T, some people get subtle better than others. No matter. As you say, if it's important enough, it will show itself.
I saw your post about her taking long to make decisions, get over things, etc.
She needs to sift through so much stuff and then process it all. For someone who takes a long time to do things like that, it must be so daunting for her.
I know that it is hard for us to get our mind around what they must be going through. I've thought about how sad it must be to feel that they dont know how to be happy and to not know that it is within them.
I have said that depression is like swimming through mud. Exhausting and frustrating. Add in MLC and it must be so hard.
You are coming at this in exactly the right way, T. And you will know when you are ready to go in another direction. You will have no doubts.
Urw, that's a very succinct way to put that feeling. I too feel sorry for that in my ex. To not know peace and happiness for so long must be difficult. To feel like that to the point of frantic action must be quite a burden. It was tough to watch and still be there for so long without being able to help. My hats off to you T.
Life isn't that tough, but for some it must be tougher than I think
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You know AJ, I can't tell you how many times I have said to myself "Com'on babe, life isn't that bad or tough, you're making this harder than it needs to be". Not only through this journey, but before mlc.
But I haven't had serious depression often, and it was usually intense, but very short in duration. Not a long term deal. I can't imagine what it's like very well...I guess the closest would be the time following BD, and learning of and getting through the EA of phase 1 in 2009/10. Even then I would have enough okay or better moods to balance out the depressive periods.
That's why depression is on my reading list, to help me understand and help appropriately when asked. W does say that I am really good at it now. And when I think things like above sometimes? Ahh...The power of STFU...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, I have suffered from depression since childhood. I know why and that helps. I have gotten help for it and no longer suffer from it. But I do have to keep on top of how I am feeling.
If you want to ask me any questions about it, I will answer as well as I can.
I know that it is difficult for people who havent suffered deeply or for long periods of time to understand.
It is as if you are trying to climb up a mountain with oil running down it. After awhile, it seems futile and you give up.
You know there is something wrong, but, you just dont have the energy to address it.
As I said, if there's anyway I can help, ask away.
I wonder if this is like that, U. From an outsider's perspective, I know I watched my ex "suddenly" get frantic and depressed. It was like she had a spring in her a**. Always going as if trying to outrun something. The IC mentioned something about her new found love of running. Said it was a metaphor as well
I wondered at the time if she was trying to get happy and didn't know how. Didn't know why she wasn't. Eventually she blamed me, said she was "done", moving on, and that I cheated on her (didn't, but it plays to the mindset.) I could see her fears and doubts and still can in the things she says. She prizes happiness above all else, considers herself "a little bit selfish" and "a new person" and then doesn't. It's been a conflict from the start. But there were hints from her that in hindsight might be construed as depressive related. She hid it well, but looking back there were "things". Behavior since then seems like she is still dealing with that and with the loss of the marriage. Still searching for that elusive happiness.
I'm not a mind reader, but it seems like it. It's why I say I hate that for her. Or for anyone that doesn't deal with it in any way other than total destruction and panic. It seems to make the price even higher when you do that.
T, your W is a lucky woman no matter what she does. To have been married to somebody with your reaction to the whole thing? She's a lucky woman to have you, even still.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ, my depression manifested itself in different ways at different times in my life. I was a functioning depressive. Able to hide it from everyone til I couldnt anymore.
So, yes, there were times when I was running on all four cylinders trying to outrun the feelings.
I wondered at the time if she was trying to get happy and didn't know how. Didn't know why she wasn't.
That is exactly the feeling. You know something is wrong. You start to think, no matter what I do, I still feel bad. Eventually, there is just no energy to fight it.
I could see her fears and doubts and still can in the things she says.
I think that is depression and anxiety. ^^^^
She prizes happiness above all else, considers herself "a little bit selfish" and "a new person" and then doesn't.
And that is probably MLC ^^^.
Behavior since then seems like she is still dealing with that and with the loss of the marriage. Still searching for that elusive happiness.
I know that what she did cannot be excused with depression and MLC. I always say it doesnt give you a free pass on your actions. But, it can offer an explanation of sorts and leave room for compassion.
Depression is very debilitating. It can make you freefall. Sometimes it is hard to even lift your head up.
It takes everything you have to get through the day, hoping that the next thing is going to be the things that takes away the sadness.
But the only thing that is going to do that is hard work, therapy, and in some instances meds.
It's why I say I hate that for her. Or for anyone that doesn't deal with it in any way other than total destruction and panic. It seems to make the price even higher when you do that.
Thanks for taking the time U. That's exactly it. I do have compassion for her. I don't excuse her for her actions, but I do have compassion for what I saw and sometimes still have to see. She did briefly try meds. Seemed to help, but I suspect she got herself off of them as she doesn't believe in them. Or that she didn't need them any longer since it was my fault anyway
I'd have lost my mind and way if not for friends, family and the friends here. I have no doubt it wasn't easy on her. It wasn't for me either and I'm not in that state of mind. I'm sure it must really s*ck.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
No prob, AJ. That's too bad that she didnt continue taking meds. I didnt believe in them either. Until I had tried everything else without relief.
Not that they are the answer for everyone, but, they can help most. Along with therapy, exercise, meditation and most of all, working through it and wanting to get better.
No, it wasnt easy for you, I know.
I pray that she finds her way and gets help. No one should have to live like that.
It is so nice to read these things. My w openly admits she gets depressed. Especially during winter months. She also knows she has anxiety issues. She will blame her mother and even being isolated at home from being SAHM for 8 years. But... when she spews she discounts all of the above and blames me. Depression is very hard to deal with.. ugh
I think depression, whether mild or severe, is at the heart of most MLC. My W is mildly depressed per her admission, maybe much more. Much of her behavior can be seen as a means to deal with this depression. Excessive exercise and extreme sports is one way to escape the inner unhappiness. My W never drank much, now she drinks 3-4 nights per week. At least she usually stops after 2 drinks and doesn't get real drunk.
Some of her friends have suggested going to the Dr. or therapy and so forth, she still has not. I'm not sure that therapy would help in many of these cases.
