Hi all I'm new here, a friend recommended this site-it helped her through her marriage problems a couple years back, so here I am and grateful to have found a support system. I'm sorry this is so long.....
We have had a complicated love story. My H and I met at a company Christmas party and started dating shortly after, he was 18 and I was 20, and found out I was pregnant a few short months later. I come from a very traditional Italian catholic family and my H came from a very lenient, to the point where there was no real parenting, family. He broke up with me and we continued to work in the same building while I was pregnant and he was dating another gilt, she was a real piece of work. It was a rough pregnancy We didn't talk at all and he sometimes believed that the baby was not his. He came to the hospital after our son was born and w started darting again a few months later. We started planning our wedding, he began to have cold feet about a year before, at which I told him it was up to him but I needed a partner and my son needed a father so was he in or out...he was in. We got married in 1997. We were both young, had a small child, bought a house, had another baby in 1999, I almost died in the summer of 2002 from complications to Crohn's disease, he lost his well paying job that January and was working random jobs for about 2 years before he got back into his industry. He became a supervisor but HATED where he worked and I prayed for years that he would find a good job, close to home, that he would love and it finally happened last August. As you can imagine we didn't fight well but, I have to say, we love each other deeply. I've noticed him withdrawing for a couple of years, I would tell him to get some friends, hobbies, have fun, but he jus wasn't interested or even knew how maybe. He has problems with sticking to things. He comes from a family of "runners". His dad had multiple affairs on his mom, she also had one, they moved across the country to get away from bad jobs and/people. really, no real family life or structure. H dropped out of high school in grade 9 and has always wanted to go back, even signed up but never cracked the books once. He was completely part of my family, I have a large extended family, who helped us through and was always there for us. I had noticed after Christmas that he was withdrawing further. Our S18 got into college, BIG DEAL as he has leafing disabilities and had tried right out of high school but didn't qualify, and H never acknowledged it. There was a big fight.....I told him it was inappropriate that he needed his day's encouragement and love.....that is when I think he snapped. I told him I couldn't do it anymore and wanted a divorce. It was never seriously discussed but it would be in passing conversation. I realized that it was not what I wanted and tried to do things to help bring us closer but it wasn't working He told me, via text, he was done and pretty sure he didn't want to fix us. I freaked out and became sickly sweet for about a week. He told me he was moving out, to his sister's no OW, and I left the house, with the kids, until he was gone. We've had a few discussions but he's not interested in reconciling and has stared divorce proceedings. I never chased him or stalked him but was in a fog for the first couple of months...crying all the time and functioning at a basic level for me and the boys. I have become someone who doesn't talk about "us" and have started living my life, as best as I can, I think that his preconceived ideas are starting to fall apart. Our older S was going to move in with dad but decided to stay in our home, told his dad this is our home and has offered to pay rent to help make money to keep it, a few times he's wanted to take the boys but we've/they have had other plans so didn't want to "hang out" and I'm not acting crazy or getting a boyfriend, he wanted me to find one, so he can't prove I'm a crazy lady and he's the "bad guy" that left. He doesn't talk to me. Refuses to come by the house unless absolutely necessary. Won't talk to any of our friends or my family. Won't even really connect with the dog, the dog he wanted, even though the dog is always so excited to see him. I see a lot of success stories here, which is encouraging, but a lot of them are when both spouses remain in the house.....what if one leaves? Is there different tactics? I have signed up for coaching, and have one session, she was very good and said I'm on the right path with leaving him alone but wondering what you thought as well Sorry for the long post... Not sure what info you want/need and what I just want to get off my chest
Thank you in advance
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
So sorry you find yourself in here, but this is a life saver lots of good people in here who care and want to help.Our Cadet will come along shortly and give you lots of homework to read, this is a very long journey you have been put on,but we are so much stonger than we think we are. I have been on my journey for 6 yrs. now and with out this board and the people in here I never would be where I am today.My life is balanced and the hurt and pain has subsided,you will get alot of support from here. I am still a stander even tho my ex has remarried just my own personal convictions about my vows and my trust in God. I hope you come here daily to vent if that's what you need to do,I pray God gives you strength and comfort for you will need it. Irma
Welcome to a place where you can laugh, cry, share and get advice all with unconditional caring and love!
I'm glad you got a coaching session; they are very, very good!
Yes, there are success stories where one moves out. The one moving out does experience a degree of "freedom" that isn't available when living at home so it's quite scary.
But when you do see your H, you can be at your very best (looking and smelling great, upbeat, cheerful) that can be more challenging when he is at home all the time, pressing the limits of activities that destroy the M.
My sitch is a success story. His only sibling died in 2008 and some fallout after that where he had to take care of everyone and everything but himself, led to him questioning everything about his life, leading to a crisis.
He moved out for 15 months, but the last six months was occasional sleepovers, then a few nights a week, then 5 nights a week, then fully home! We are doing MC regularly. I used 3 sessions of DB counseling and lots of IC. We were very close to D as H was pushing it but within a week of the papers signed by both, H balked and it didn't go through!
Our reconciliation has been slow and painful, just like the whole MLC process. But I can assure you it's worth the trouble.
It maybe things don't come to rconciliation. That's the thing about DBing. It gives you a good handle on how to work with people and encourages self-reliance and self-confidence.
These are difficult times. Hang in there. Read the material Cadet posts, it will help inspire you along the way.
