The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
My W and I both felt like this in the beginning. Then one day I told her I'm no longer considering it limbo... I'm going on with my life as I see fit, and enjoying it.
Love, love, love, this ForeverYoung... this can be my new mantra!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
ForeverYoung and Not Quitting, that is what I will do.. just not bring up the ultimatum and if he brings it up, retract it. I will NOT get into any sort of relationship talk.
H is feeling tension and stress. I suppose the only way I can help him with that is to give him the space he needs and try not to overwhelm him. I have been taking on a lot of extra responsibilities to give him the space he needs, and it has been causing me to also have anxiety. It is actually nice to have a weekend alone here by myself!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Let him initiate. Give him the space and time he needs. That's all we can do. The time may come when we decide that we've given them enough time and space and that we're ready to move on without them, but until then...... You might need to bite your tongue from time to time to stop yourself talking R, but I found that is preferable to H's reaction.
His stress is going to rub off on you. You've got to try and distance yourself from that. Not easy, but you've got your own stress from this whole sitch and you don't need any extra, do you?
Take advantage of the time alone to do something for yourself. It might not be the best weather in Ontario this weekend, but so far it's not raining (at least where I am it's not) and it's not so hot that just breathing causes you to break out in a sweat. Remember you've not got the responsibility of being there for the kids this weekend. Make the most of it - they'll be back before you know it demanding mom's attention.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
Or I could find someone who would treat me better and care for me.
Would that person be the father of your children?
CP, did your H treat you well and care for you before this crisis?
CP, do you believe your H is in crisis? If you do, then you believe he is experiencing CRUSHING EMOTIONAL AGONY. This agony leaves nothing, or very little, for anyone else. [/color]
mizjjd.. you are right about all of this, and it is nice to hear an outsider's perspective on the matter. It is all so confusing to me right now.
He is a wonderful father, and provides for our family well. He has worked lots of extra hours to make ends meet so that I can be a stay at home mother. If we can make our marriage work, it will be for the best, as I still do love him and it would be best to not split up the family.
Yes, he is in the middle of a very big crisis right now. I don't think he realizes the scale of it. I believe he is depressed, and I am not sure how to deal with that so perhaps I should read a few books. He had mentioned starting IC for himself, so I think that would be a good start for him. I do not like seeing him this sad, and I am not sure how to help him.
Also, yes he treated me well before all of this happened. There was a time that things were great. He would plan surprise vacations for us, before the children came along. I have so many nice cards and funny emails from him from the good 'ol days. He says that having children has nothing to do with his loss of the feelings, however, I am not sure of that. It is a lot harder for us to find alone time, be spontaneous, and find romance now that we have to schedule for a babysitter.
I think that now he looks at me more of a 'friend' and 'mother to his children' than romantically. I would like to have more romance, but I don't want to rush anything for the time being.[color:#6600CC] I am a bit confused on how to act. Is there anything I can do to get him to look at me less as a mother and more of an attractive woman? I have been changing little things about how I look, getting my hair coloured, getting my nails done, buying some nice dresses, etc. Now that I am a stay at home mother I feel like he has this view of me as the 'mom' only. If it were different circumstances I would go on some romantic dates and flirt with him, but I can't see doing that any time soon, as that is pressure?? I have not initiated asking to go on a date in a couple of months, is it considered pressure if I ask?
Sorry I am rambling on again
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
It may well be that neither of you realizes the scope of the sitch. Often newbies have only seen the tip of the ice berg, sorry to say. I don't mean to discourage, just to let you know its time to buckle your seat belt because it may get worse before it gets better.
I do not like seeing him this sad, and I am not sure how to help him. This is the tricky part. "Helping" right now, is counterintuitive. You can't "help". You can make things harder or easier, but the real work has to be done by your H. Knowing someone we love hurts makes us want to rush and comfort and take care of. No, no and no.
You can help your H by backing up. Literally and figuratively. Give him physical space - not like he has the plague - just more like you have some reason to not sit in his lap.
Give him emotional space. NO R TALKS No ILY. No gifts, no "romance".
Give him mental "space" - he has a lot of thinking to do. He may "think" best when staring off into space, working on the car or any of a million other ways. But he needs peace and quiet and "permission" to zone out.
Be strong. Your H can't be strong for both of you right now. He will be having a hard enough time taking care of himself. If he sees you weepy and sad, dependent on him for stability, it will be way too much pressure.
When your H does talk, ACTIVELY LISTEN. If you haven't read up on how to do that, do some google searches. It means you pay attention and you validate what is said. Validating doesn't mean you have to AGREE but it means you have HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. Such as
H "I feel so lost right now. I can't believe I didn't get that job."
CP "I hear you H. I am sorry you feel that way. It was disappointing about the job."
Compare that to "Oh don't worry about the job, its really no big deal."
The second response tells H he's wrong to feel the way he does, and that something that matters greatly to him isn't important. Not what the speaker meant, but what can come across.
It is EXCELLENT that you are paying attention to yourself and your appearance. These things may not be commented on but subliminally H may notice. More importantly, YOU notice and you feel better about yourself.
Do not try to pursue romance right now. Sigh. This is hard, I know. Just when you want most to be cherished - you can't have it. I have not initiated asking to go on a date in a couple of months, is it considered pressure if I ask? YES it is pressure. AND it is pursuit.
Best odds for H's emotional return is for you to let him go. You must have heard the old saying,
If you love something set it free. If it returns, its yours. If not, then it was never meant to be.
No pressure. No pursuit.
Is there anything I can do to get him to look at me less as a mother and more of an attractive woman?
It would seem this is a good question... but actually this is a bad question. Its bad because it speaks to you doing something to change/control your H. CP, you can't control your H. You cannot make him see you one way or another. If you are asking how you can make yourself more attractive - there are countless magazines and websites devoted to that subject. But what your true efforts are through DBing are deeper than hair dye. Not that the surface should be ignored! But what DBing is really for is YOU. You need to look at yourself, in both the mirror and your mind's eye, and figure out what would make you more attractive - to yourself. How you can change your appearance and your behavior so that you know you are a vital and appealing woman - in addition to being a mother.
Deep breathing CP. Do lots of reading. Do lots of posting.
I have to run.
Take care
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
So far I have actually read quite a few books. I have read DB, DR, "Hold me Tight" by Sue Johnson, "Runaway Husbands" by Vikki Stark, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum, "The 5 Love Languages" and "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson.
Any other book suggestions are welcome.
I also have a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", and I haven't started reading it yet.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Ive read most of the books on Snodderly's Highly recommended reading Material thread that is in the links that I gave you.
Concentrate on the mid life books first(Conway,Diamond and Sheehy) and then the depression ones(I like the male depression ones and The Pain behind the Mask).
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Just caught back up with your ditch. Sorry things don't seem to be getting better. I definitely know your state of mind. We're gonna survive this one way or the other. I know everyone talks about Limboland, but it seems finding the map out of town is just as bad, if not worse. I typed it in on my GPS, and the lady's voice came back with a "your screwed" comment.
The going dim has been better for me, fewer chances at mistakes, and my state of mind has changed from hold on a little longer to its time let love go. I guess I may never get the answer to the why anyways, it's still shocking that I'm in the first place.
I hope you can hold on a lil longer. There's gotta be an end eventually, right? Hopefully you can get this pulled off without the damage being done now overwhelming the processl
