pay no mind to the demons; they fill you w/fear

[Whiterose]

WOW I talk a lot...it's already time for a new one

Thread one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2368775#Post2368775

Thread two:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2377072&page=1

What does that say about our society and how are we teaching our children??
Something doesn't feel good or you are not happy with life, so you just ignore? me, me ,me. Its all about me.
don't even get me started on today's society and their ME ME ME attitude....there isn't enough time.


I know the panic feeling WR, you've got to breath. We know joy, we know happiness. look at the sky, look at the trees, look at your children.

you're absolutely right....I'm trying

WR,
Portia is correct when she says that they have had a jump start on mlc. Generally they have a lead in time of approximately 12-24 months before they drop the bomb about not being happy and wanting a divorce. It is very gradual and we don't see the signs until it is too late. Of course, it doesn't help that we aren't mind readers either.

I knew something wasn't right Snodderly....for a while. He wasn't right. Always so angry and jealous. I would tell him to go "find some happy" and go out with friends or we'd argue about the way he was treating me....I truly thought his new job was the answer to my prayers-give him the happiness he was desperate for

We live in a very fast paced world. They do not. When they are saying they want a divorce, cut ties, etc., they are already 2 or more years ahead of us. As he moves along the tunnel, he will eventually slow down to a crawl, but at the beginning many of them appear very quick and concise about what they want and do.
well, I hope that he slows down soon because he's on hyperdrive and I'm trying to keep up and not successfully

Please try to keep in mind that he's lashing out at the world and you are the safest person for him to do this too. They always say you hurt the one you love and believe me, it's true when it comes to dealing w/mlc. Try to picture him as a lion in a very small cage trying to break free. That is what your h is doing. You, the marriage and family are symbols of responsibility. He can't deal w/that right now. He has to break free, run and try to recapture his youth in order to go back to a time he was emotionally stunted. He has to grow up from that point on. I know it's difficult to accept that he's just a very angry person right now, but try to step away from his antics as much as you can.

that analogy is very helpful (lion in a cage) running is all he knows to do, the only example he's ever been given. He ran when I got pregnant. Ran before we got married. Running again. He should be 90lbs with all this running

When your h realizes that you aren't going to fight w/him on things, he may settle down. He needs that anger to help him keep his "loving" feelings from you. He needs that anger to spur him on and no matter what you do or anyone else does, if the actions or comments strike him wrong, he'll become angry. They have no control over that anger right now.

so, so angry.....at first people were wondering what I had done to deserve the anger and now it would seem he's just getting angrier. You are right that he would be angriest at me, with all the running I've never abandoned him....I'm like the mom of rebel teenager knowing he can blame for all the wrongs of the world and I'll still love him.....maybe that's something I've done wrong?

Continue to pray. God does hear you. Come here to vent, scream or ask questions. Okay?
I will continue to pray, without a doubt, and you all are like me knew "secret" best friends....I thank you all!!

I'm glad to hear you are doing yoga Rose. TVS mentioned how good it is for her soul AND body. Maybe I'll try it too !
you should Linda....it's a great way to remember to breath:) I do more of a power/flow yoga, thing yoga that builds muscle and a sweat, but start with a beginners class....
It must be harder for you Standers with young children, to protect them, help them feel safe and loved, and to GAL.
my biggest feeling of failure is that I'm not doing what is best for them.....and in my dark moments I wonder how God allowed me to have children with this man. I feel guilt over this as well

I can tell you what MY H thinks, willb. He said that a cheating MLCer his family was discussing is rationalizing his bad choices and hurtful behavior towards his wife and family to excuse and forgive himself, so he could live with himself. He saw absolutely no correlation between his own behavior and the almost identical behavior they were discussing.
all, I can say to this is WOW unFRICKINbelievable!!

How are you doing Linda? your eye site?

On another note. My dad has been in hospital, currently in Italy, with gallstones and has had one surgery and now needs another one. He's going to be fine but at first my mom and aunts were in a bit of a panic. Last night S18 came home to tell me my FIL was in hospital for passing out twice and a throwing up blood. H had to run to the hospital and called S18. I messaged my SIL to tell her I knew and was praying that he healed quickly, she said it's a bleeding ulcer and they are still running tests. I did text H to say that S18 had told me and I hoped that everything worked out OK and that I was praying. No response. My mom also FB messaged H to say the same thing. No response. He knows about my dad too....I know that there is no expectation but really? you couldn't say thank you to my mom (more of a mom to him than his own!) and say that he hopes my dad is ok......he's just RUDE!

