he went on to say that how we were living at that time was also hurting them. I have to agree with that.

He wanted to be friendly with me, for the sake of the kids but wanted no R beyond that. Leaving was painful for him in many ways and he couldn't risk being drawn back in only to have history repeat itself and the kids be hurt all over again. I'm not trying to be an apologist for WASs, this is just what happened in our lives.

I guess this is relative to Acc's post also, don't create things in your mind to explain what your H is doing. We don't know what is in their mind. Accepting what is without the story is difficult but it's the only way out.

I wish you the best.