A Feral Cat, Puzzling 4

[Wonka]

FY the hard thing to see is that for those vets, their mlcers are still in it, even now. They're still bat-shite crazy. That's when I had my wake up call. See I had read those books. I had my fantasy version set. H will go from this point to this point to this and come off the conveyor belt all nice and perfect and shiney.

The danger to this fantasy thinking is you'll end up frantically trying to grab all that candy off the conveyor belt like Lucy and Ethel!

[uRworthy]

It seems us giving up on them may be even more common than the other way around. Many of the vets here have done exactly that.

FY, You know how I feel about you. I felt that I needed to address this. I know that I and some of my vet friends, did not give up on our spouses.

It has been six years since my BD. And I honestly feel that my xh will probably not ever come through the crisis - for a lot of reasons. I think he is unwilling to do the work, unwilling to look within and face his demons. I think it is easier for him to walk away. I think it is too hard for him to admit something is wrong.

I forgave him a long time ago. He knows I did. I pray for him and wish that he does come through this. I did not give up. I let him go because I loved him enough to want him to find happiness and to come out of this whole and I needed to take care of me and our son.

He knows that if he ever needs me, I will be there for him. He knows that I wish him well on his life's journey. He also knows that when I love someone, I always love them.

But it is so true, what Raine said, "Some don't ever get off. Some are content to turn and walk the other direction so they can stay in place. Some get off it and head in a completely new direction in a whole new life and persona."

And so, because of that there is nothing left to do, but to let them go and move forward.

And sometimes, it is more than one can take. Some of these MLCers and their paths of destruction are horrific. So, it is not up to me to judge anyone's decision to stand or not, to quit or not. We, each of us, have to walk our own journey.

[RosaLinda]

Oh AJM, you poor man. I'm sure you WERE very committed, but I think having one's spouse marry their OP would be a deal breaker for anyone. My H has told me that he believes his OW only wants to marry him to get a green card and would probably divorce him within a year, but in the same conversation said he would marry her anyway because he doesn't want to hurt her. Arrrggghhhh! But if he does D me and marry that little tramp, I can tell you I won't be hanging around for another year to see what happens. 

Wonka you always make me laugh, remembering Lucy and Ethel stuffing themselves with candy off that conveyor belt

And uR, aw we all know you have never given up on your xH, to hope that he will come out of his insanity at least enough to be able to reconcile with your son. Bea too. 

"And sometimes, it is more than one can take. Some of these MLCers and their paths of destruction are horrific. So, it is not up to me to judge anyone's decision to stand or not, to quit or not. We, each of us, have to walk our own journey."

You guys are all so strong - uR, Bea, AJ, Cadet, Kaffe, Snodderly. We can tell by your characters that you did not give up the fight easily. Thanks for sticking around to help us!

[uRworthy]

T2, I had to look up HPD as I had never heard of it. Was your wife diagnosed with it or is it something you have figured out?

[AJM]

Funny thing about it is, Linda, I consider myself very lucky. I was devastated to be sure. I tried my but off to make things work. My ex was set on leaving and wasn't to be deterred.

But if I've learned one thing here, it's that I'm very lucky. I was fortunate to have a good marriage for almost all our years together. I was fortunate to have two great kids. I have me, and I have my sanity. I'm generally a very happy kind of guy naturally, and that's not gone either. In fact, I'm still the same me except a little older and a little less smart than when it started

I can see how it would be easy for the LBS to become a WAS. To make the pain stop. To take control of their own lives that have been in a collateral tail-spin somebody else started. I'm lucky to see that perspective and to have fought it. Not perfectly, but eventually. I'm lucky to see what forgiveness is really about and how murky that can be. I could have easily become bitter and angry and stayed that way. It wouldn't take anything but apathy to be like that, honestly. Knowing I wasn't alone in this story and knowing it's an old story helped me see that. This board helped with that a lot.

Nope, I feel very fortunate. Could have been worse. I remember being worried she would kill herself at one point. I think she considered it. I'm very glad I took the steps I took at the time and I'm glad she tells me often how happy she is (not like I believe it, but she tries and is more coherent now at least). I loved her deeply and it would be against my own belief to have walked away or to wish her ill. I'm glad I didn't and don't. As unpleasant as it was and sometimes still is with her, it could have been worse - she could have stayed and been doing the same things. (not really. I wouldn't have kept that going forever either.)