[Whiterose]

I lied....he responded to my text while I was on here
"Ok"

Guess it's better than no response. Lol

[job]

WR,
I'm sorry to hear about your father, but he's in good hands right now. Hopefully the tests will tell you and your family what is going on w/him.

As for your h, keep your expectations at zero. They can't handle people being in the hospital or being sick. It reminds them of mortality and they tend to shy away from people who are having health issues.

I'm surprised he even texted back. Say nothing more to him about your situation w/your father. He's a goner and it's no use setting your self up for disappointment. You and your mother did the right thing by telling him, but he can't deal w/it. I'm sorry that he can't and he sure can't say that he wasn't advised of the situation.

WR, turn the focus back on to you and your family. I'm keeping your father in my thoughts and prayers.

[Whiterose]

Thank you Snodderly
He's going to be ok thankfully. He's just a BAD patient. Lol

I know.....my girlfriend also said she was surprised he responded too. She said he's totally gone so her expectations of him are -20

I didn't tell him about my dad, S18 did when H called to tell him about his dad, my message was very short. I debated even saying anything but he is my FIL and I do pray he gets better. All my other info came through my SIL whom I messaged.

Is it me but what are the odds both of our dads would be in hospital at the same time?

[job]

WR,
I have noticed over the years that God has a way of making us focus on other things. For example, family and/or friends in the hospital, car accidents, health issues, etc.

As for both fathers being the hospital at the same time...that is a bit odd, but maybe they are around the same age and are developing health issues. It does happen once in a while.

I do hope both fathers are doing okay and will be on the mend soon. Keep the focus on you and your children.

[RosaLinda]

Gee I'm sorry your dad and FIL are both ill Rose. Stressful for you, and for your H too, although he isn't capable of showing it right now. 

Snodderly "As for your h, keep your expectations at zero. They can't handle people being in the hospital or being sick. It reminds them of mortality and they tend to shy away from people who are having health issues."

I have read that stress breaks down the immune system, and can make a person sick. I can see that God has been distracting me with health issues, both my H's and my own, over the past 4 years. H always thinks he "is not long for this world" anyway, but all these sickness one after another have really made him spin and run. 

I think the low point in my marriage was the day I was laying on the couch, so sick and weak from chemo that I could barely stand up, and H asked me if I planned to miss work AGAIN, and informed me he had decided to spend Christmas in Germany with EA1. If I did not kick his ass put that day I guess I never will. He did apologize however, months later, when he got encephalitis from lymes disease, and said he did not realize how sick I was. 

Gee sorry for rambling on about myself. I meant to just say that God sure is distracting you on all fronts there Rose. It would have been nice for your H to respond to the nice message your mom sent him. But maybe he isn't trying to be rude, but just can't face the sickness and is doing what MLCers do best - run away. 

At least he did answer your text in that very loving and understanding manner lol! My H doesn't even write that - just "K"

Rose "my biggest feeling of failure is that I'm not doing what is best for them.....and in my dark moments I wonder how God allowed me to have children with this man. I feel guilt over this as well"

From reading your posts, I am certain that you are a great mom, Rose. God blessed you with children with your H. I know it's hard tp see now, but your H is going to go thru many changes, twists and turns, but is eventually going to drag himself out of the tunnel he fell in. And he will be grateful to realize that you have been standing there this whole time. Holding his home together, doing your best for his kids, keeping a heart filled with love and compassion for him. And he will bless you for it. 

[Whiterose]

WR,
I have noticed over the years that God has a way of making us focus on other things. For example, family and/or friends in the hospital, car accidents, health issues, etc.

That is an interesting point Snodderly, one I hadn't thought of, I'll work on focusing on other things. Thank you for your well wishes for my dad and FIL-I appreciate it.

I have read that stress breaks down the immune system, and can make a person sick.
I know stress is an actual killer...it's toxic for the body. I have active crohn's disease and this stress doesn't help.


I think the low point in my marriage was the day I was laying on the couch, so sick and weak from chemo that I could barely stand up, and H asked me if I planned to miss work AGAIN, and informed me he had decided to spend Christmas in Germany with EA1. If I did not kick his ass put that day I guess I never will. He did apologize however, months later, when he got encephalitis from lymes disease, and said he did not realize how sick I was. 

