Well we decided that we just couldn't take on anymore responsibility right now, both cost and time...this is a tricky time. I am pretty sure that part of W's mlc thing is the responsibility factor, so trying really hard to keep from adding to it right now, until she is in a better place, or gone. So no Corgi, S3 took it pretty well and was bounced back in a few hours. Truck diagnosed, but not repaired yet. No new planting til later (just some arugula and fast growing cool weather stuff...too hot here right now and again trying to keep the stress and responsibility factors lowered).
A quiet weekend, I was surprised again that W did not work Saturday, and she worked a shorter shift Sunday. Not reading much into it past she was tired, as she did sleep a lot (maybe the depression? idk). She spent a lot of time listening to meditation tapes/CDs and EFT stuff on the web as far as I could tell. Still not tons of communication but she was pleasant and such, informing me and the kids of things as needed.
I did spend some time pondering the "done" question, what scenarios I would be, etc...things like her moving out, or obviously back into replay activities hardcore, or getting the next OM "lined up" sort of things. Also questions like what the future R might look like, would any changes in her be problematic, would I see and live things that I want in a R, etc. AJ's posts always make me think, and something 2 out of 3 S's asked me spurred it on as well...(I don't want to post what that question was, it's kinda heartbreaking, just in case some read this). The closer you get to the end, the more tempting quitting gets, eh? It is good to process this and get it out of my system so I can be better focused again.
So, for operational purposes only, I'm rolling with the "the silence of the spouse is imperative" from the "Stages" doc, going with some depression/withdrawal stage, whether part of the acceptance stage cycle or not I can't tell, but it is a working model right now until I know differently.
It is tough at this stage as I have seen some positive things, and really want to speed things up...which I know I shouldn't, and really can't, do.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
and something 2 out of 3 S's asked me spurred it on as well...(I don't want to post what that question was, it's kinda heartbreaking, just in case some read this). The closer you get to the end, the more tempting quitting gets, eh? It is good to process this and get it out of my system so I can be better focused again.
And that really is the point. To get the thinking of it done now before you are faced with the decision and have to make it on the fly. I do honestly think, even though I wasn't in that position (so take it for what it's worth) that you have a really good shot. I think your W is a very very lucky woman. And I think you'll make your choices from a very well informed position. And very well thought out.
I think it's a good idea to focus more on what the future R might look like vs. the rest of the "noise".
I suspect a lot of the same ideas go through her mind about you go through her mind and she'll need time to work those out.
I also think you realize by now that you can only do what you can, and have to let the rest play out. She has choices and so do you. But now is the time for more patience than you've had to date.
And I think you're up to the task. Still a long road to go, but I think you have it in you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hey T. I am sorry your sons asked you some stuff that was hard to here.
Being tired and sleeping a lot - huge part of depression.
I just wanted to say that while I understand you wanting to be prepared, I am not so sure it serves you well at this time to get ahead of yourself too much.
I think you know what you will and wont accept and that's good. I think you know what kind of relationship you want and will expect should she turn towards you in R.
Other than that, you dont know how it will play out so it's best to concentrate on what you are doing now.
I agree with AJ, as I often do, that you have an excellent handle on this and have a really good chance of this winding up well.
You just keep to the plan, my friend. Tweak it when you must. Leave it in His capable hands and just live.
I know I have a tendency to get ahead of myself...just part of me that works rather well in the work world and is habitual. Too much chess growing up maybe??
I appreciate your input, thank you
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2 you do zero pursuit of your W? Just curious. The last week my W has been very pleasant to me. Very eerie. I try to lower my expectations because I now understand any expectations sets you up for resentment. My D recently started sleeping in her own bed and it is so tough for me not to roll over and physically touch the W. Actually sometimes I do it in my sleep and not even realize it. She calls me the groper
If you mean "physical" pursuit, then yes, I do not pursue that way at all. She doesn't sleep in the MBR anymore, so I don't have to worry about semi-conscious slip-ups, completely protected there...
I am trying to work the friendship thing, treating her well, but no talk pursuit...letting her lead and control the distance. She knows what the boundaries are now, I have a pretty clear idea of hers from all the people and info here in the forum, so we really don't cross each others anymore.
It's tough when you the "nice" return, eh? i have learned that it changes, so you are wise to keep expectations at zero.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2 for me it is extremely tough for me when the nice W returns. I really try to lower expectations. Although the last few nights I know in my sleep I've made physical contact with her. From the support on this forum I am now not sure my W is MLC. She certainly very perimenopause/hormonal. Which what I've learned is when they take over there bodies they sometimes don't even know. I don't know why I get so spun out when it does change because with my W pretty predictable. Hormones kick in and she hates me etc.. Very predictable. I am getting much better at not reacting. My sponsor is really helping me become selfless and not selfish. The last week has been enjoyable. almost pre-vacation nice.
Idk, I am to the point now where when "nice" W is in the house, I enjoy it to the max and am thankful...BUT, I don't expect it to continue (right now) and when she changes, I roll with the dance and get busy with my own stuff, the kids, etc. and don't let HER mood/issues determine my mood/happiness most of the time now.
Does your W know of the hormonal effects on her perceptions, behavior, etc? My W does the past year or so and "catches" herself before too much has gone on. She may still be grumpy, angry, etc, but doesn't take it out on the family anymore.
She has some prescription photo-hormones, wellbutrin and this herbal supplement called estroven (that supplement has made a HUGE difference, per W and per the rest of us). She is working with her ob/gyn/hormone docs to monitor levels and such, and get info from women docs who have gone through this themselves.
Main thing is to remember that she is responsible for herself and actions, you are responsible for yours...it took me quite a while to apply this consistently...but what a difference in MY life, coping, growing once I did.
hang in there!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
