T^2, keep up the wonderful work. Hopefully your W will realize what she has at some point and if not...... the work will make you a better person for wherever else life takes you!
Hard work but it will be worth it.
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Originally Posted By: AJM
I wondered at the time if she was trying to get happy and didn't know how. Didn't know why she wasn't.
That is exactly the feeling. You know something is wrong. You start to think, no matter what I do, I still feel bad. Eventually, there is just no energy to fight it.
uR, thanks for sharing your perspective. I think it's very valuable in beginning to understand what others may be going thru.
I have not experienced depression myself but heard the words above almost verbatim from W when she first started IC. Her comment was something like " I have everything I have ever said that I wanted but I still can't be happy.... I must be broken and need some help getting fixed ..."
Thanks for sharing!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I do believe that depression is at the heart of a midlife crisis. The depression, along with whatever unresolved past issues, and lack of coping skills, leads to a crisis.
Good for your wife that she realized something was wrong.
Bust Friday for me, just now really able to catch up...
Regarding the depression topic, uRw is very correct, imo, especially the wanting to do the work part of conquering depression. This has, in my observation, been the tough part for W. Even in her own words, she had expected the meds to do the work for her, rather than just taking the edge off so that she could do the work. This is how she got on the maximum prescriptable dose of effexor. The "pharmapsych" just kept upping it when W would say it didn't take the depression away, and without any feedback from the family as to how W was doing. W has even said that she recognizes the depression, but is afraid of the work part involved. Maybe this is the hesitation in starting therapy, though the money issue is a fair excuse as well. But I have even asked my parents for money (putting my pride to the side) so it is available...she just needs to get to where she will do the work herself. Luckily her friends have told her that she needs therapy, which leaves me out of it, which is good right now, imo. T^2 does not need to be perceived as directing the show in any fashion. And I don't really want to to, I want her to do this, that would be best for her, imo. I just have to keep buying patience shovels...
As for me, seems I keep getting new issues and projects that trump the things that I want to do...like vehicles breaking, kid issues, etc...just laughing (usually) and rolling with it...nothing is the end of the world...my guitars will be there tomorrow, so will the mountains, nobody is going to be harmed if I don't get the fall brussel sprouts planted...lol.
One interesting thing talking with W this evening (and a "regular couple" talk it was, tone and everything), we were discussing S3 wanting a Corgi (FTR, we have half a zoo already...) and one of W's concerns was that the dog would be alone all day once school started and she had started working, and the winter, sounding as if she plans on being here then...almost as if nothing has been/is going on...verrry interesting...Snodderly is so right, they do tell accidentally, if you listen carefully...
I guess I can be good at subtle, when I am paying attention and not in some absentminded professor mode, or purposely not watching the pot boil...
Make a great weekend all! T^2
Oh, and if anyone has some experience with Corgi's, I would be ever so appreciative of any sharing...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hey T. When I realized I was in bad shape, I fought the idea of meds for a long while. I was in therapy and he suggested medication. But he wasnt the right therapist so I wasnt open to it.
When I found the right therapist, she explained that you cant just take medication. That talk therapy coupled with meds was the best plan of action for me. BTW, I had tried natural remedies to no avail.
Anyway, I still balked for a bit. And then one day, I just realized I didnt want to live that way anymore.
My therapist also explained that you have to get to a point where you want to be better at all costs and I was at that point.
It wasnt until it all came together for me and I was willing to do the work that I knew I was going to be ok.
It wouldnt have worked before that. I worked really hard. I went to therapy, I found a really good doctor and after several different tries and combinations, finally found the right meds. I meditated and read and prayed.
No matter what the meds, if she doesnt want to work to get better, she wont. And the pharmapsych didnt do their job. It is imperative to find the right doctors and therapists.
You are right, it is best for you to not be involved in forcing the issue. The key to this is she has to want it.
I can give you a discount on the shovels as they are going to be in my new business line.
And good on you for realizing that all will be well without the brussel sprouts. LOL
It's great that you had a nice talk with her, T. And she does sound like she isnt going anywhere. Keep your ears and heart open, my friend. And ayep, no watching the pot boil.
T2, I have a neighbor who has two Corgis and they are cute as can be and are on the small side for dogs. They are very intelligent and get along with children quite well. Her dogs don't appear to be "yappy", but do let you know if someone comes to the door, etc. They are known as "herding" dogs. If it's any help, Queen Elizabeth has corgis and they pretty much rule the Buckingham Palace.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
W is on Wellbutrin now, and seems to be working to take the edge off...W understands this is their purpose now...and the therapist she was looking at does do EMDR and DBT, which appears to be effective for BPD, and thus for its cousin, HPD. W gets now that part of it is her thinking, her mindset, her self-talk...she doesn't have the many tools or practice to challenge that right now. But she is trying to find them. She has found some good meditation CD's, and the "Be still and know exercise" one for PTSD that I suggested a long time ago.
But yeah, staying out of it, I finally figured out the things you said. She has to get there. I wish I knew this 7 years ago, my trying to fix and her not listening, trying, etc really frustrated me, which I let change me and how I acted towards her...but I get it now...a benefit of this journey, eh?
I'll take all the shovels I can get...lol.
But I love, absolutely love, fresh brussels off the stem, roasted with olive oil, bacon and garlic, sea salt and chipolte pepper.... best part of my thanksgiving dinner...
You rock uRw...just sayin'....
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thank you Snodderly, This is good to know. I do worry about our older dog feeling displaced. Think I could train the Corgi to keep the mlc'er and teenagers in line? You know, herd them back when they stray too far????
LOL!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T I don't think your W is going anywhere. If she starts tearing down the wallpaper and packing it up, then worry. She may have some thoughts of running in off moments, but when she is relaxed and talking from the heart, there is only one place she sees herself being.
Hey I speak a little AJ. What he is saying is that you are becoming detached enough that you could feel comfortable about walking away before W is awake enough to realize what she is losing and let's you. She'll figure it out, but it will be too late. You'll be gone. Just my two cents. Peace.
AJ let me know how I did. I've been practicing.
Love brussel sprouts roasted! Bacon?! Awesome! Okay got to try that. Still have half a pack in the fridge.
Keep going, Jedi Master. I'm following you. If I step in a pothole, you're getting the blame.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
