T2 funny thing last night she made a comment about her "end of the month friend" coming when it wants and all over the place. We have been joking around more lately and I just said "[censored] getting old doesn't it"
My W won't even take advil and I am pretty sure even if she went to OB and the OB said take this she wouldn't. Don't know why just how she is. For example her Vit D level was at 9. Should be in high 30's. She does nothing about it. Even though this is linked to depression etc.
So what I'm learning and had trouble with for very long time is this is out of my control. I also try to get busy when W turns into Cranky W or I hate you W. I still get spun out but I am really early on in my Alanon program. it has been a huge help but I have so much work to do here.
Honestly I am not sure if she has self awareness. I know others see it. her mother etc. Problem is I can't bring it up really. She hits the roof if I do. but it truly is blantantly obvious. When I have brought it up in the past she will say its because I'm trying and when I don't feel it anymore I give up. (trying to have feelings for me etc..) I don't know if she sees it herself. She hasn't opened up to me about it. For example after vacation she started doing this again for no apparent reason (although Im learning air travel can trigger stuff etc.)
The other thing I noticed is when she is super nice she stops hiding her phone. That is why I suspect some EA. Like for 2 1/2 months she been hiding phone and then boom its out in the open and not hiding a thing. Even will start telling me who is texting her if it is later in the evening (I never ask, she just tells me)
In my situation, both myself and MC suggested that she check in w/OB on the possibility that it was a contributing factor.
Was not received well and to this day W has refused to acknowledge that hormonal changes could be any part of the issue....
So from my experience, limited on only my scenario, my thought would be that going down that path for your W has to be her decision......
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Semp I 2000% agree. A few years ago I went down this path and it lead to physical separation.
For example. Her friend is overdue by a 5 days. Last night she told me her left eye was twitching all day long. Today when out with the kids she had major migraine hit her. Basically blind for hour. She doesn't connect the dots of her friend to migraines. It is very odd how they go into refusal. In my W's case it doesn't matter because she won't take vitamins or anything to help her. She has also blamed her migraines on me in the past because migraines are caused by stress and being in a bad marriage is stressful. Even though she felt great for the last few days. also her sensitivity to smells right before a migraine hits is absolutely mind blowing to me. I sincerely feel for her. I would hate to be going through any of what she is experiencing but as you said it is something she has to figure out on her own.
one time she blamed her migraines on me moving back to the master bedroom after we reconciled
OMG my W for the first time via txt admitted her migraine triggered by hormones. I didn't know what to say. I just gave her sympathy and made a soft joke
In my sitch W figured it out herself with the docs, due to other issues of ob/gyn nature, they did a hormone level test. And there it was. It also started some counseling on what this meant in her life and such, initiated by the docs and W, since they specialize in this field, they do much more than "here's your test results, here's a prescription, bye-now".
Main thing...it wasn't ME who brought it up...very important.
The closest I came was saying something like, "How your acting sorta reminds me of how you were after S1 was born, remember that?" But I do usually know when it's a "good time" to drop pseudo-suggestions in her realm for her to consider...like planting seeds. But I do it VERY sparingly.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
PON, one thing seems to be that they have to figure out their stuff themselves, how many times have we heard it here? How about in your program?
Tough lesson for me to learn and truly implement, but I am glad I did...took the stress/anxiety level down quite a bit for me. Still have to remind myself to STFU though... lol
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
for her to actually txt me and say "must be hormonal" is absolutely nuts. She never does it. I just made a joke about something her mother said last week. I didn't know what to say. I probably could've said "you're probably right" but I was in shock lol. I also try not to offer to much help believe it or not. In the past I would be like do you need me to leave work etc.. That got viewed as "you like me being sick"
Yes for me STFU is the utter most difficult thing for me to do.
Yes my program reminds me they have to figure it out all on their own. I don't make any suggestions anymore. I use to say goto your OB etc or try to fix her. She actually did a hormone test based on me pushing for it. I honestly try to completely stay out of it but try to be compassionate. It is a very tough balance.
LOL. You're a brave brave man for even considering telling her she may be hormonal or pre-menapausal (not that I'm any better.) At least do that from a distance
In seriousness, sure it could easily be a contributing factor. But as T said, she is responsible for her actions and for herself. Regardless of the underlying reason. She has to figure it out for herself and you will be the last person that can tell her. Or at least that she'll listen to about such things.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Oh boy, are you ever right, AJ. This might be too much info but funny story.
Let's say I would get "hormonal" every month. Didnt realize how I acted.
So, xh goes on a business trip. Sits next to two women talking about it. A light bulb goes off in his head.
COmes home and tells me he knows what my problem is.
Let's just say he heard some words that might make a sailor blush. LOL!
Truth is, he was right. That was a large part of my problem. But I had to figure that out for myself and I did.
Here's the thing, boys, when it comes to depression or hormones or anything debilitating, having someone, fix it or try to fix it takes away our power. And other people see things before we see them ourselves.
It is all part of the process for us to figure it out.
Because if someone is telling us we are broken in some way - it tends to pis# us off. LOL!
Really though, the awakening has to come from the person in order for it to be dealt with.
So, save yourselves and get the heck out of the way.
