T2, Your wife is baking up nicely, slowly but surely. The position at the thrift store has really helped w/her esteem issues.
You've done an excellent job of being a friend to her and that will continue a while longer. Bottom line, she knows that she has a really great guy for a husband and is trying to find her way back to you.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
T2 wanted to ask you something. Not sure if you have followed my sitch at all. My W continuously txt OM. Some are ex flames etc. Did you have any of these issues in your journey? Did you set any boundaries with W? I'm getting very frustrated with the hiding of txt to ex flames etc..
I think W's decision to become employed at the thrift store is a great clue as to how she is thinking about your future together. If she was planning to leave any time soon she'd be going for the big bucks, not the self fulfillment!
And you are doing a great job being your usual DB busting self T^2, supportive as heck! I bet it's pretty hard to break out of a cocoon, especially when you are trying to escape from it by unwinding all the threads instead of bursting out all at once. W is going to emerge as her old beautiful butterfly self either way, but I think slowly unwinding is much better and longer lasting for a cautious deep thinker like your W.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Yes, it appears the fast spin is slowing down, still some disconnect with making what should be joint decisions, still a lot of internal work going on based on the books I see about (a lot of guilt recovery books). But there is a consistency growing, such as being pleasant, thinking of "outside world" things and other people, etc. She is also looking at me "differently" sometimes, I haven't figured out exactly "how" yet, but feels like "good" I guess. And the tension in the house that you spoke of in FY's thread is down, quite a bit. Time will tell, as always.
Thank you RL! I would think so too, but I have to remember that what makes "sense" is different for everyone, as MLC has taught me very well, lol!
Hi PON, yes, W through most of this has obsessively used texting, IM via fb and yahoo, email, webcam s3x, even at least one PA...etc, ad nauseum. MY choice was to do my best to ignore it and let it burn itself out. Not always successfully as my posts here would attest to, I still had my anger, sadness, etc spells from it.
I put certain boundaries, such as not in the MBR, and I built her her own computer so she wouldn't do her "activities" on the kids computers anymore...she wasn't very good about "hiding" her tracks, even with the coaching of some of her OM's (they had no idea of who they are dealing with when it comes to computers with this guy (me)...lol...n00bs).
But yes, I ignored it best I could, and chose to not dig or snoop very much. If she left something open, or left it on a piece of paper laying about on the table or whatever, then I would take a look sometimes. But for MY sanity, and to further MY goal of R, I chose to make allowances, overlook, etc because I know myself, once I started I would have to know everything and obsess about finding all the details. I know, psychologically, what has been driving that particular part of her replay actions, so I know/knew, that she HAD to play it out and reach her own conclusions. That is how she is, and I am as well.
That is MY method, tolerance, etc. It might not be right for you though. And though the sound of anyone's IM informing them they have a new message triggers me some and makes me cringe...I am rather happy with the growth and understanding, and strength, that my choice has given me. Seriously, I am pretty darn unflappable now, again, like I used to be years ago. It was a method of recovering something about me that I liked, was useful, but had lost along the family, career journey. Maybe a mad/crazy method, but a method none the less..lol
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
oh and PON, looking back, since that activity seems to have stopped with W, it doesn't mean much in the big picture to me. I feel pretty much over it, kinda "okay then, hope you got answered "those" questions within yourself" attitude.
It doesn't hurt anymore. The past is called the past because it has passed.
Both W and I were with others before we got together, and that didn't ruin that aspect of our relationship.
Who knows, maybe what she learned about herself doing this will benefit the new R with me, assuming there is one, of course...lol.
But if it starts up again, then things change most likely.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T^2, what's your gut feeling about BIL and the FB friend request?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
-He was on friends, then dropped off sometime when W was in "I hate T2 mode", and this brother she talks to a lot (when she talked with family), so maybe he heard all her stuff and thought I was a complete a-hole or loser...
-He also had to go through his own recovery during this past couple years, so maybe he dropped out of the friends thing everywhere, and is now rebuilding ties...idk.
Maybe my gut is saying that he has info that I haven't heard yet, and that would have to be something good, because why reconnect with someone who is on the way "out" of the family? That sort of thing...lol. I am trying to not ponder it too much, just keeping a mild curiosity, and interacting quietly via "likes" and stuff.
As you know, the answers do come, without us trying too hard by being patient and listening quietly...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Ok, I see. Like if W was really ditching the M there would be no reason to contact her H.
Yes, as if MLC isn't complicated enuf for the immediate family, adding in friends and relatives during recconex can be interesting.
I got a call yesterday from a first cousin of mine from the west coast that I haven't seen or talked to for 7 years. It gave me an opportunity to handle explaining some changes without blame and sounding/being comfortable with who we are right now.
It's certainly a never ending journey but very pleasant for me at this point
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
T2 I would like to ask your opinion. For some reason I relate to your posts and your advice. I've been walking through a 12 step program and looking inward at myself. The problem I am struggling with is my W is texting OM (old flames etc).
Part of me wants me to let her know that I find hurtful and that I don't that type of stuff should go on in a marriage. Sort of say "when OM txt you I feel very uncomfortable and hurt" then STFU. This was the only way I could come up with non attacking.
I know you have walked this walk and wanted to hear your thoughts on it. I know I have to continue to do my work but also feel I'm not being honest with myself and my W by hold this type of crap in. Thoughts.
I bet it's pretty hard to break out of a cocoon, especially when you are trying to escape from it by unwinding all the threads instead of bursting out all at once. W is going to emerge as her old beautiful butterfly self either way, but I think slowly unwinding is much better and longer lasting for a cautious deep thinker like your W.