That sounds like it was devastating Linda....I'm so sorry you had to go through that,not right! I'm glad you got an apology but part of me feels like it should have never been said, you wouldn't say that to a stranger....these men say stuff that boggles the mind

Gee sorry for rambling on about myself. I meant to just say that God sure is distracting you on all fronts there Rose. It would have been nice for your H to respond to the nice message your mom sent him. But maybe he isn't trying to be rude, but just can't face the sickness and is doing what MLCers do best - run away. 

you're not rambling at all I can see that he is trying to distract me now. I need to detach. To not care what he's doing or thinking....this may take time. I'm not thinking of him as much as at the beginning which I will take as a victory

From reading your posts, I am certain that you are a great mom, Rose. God blessed you with children with your H. I know it's hard tp see now, but your H is going to go thru many changes, twists and turns, but is eventually going to drag himself out of the tunnel he fell in. And he will be grateful to realize that you have been standing there this whole time. Holding his home together, doing your best for his kids, keeping a heart filled with love and compassion for him. And he will bless you for it. 

Thank you Linda. my children ARE a blessing. When I got pregnant so young, unmarried, and so quickly I could not understand what was happening. It moved my life into hyperdrive and we had S14 5 years later. We had always wanted a third but after I got so sick at 29 it was not possible. It dawned on us that if God had not pushed my life forward I may have never have had a chance to have children because I may have waited too long. I just don't understand how God allowed me to have H's children.....is it awful to say he is not worthy of being their father. He certainly isn't worthy of being my husband. I'm angry I guess and very upset. I truly pray that he will make it through the tunnel to me, like Justin Timberlake sings
"And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along"
but, quite honestly, in this last week I don't think there's much hope he's coming back......I think he's gone forever

[Whiterose]

Overheard my mom and sister's talking, I should have stopped but it was about me so I stayed to listen (BAD I KNOW)

Mom is surprised that I really had no clue ("she really was quite clueless") (that he was going to leave-she had an instinct I guess) and that even though it was there for me to see I was blindsided. She was worried I hadn't messaged her back right away when she asked me a few questions, I was busy mom, and my youngest sister said it was maybe because I'm so dependant on them and need to stand on my own and am having teenage angst (which if you knew my sister you would find ironic)

Both of my sister's don't think that me being on this site, and using the coach, is a good idea....you all give me hope and that standing is only going to get me into a world of hurt more middle sister wants to know why I want him back, typical question, and they're all waiting for me to wake up and move on.

I can't say anything, it'll start a fight, but it makes me not want to share with them. thoughts?

[job]

WR,
Your family wants to see you move on because they know that you are in pain and they do not want to see you hurting. Sometimes when someone is sitting on the outside of the situation, they can see more of what is going on, which may be the case w/your mother. You were too close to the issues and couldn't see what was transpiring. We all have done this.

As for telling them anything, I would limit what I say to them about the situation. If you need to speak to someone, come here or select one good friend to talk to about your situation. If your h should ever decide to return home, it will be much harder for him to face your family if they know too much about what he's done and continues to do.

Keep in mind...until they have walked in your shoes, it is very easy to say divorce him and leave him in the dust. I don't think that there is anyone that hasn't encountered this particular train of thought from others.

It is your choice as to whether you stand or toss in the towel. It is your life and only you can determine when you've had enough. Keep in mind, there is absolutely no guarantee that he will return. It's always a 50/50 chance that he may opt to continue moving forward and start over elsewhere w/someone else. Sometimes mlcers find it is easier to just move on because there is so much damage that would require a lot of work, work that they aren't willing to do.

WR, I would suggest that you keep your conversations w/family members to a minimum when it comes to your situation. The less they know, the better.

[Whiterose]

Thank you Snodderly,

I find they don't "believe" the MLC "thing" I want to say "shame on you" to both sides....his for not kicking his ass and mine for not seeing that this is not "H" they have known for 20 years....AND we are a family FILLED with mental illness/depression....they should know better! My middle sister said "I'm tired of hearing about MLC he's just an as3h0le"

I have had strained relations with my sisters int the past and then through this I have relied on them more, although I don't say everything, but you're right I need to pull back again. I have one VERY good friend that doesn't judge and loves me, and H, has known me for 10 years and understands my position. You guys here and her will be my go to.

For standing or throwing in the towel I'm torn. It seems that throwing it in after 4 months is craziness, on my part, who would do that so quickly BUT on the other hand he seems so determined, so self absorbed and sick, on a war path that I don't know if he'll ever come back from. On the other hand he wears his engagement necklace (got it fixed and put it back on), still has photos of us together on FB, misses us and the companionship, it would be easy to come home......maybe I'm mind reading. I just don't know where I stand about my M