No matter what happens in life, we're responsible for us. We came into this world alone, naked and screaming. I intend to do the same on the way out And I'll be happy (generally) on the way there. I've learned somebody else doesn't bring me happiness. They also do not bring me unhappiness. That's my reaction.

T still has a chance and I'm sure he's glad he didn't walk away. I'm sure it was close many times and may still happen at some point. But it won't be because he doesn't love her or because he didn't try everything he possibly could - including patience and more patience. I'm sure Mrs T is a very lucky woman to have somebody like that fighting for her and with her, and not walking away. Nobody would blame him if he did, but they may call him crazy for staying. At least for now they may. Later they will call him a hero, especially if things continue to get better. I think they will continue to get better.

But it's been often that I've seen when the tide shifts, that it is more than the LBS can take (one more change?!?) and often that's when it gets tough. T seems to know that and has a way of dealing. I never got that chance, but not sure if I would have seen it if I did. It's a tough road.

Peace,
"Lucky"

[ForeverYoung]

It seems us giving up on them may be even more common than the other way around. Many of the vets here have done exactly that.

FY, You know how I feel about you. I felt that I needed to address this. I know that I and some of my vet friends, did not give up on our spouses.

It has been six years since my BD. And I honestly feel that my xh will probably not ever come through the crisis - for a lot of reasons. I think he is unwilling to do the work, unwilling to look within and face his demons. I think it is easier for him to walk away. I think it is too hard for him to admit something is wrong.

I forgave him a long time ago. He knows I did. I pray for him and wish that he does come through this. I did not give up. I let him go because I loved him enough to want him to find happiness and to come out of this whole and I needed to take care of me and our son.

He knows that if he ever needs me, I will be there for him. He knows that I wish him well on his life's journey. He also knows that when I love someone, I always love them.

But it is so true, what Raine said, "Some don't ever get off. Some are content to turn and walk the other direction so they can stay in place. Some get off it and head in a completely new direction in a whole new life and persona."

And so, because of that there is nothing left to do, but to let them go and move forward.

And sometimes, it is more than one can take. Some of these MLCers and their paths of destruction are horrific. So, it is not up to me to judge anyone's decision to stand or not, to quit or not. We, each of us, have to walk our own journey.

uRw, I completely understand and agree with what you posted here.

"Giving up on them" was a poor choice of words on my part. I apologize for any discomfort I caused with my comment.

[uRworthy]

Fy, no need to apologize at all, sweetie. As I said, you know how highly I think of you.

Many of my friends on here stood for so long and dealt with so much and sometimes there is nothing left to do but to move forward.

I just felt I needed to explain for any people who are new to this.

Fy, I know that you would not ever say anything with the intent to cause discomfort to anyone.

It's all good, my friend.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks uRw. For being you.

(her legs, feet and toes are some of my favorite body things about her)!!

I'm with you on this T! Wife wore shorty shorts on our bike ride today. While it may have frustrated a lessor man, it actually gave me inspiration to stand!

Sorry... back to your regular DB topics...

[RosaLinda]

AJ, I've been reading your post above over for the past couple of days. You sound like an amazing man, very T^2-ish Thank you for staying on this forum to help those of us still muddling thru this insanity. You are, indeed, lucky and blessed!

I have had a lot of people call me crazy for sticking out this out, including my own MIL. Looking forward to being seen as a heroine once H de-fogs himself! Thanks!

So T^, what did you guys decide about allowing your son to get a corgi? It DOES sound as if it's herding ability would be able to keep that crew of yours in line! This whole conversation does make it sound as if your W doesn't have any plans to go anywhere! Did you get those brussels planted this weekend? Cars repaired? Carry on......

[reachingHigher]

So T^, what did you guys decide about allowing your son to get a corgi? It DOES sound as if it's herding ability would be able to keep that crew of yours in line! This whole conversation does make it sound as if your W doesn't have any plans to go anywhere! Did you get those brussels planted this weekend? Cars repaired? Carry on......

I've been wondering this too, T^2, and how you are.