That is a nice story too, Linda! I find it interesting that these "little" things trigger such huge "things", like falling in love, etc. Guess we are seeing the shadow side of that now with our mlc'ers, huh?
PON, don't beat yourself up please...maybe you are right as to her motivation, but maybe you are mind reading? Maybe something is going on with D...my boys all had periods where they wanted back in the bed, or wanted Mom in their room. My W has been out of our bed again for 8 months, but it started with one of the boys being really sick...she just never returned for her own reasons right now.
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So S1 deployed for fire again, it was sweet, yet hard to watch him and GF say their goodbye, and the other crew and their SO's...really touches me, the goodbyes when the .mil folks deploy, and the safe returns as well...want to get T2 all choked up? Take him to a deployment goodbye, speaks to something very, very deep within...the possibility of not returning or seeing again.
And I felt, for the first time in a long time, that "lack" in my life. Not that my job is danger ridden (though bike commuting these days in a smartphone/xanax laden driver world IS dangerous), but you don't know...and I think we all here realize that yeah...they could be gone. With no real goodbye, assuming that the day would be just like any other, see them in a few hours, just like all the days before... With the common speed of personality switch in a lot of mlc cases, we don't get to say good-bye to our "old" spouse, who they were, as GreyMeadow eloquently said. By the time we figure out that something is horribly wrong, "they" are "gone".
So, to get out of my funk, I started thinking of what a future R would look like, as AJ suggested previously. This realization that every/anyday could be your last to see your love will be part of that for me, and I think a requirement from whomever I have the R with. At least just that basic understanding. Of course there are tons of other ideas mapped out on paper, but this is something that really struck me. A core "want".
W continues to be nice, no drama, but quite a bit withdrawn from me still. But connecting with the kids. Wish I could show her the other aspects of a R with improved T2, the projects we worked on together is a small step I think, but she is still keeping distance, and I am still letting her lead, I can tell there are things processing. Sharpening up the patience shovel blade for now.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I so get what you mean about not being able to say goodbye to our spouses before they go into crisis.
The way I thought about it was this. I didnt need to say goodbye so that he could hear it. I just needed to say it to myself.
And I did. I wrote down all the things about him that I would miss. And I wrote the things I loved about him, our stories, our "inside" jokes.
I wrote about how sad I would be if he never returned to the man that I once knew.
And I started to realize that we are not the same either. And I wondered if they came out of this, would they feel sad, too, that we are different?
There were things in my marriage, and with my h, that I would have wanted to be different.
But really, when you think about it, it is just life, right? Things change, people change, people come and go.
So, I tried really hard to honor my marriage and its memories. And I accepted that things change. And sometimes with great growth, comes amazing things.
No one knows what the future holds. That is the great thing about it.
It is entirely possible that you can have an extraordinary new marriage with your wife. One in which you both know you have weathered a difficult storm, but, you choose to be together to forge a new relationship.
It doesnt take away from the old relationship. You still had that, you experienced it and have your memories.
But it does allow for something entirely new and different. Where you have great new tools and where you get to use what you've learned. There is something exciting about that, too.
This is hard stuff, T. Hard for you and hard for her. She has to figure out what she wants and reconcile all these feelings she has. She has to decide what is real and what isnt and if what she thought she wanted still holds true.
I know that you get a little antsy sometimes - like come on already. LOL! But, you cant rush it. You want her to go throug all the steps. She has to, you see, to come out the other side.
I am running a special on the patience shovel. Let me know what you need.
Thank you uR, you are wonderful...if you ever want to move to fly-over country and get some mountain air, let me know..I'll make sure the house next door is "available"...
I did forget something, W did introduce me, without really "needing" to, to her manager and asst manager, she used "this is my husband, T2" and she later told me, out of the blue, that her asst. manager thought S1 and I were cute. So introducing me a wee bit to "her new world" maybe? And she still hasn't gotten gung-ho on the job search...so back in late April and thinking/talking D, she was adamant that we wait to tell the kids until after school was out so we didn't have that huge disruption with school...well now school is coming up quickly at end of Aug, and no paying job, no talk of D. I would think she'd want the kids to know with enough time to recover before school started, and her place all set for districts and such for "her weeks" with physical custody, ya know?
Just throwing thoughts out here, talking out loud, documenting, etc...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thank you for writing that UW. It was what I needed to hear today even if it wasn't specifically to me.
And T, I feel you... No matter how busy we are or how much we GAL, there is that empty space where our spouse once was. And it svcks.
So once we reside ourselves to the fact that we could live without our spouses, that we're not gonna curl up in a ball and die, then I feel we can move on to wanting them in our life. Or not.
It seems we still want them in our life, T. At least for today
Pass that patience shovel on this way when you're finished!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I did forget something, W did introduce me, without really "needing" to, to her manager and asst manager, she used "this is my husband, T2" and she later told me, out of the blue, that her asst. manager thought S1 and I were cute. So introducing me a wee bit to "her new world" maybe? And she still hasn't gotten gung-ho on the job search...so back in late April and thinking/talking D, she was adamant that we wait to tell the kids until after school was out so we didn't have that huge disruption with school...well now school is coming up quickly at end of Aug, and no paying job, no talk of D. I would think she'd want the kids to know with enough time to recover before school started, and her place all set for districts and such for "her weeks" with physical custody, ya know?
Just throwing thoughts out here, talking out loud, documenting, etc...
Sounds like small positive steps. Do you think your W spoke about D to kind of air the thoughts? Soon after bomb drop, my W spoke about D or separation alot with her friends (I was still snooping at the time). While she did a lot of speaking, she never took any actual steps to do anything. I wonder that many MLCers are like this. This is why we believe only 50% of what they say.
Idk, SA...you may be right, W would do that, even before mlc, and she was in a frustrated "run" mode at the time.
My problem is I think of things how I would do them, trying to make sense of what I am seeing, hearing, etc. Thus my conclusions are not really valid. And, why we are advised not to watch the pot boil, and believe none of what they say, etc. We are not in their mind, worldview, so we can't see it as it really is...
So I report here and see what comes back from more experienced, outside the sitch, minds than mine.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
You and T make me feel so wanted. Thank you. I am sure your state is a beautiful place to live. And who knows where I will wind up one day?
T2, I have seen, several times, what it looks like when someone is done. I have heard what they say, I have seen how they've acted.
I do not think your wife is going anywhere. That's not to say she is out of the tunnel because clearly she isnt. But I do feel that all these baby steps are her working through things.
I want to tell you a little something about me. I try really hard to be positive on here. But, where I am from, you tell it like it is. So, I do not think it is fair to give false hope when clearly there isnt any. The only way I know how to be is honest. And I think my friends on here can attest to that.
T2 curiosity question. You ever try talking with W about "swings". Like my W gave me 10 great days of being a W. Talking. Wearing rings, no secret phones, talking futuristic. Then she got her "friend" got migraines for 3 days. I tried spooning her and she back to less then civil W. I never speak with her about it but it is such a drastic change. I'm always tempted to ask "is there something I did to offend you as of recent". Sometimes there is (she holds it all in), most of the time she'll say "you know how I feel about you" etc..
She does keep talking about menopause and her migraines etc..She pieces parts of it together.
My sponsor is really helping me but man somedays are really hard for me.
