T2 it seems to me (no MLC expert by any means) that what Snodderly says is right, that your W is looking for reassurance that you are still there for her and do not harbor any grievances; I bet your text was a great relief to her and was great DBing as usual! And I think that she wants you to know that she does not harbor any towards you either, your understanding text made it so much easier for her to tell you that!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Yes, I do subtly let her know, without going overboard. Doing the postmortem these past couple years, I understand something: W doesn't do "pressure" well, neither before MLC, certainly not during, and now that I realize and get this "built-in" part of her, it's a learning experience finding my way to communicating in a way that she does not perceive pressure.
And heck, I am a horrid actor, so I know she can see whatever I am feeling...she knew when I pulled away hard, she changed her actions, I changed in response, moved back towards her/us a bit, I think she can see it.
Seems like maybe she/we are at the "ground zero"...forgive the past and start anew and see what happens...idk.
I think of rH's H and the slow, slow move back....
Wonka,
What a perfect metaphor! Mentor. That, I get. And I really try hard not to fix, I see the books and stuff she has out and reading/working through. I see she is working her issues and I just am there for her, no hovering, no digging, but if needed/wanted, I'm there. Tries my patience quite often, but....that's my problem...
Quote:
When MLCers start to come out of their tunnel, it is a very sensitive and tender stage. They are emotionally fragile and very tentative. This is the MOST critical stage for standers to be more sensitive, nurturing, and supportive to the MCLer while STFU on your own pain and resentments.
and
Do mentors dump their problems, issues and hurts on their mentees? No, they don't. Right. Now this is how you will need to approach things with your W going forward as she is dancing at the tunnel's opening...but not yet fully out of it. She's comfortable at that spot for the time being. It is okay for her.
These are now being memorized...
STFU? Oh, I can do THAT, oh he!! yeah...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
But how do we know when the MLCer is starting to come out of the tunnel? Or is it okay to just always be sensitive, nurturing, and supportive while STFU and giving them all that space?
For me, I agree with what has been posted here on the forums many times..."you will know"...in my sitch: their actions, demeanor, and the "vibe" of the house will change...they will seem calmer, more relaxed more often. The look in their eyes will change. The house vibe here is SO much less tense...it's palpable since I can remember the old vibe VERY well...lol.
And yup, that is basically the meat and potatoes of my approach to my sitch for most of this once i figured out some things...what I was dealing with, what I am and want to be, learned to control my expectations,etc...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Wonka thank you so much for this! I will copy it to my "Wonka's Advice" file. But how do we know when the MLCer is starting to come out of the tunnel?
When they start to put their replay antics behind and start to slowly reconnect with their spouses. Self-discovery and questioning on their part is a key part of the integration process as evidenced by rH's H, Raine's H, and T's W.
And their eyes. They start to become more focused, engaged and normal...not the the numb & fogged up look they have while in the midst of their MLC.
It was nice to see that what I have seen, gathered and interpreted from W's changes and actions is validated by someone who has been there and done that and come back, thank you!...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
This coming out of the tunnel thing...if that's what it is I'm experiencing, feels like total crap. Cause when they're in that fog you can just tell they're not normal. I'd say mentally ill is a good description, and so it's easy to brush off all the pain. But when you start to see a person there, the depression lifting and not encompassing them, yet there isn't any remorse or sorry or anything that would make it easier to forgive, then that's extremely difficult. Because now the pain is attached to someone who appears normal more often than not. He will have to face it. I can't be with him by sweeping it under the rug and pretending that I'm just glad he fixed himself. I have my limits of what I can handle, and that is beyond them.
So if indeed that is where the stage is in my sitch, you are gonna feel it. It is going to be harder for you to keep holding on. I kind of think that may be the point the lbs feels confident that they don't need the mlcer and they can move on and be happy. So perhaps that is another factor that makes it so dangerous too.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
No particular meaning to these lyrics being posted, just on the spin list and a reality check...
Paul Westerberg - Good Day - from album Eventually
Good day, doesn't have to be a Friday Doesn't need to be your birthday The next one then you won't survive Sing along hold my life A good day, is any day that you're alive Yes a good day, is any day that you're alive
Asked me mmmm, you had to ask me In the dreams you tell me Tell them only you were tired Sing along hold my life A good day, is any day that you're alive Yeah, a good day, is any day that you're alive
A bad day comes every once in awhile your body says Fourteen hundred shooting stars and (every time? ) A bad day comes every once in your body life Goodbye
Hold my life one last time A good day, is any day that you're alive Yes a good day, is any day that you're alive Yes a good day, is any day that you're alive These are the days
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