Post often, your hopes, your dreams, your sorrows, your victories, your questions.
And take a deep breath. And know you'll be okay!
reachingHigher
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Not that it makes much difference but my H's sibling died in Feb' 07 and my H woke up one morning in July '08 and said to himself he was "done" -- done with everything about our life as we then knew it.
So...the crisis took a was a while to get really going...
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank you iLikemenow and reachinghigher. I am slowly finding my new groove but it's like a bad dream....actually, I used to dream he would leave and come back......I feel like I'm in my own nightmare. He has tried to make "get together" dates with the boys a couple of times and its not worked out, not through me, but just with their schedules. Also, our S18 told him two weeks ago that he doesn't want to move in with him, when he finally gets a place, he wants to stay here. I told H that the boys were scared to lose our home and to give me time to find a way to make more money to take over the mortgage and that S18 offered to pay rent and S14 cried he didn't want to leave. I also, months ago, told him the boys are not his new buddies coming for sleepovers because they work, school, friends and activities but he thought I was exaggerating. I think that now our son wants to stay with me and there have been a few failed attempts to connect with them he may begin to realize I'm not lying "to guilt him to come back".
I have not contacted him for anything but I noticed that last Sunday he called the house to talk to the boys, messaged me to get the boys to call him (he had tried but they weren't answering but I checked their phone and he did not) and he called the house the other day to talk to them again........I wonder if he's "checking up" on me? Is that crazy? At his core he's a family man so I'm wondering how long before the loneliness is overwhelming?
I giggled when reachinghigher suggested to make myself up....I had been and thought "oh good Lord I'm wooing my husband" but I guess I was on the right track. He had moved in with his sister but now rents a room with some people he works with and, if I can say, it looks like a flop house. One of his complaints is that I clean too much so I guess it's in response to that. I hope he's happy there. I keep making plans with the boys and life is pretty much as normal as it can be. Cooking, cleaning, working laughing, talking but I make an effort to do more activities with the boys, H thought I didn't put them first that I was too involved with my business, and I'm working hard on the yelling and controlling. Two BIG complaints from him.....the boys have commented that I don't yell like I used to (although in fairness I'm Italian and sometimes people think we're yelling and we're just talking. Haha). I've even made plans with one of his sisters to go to a local outdoor pool for a picnic and she's taking S14 on a camping trip with her two kids. This is also the sister I've known longer than H. At first we talked about things, I have never been negative about H although I did say I thought it was MLC and depression, but in the last month or so I'm very careful not to bring his name up to her.
Hi Cadet....thank you for the links. I've been doing a lot of searching through the forums and trying to find out info....I'll definitely add this to the list. I'm just worried that because he's moved out and started proceedings he just won't notice. When I told him I would not "help him" he got very angry saying "fine....if you want me to be the [censored]!" I told him no one had called him that, and it's true, but I was shocked he started. Paperwork and this type of thinking is just not him.....I think that was why he was so angry. He was fairly certain I would hire a lawyer and take control, like I normally do, but have not and he's ended up spending a lot of money, he does not have, hiring a divorce coach and lawyer.
This is definitely a study in patience.....and I know that I could use the work here.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Thank you for these links Cadet. If I was not completely sure before I now am that my H is TYPICAL MLC mode currently in replay. I read through a few of the stories and light bulbs went off everywhere. Thankfully, no OW, but holy moly everything else seems to be spot on. Haven't had any contact with him since last Monday but have been doing my thing working and stuff with the boys. Just wondering......is it odd for anyone that he hasn't deleted my friends/family off of Facebook? He blocked me about a month ago but still has my mom, sisters, cousins everyone on there
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
I know for certain there is no OW at this time and every once in a while I think "yet" and push it back out. Don't want to "put it out there"
I am also the devil I just thought it odd that there still there and listed as family members as well as photos of us together but I have a tendency to read too much I to things. Lol. Need to work on that
It's weird but each day that goes by I think less "what's he doing?" He works, main job, 2 blocks from our home and it is a very viable place that we can see from our house or anywhere in the surrounding area or just driving down the main streets. His part time job is also a very visible place that you can see from many places driving around. Both places heavily advertise on the radio and tv so I often wonder what he's doing......it makes it a little harder when you can always see/hear something that reminds you of them
I try to remind myself that I got the "better" deal as I have all the support systems, he totally shunned them, and the boys spend a majority of their time with me but when something exciting happens or I need to talk I have to remind myself I can't just call him..,.we used to talk/message multiple times a day EVERY day for 20 years. It's weird
Can i ask What stage are you at in the process?
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Yes the whole thing is "weird" to say the very least. Part of the weirdness for me is that from my perspective the whole world is upside down but yet life just keeps marching along like nothing has happened. Kind of like The Matrix - we are no longer blind to the system.
Can i ask What stage are you at in the process?
I read this question last night and have been trying to figure out how to answer you. I'm still trying to figure it out lol.
Idk if you've read my sitch, which is a little different from many. My M didn't go from great to bad overnight. Its rather gone from bad to worse. I haven't thought of my H as someone to turn to for a very long time, so that part of this is not new for me.
I am at a stage of just trying to figure out what is morally right, and what is right for me, and how to get those two things as close together as possible. I have very little hope of reconciling with H, and am not even sure I want to. We still live together, mostly as if nothing has happened. Which, like you said, is "weird".
Take care Rose
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
