A Feral Cat, Puzzling 4

[AJM]

I don't speak for T, but I work in a field where I have to identify patterns. I'm good at it.

I made that mistake before with the ex. I noticed a "pattern" and pointed it out.

I can confirm it pis##d her off

AJ

[ThisDayForward]

I got thrown out of house for pointing it out. Now I just try to stfu

[TSquared2]

I have been making a living for a long time recognizing patterns, lol, but have learned, to paraphrase an old Fleetwood Mac song:

"I keep my patterns to myself"

[RosaLinda]

T^2, I'm glad you had an uneventful weekend, MLC-wise I sort of agree with what you described "So, for operational purposes only, I'm rolling with the "the silence of the spouse is imperative" from the "Stages" doc, going with some depression/withdrawal stage, whether part of the acceptance stage cycle or not I can't tell, but it is a working model right now until I know differently.' She sounds a lot like my H. He had a crazy 2 year EA replay period, then became horribly withdrawn from me and life in general, for a whole year. I hope that your W will move on soon, into acceptance. From what reachingHigher says, that is still a difficult stage at times.

PON, as I've mentioned to T^2 in the past, peri-menopause can be a awful time for a woman, due to the hormonal imbalances. I could not sleep, I could not concentrate or think clearly, would burst into tears at the slightest provocation, I felt horrible. I cannot imagine going thru that in addition to being in MLC. Your wife might think that she is too young at 41, but mine started around 40 and I was in full menopause by 44. My GYN put me on low dose birth control pills, and I went back to normal within weeks.

That being said, there is absoloutely nothing you can do about it! T^2 said "PON, one thing seems to be that they have to figure out their stuff themselves, how many times have we heard it here? How about in your program?" The fact that she texted you that her migraine might be due to hormones is great. You just validate ("you could be right W") and step out of the way!

They have to figure it out themselves. M H and TVS's H are both chronically ill, and refuse to take their medication. I worry so much about my H, but he does not want me to be involved in his health (his Russian OW is directing that ) so I STFU. Stand back watching him get sicker and sicker. It is very hard.

uR said it very well "Here's the thing, boys, when it comes to depression or hormones or anything debilitating, having someone, fix it or try to fix it takes away our power. And other people see things before we see them ourselves." Good luck to you!

[ThisDayForward]

My W has a tiny hole in heart. Nothing that needs repair but... that being said she can't take birth control due to high risk of blood clots. Either way Linda well said. nothing I can do. She needs to figure it all out on her own.

[TSquared2]

Thank you Linda, it helps to see from someone's real life experience. Ah, the joys of mid-life, eh?

Well, something is different with W. Though maybe my work stress is affecting my perceptions. There is just a different "vibe" about her. She told me of buying "work" clothes, and how she decided to just get interview things now, then when she knew her assignment, then appropriate clothes, as no point in getting "office work" clothes if she gets a "jeans casual" assignment.

The jewelry box on her dresser is not there anymore, this box contained her wedding rings, a pic of me and S1 from a very happy time in the past, some other jewelry things I don't remember. I know this from when I snooped way back in the beginning. The rings have been on her finger since May, still there, and I did see the pics on the counter in the kitchen a while ago. The other "regular" jewelry box is still where it has been. Looked like she was sorting through her clothes again. And her music has changed from pop to classical/ambient/NPR music, like when she moved back into the MBR last year (and moved out again in November/December last year).

Got a "feeling" (yes, a feeling, not facts, lol) that something had maybe been decided, or that she wants to say something...just a demeanor change...and again, MY impressions could be off due to work stress, physical discomfort due to my injury, and other stuff right now...I am operating in a higher stress/anxiety mode (though not bad at all) so I can be in a higher alert mode, looking for the next problem/shoe to drop. As detached as I seem to be able to manage most of the time, I still get spells of "un-detached"...lol.

She had also left some of her journaling open out on the table, I started to look at it standing above it, see if my name was in there, she walked in and saw...I apologized and said that I didn't make out anything, since I didn't have my reading glasses on...and that is true...I made out just one word in the big block of text. Interesting that she didn't put it away after that, but I made sure to avoid going anywhere near the table.

I did end up later telling her she looked nice, and she did, which also made me wonder things (but I have learned that women do that just for themselves a lot, so not wondering too much). I delivered it, grrr, like a shy 12 year old boy, I was so uncomfortable not wanting to pressure or what. But in a way, that IS me, since I am not a player kinda guy, pretty unassuming and respectful. Of course later I found it ironic that that was how I was in the beginning of our R, "afraid" to say it and get rejected along with the above. I think I saw a "good" reaction to it, idk.

So I wouldn't hover about trying to figure out what was up, I left for the evening, got out of my own way. Hung out at my office, watching a movie.

So my gut isn't telling me much, good or bad, I hope it ain't broken right now...lol.

I guess this is a journal entry, comments appreciated as always.

Man, what a journey still.
T^2

[RosaLinda]

Hmm T, you are pretty tuned in to your W, I doubt if work or injury stress is skewing your perception.   How long have you been noticing these changes? The photos on the kitchen counter, rings, clothes, and music all sound like she has come to some kind of resolution or place of peace in her mind. I'd be interested to hear the reaction of someone more discerning than I am, but it sounds positive to me. 

Women do like to look nice for themselves, for other women and for men, so no help there, but I'm sure with your sweet unassuming wonderful DBing T2 manner, she appreciated your compliment, rather than feeling pressured by it. Have you tried any more physical contact? I tried touching my H's shoulder yesterday when I passed him and got glared at. Still too soon I guess. 

I saw that big fire in CA, T. Does your son expect to be deployed there? And how DO you feel? Sorry, I'd forgotten you'd been injured.

[ForeverYoung]

I think your perceptions are correct. Something big/new/different IS going on in her world. Instead of getting out of the way, what do you think would happen if you stayed busy nearby, you know, just to give her a chance to feel comfortable opening up to you?

Get the White Lab Coat and goggles out!

[reachingHigher]

Well, something is different with W. Though maybe my work stress is affecting my perceptions. There is just a different "vibe" about her.

I think you would know. I do think you are picking up on something. Comparing to my sitch, in January, when H made an appointment with the doctor, I had been picking up on these "different" vibes for a while. They are finally willing to so something for themselves.


The jewelry box on her dresser is not there anymore, this box contained her wedding rings, a pic of me and S1 from a very happy time in the past, some other jewelry things I don't remember. I know this from when I snooped way back in the beginning. The rings have been on her finger since May, still there, and I did see the pics on the counter in the kitchen a while ago. The other "regular" jewelry box is still where it has been. Looked like she was sorting through her clothes again.

It makes me wonder if the actual jewelry box was "given" to her by someone else and she didn't want it around. There is some reason it is removed.


And her music has changed from pop to classical/ambient/NPR music, like when she moved back into the MBR last year (and moved out again in November/December last year).

I think the music factor is significant. My H's taste in music has reflected his joinery all along. Now he's got a mix -- a little of MLC music still mixed in but it doesn't drive him like it used to.


Got a "feeling" (yes, a feeling, not facts, lol) that something had maybe been decided, or that she wants to say something...just a demeanor change...

Demeanor changes clue us in at the beginning that something is "off". Why shouldn't we notice when something is "on"? I would not try any physical advances due to her background. I'd wait for those "appropriate" and "obvious" clues she gives off. She will want you and you'll know it.


She had also left some of her journaling open out on the table, I started to look at it standing above it, see if my name was in there, she walked in and saw...I apologized and said that I didn't make out anything, since I didn't have my reading glasses on...and that is true...I made out just one word in the big block of text. Interesting that she didn't put it away after that, but I made sure to avoid going anywhere near the table.

fantastic job! Respecting her privacy in a huge way.


I did end up later telling her she looked nice, and she did, which also made me wonder things (but I have learned that women do that just for themselves a lot, so not wondering too much). I delivered it, grrr, like a shy 12 year old boy, I was so uncomfortable not wanting to pressure or what. But in a way, that IS me, since I am not a player kinda guy, pretty unassuming and respectful. Of course later I found it ironic that that was how I was in the beginning of our R, "afraid" to say it and get rejected along with the above. I think I saw a "good" reaction to it, idk.

I think it was good not to gush about it. Your W seems so timid with you.


Man, what a journey still.


Isn't it though?

Thanks for your confidence in me as posted on my thread. It means so much

[uRworthy]

T, I think you have such good instincts, I am sure if you are feeling a shift, then it is there.

I get what FY is saying about staying close. Not so sure. Sometimes when they are taking a big step forward, they need to really think it through once more, without any outside "noise", ya know?

But you know her best. And I know you will do what you feel is right.

And we will be here rooting you on.