I should add, I set up a time to speak with wife tomorrow. I figured I should be the one to break the news. Not really sure what I am going to say.....
I think I have things somewhat settled down with my family, at least for the time being. I am still meeting with wife today to discuss some things, mostly in regards to daughter. I also feel like I should bring up wifes belongings that were left in the house. It have been over 8 months, and she still has a huge amount of stuff left behind. I wish to have a garage sale to clear some of the things out, but obviously I shouldn't sell off the things she wishes to have for herself. Would it be out of line to ask her to pick up the remainder of her things? She would need to store them somewhere because she doesn't have much room, but at this point in the game I don't think she should be storing them here. I think I need to start looking for more closure. I need to be able to move on with my life and find my own happiness, somewhere, somehow.....
I really would like some thoughts about all of my concerns. I have been spinning hard the last couple days. I just don't know what to do, what to say. DBing is not bringing W and I closer. If anything, we are still gaining distance. Wife seems to be pulling back from our daughter too, to spend more and more time with OM. It breaks my heart when daughter says she misses Mommy. I am extremely down in the dumps again. I am really grieving the loss of my family at this point. I just can't pull myself out of it this time. I just want to pull the blinds and lock the doors. So sad right now. I need some help. I need some direction....ugh!
You're focusing on things you have no control over.
Is DB making you a better man?
You and W are going to move further away (emotionally) from each other. You're getting a D.
About your W's stuff, you're going to take time in the busiest part of your season to have a garage sale? If it bothers you, box it up and put it somewhere, then tell her she can come and get it.
I went back to your first couple of posts:
Quote:
On top of that, my wife does not want to change her ways of partying and socializing. I guess in reality there is nothing wrong with that. She has been extremely loyal to me throughout our relationship and she is a fantastic mother. I just worry that she can be put into "single type" situation that would not be good for her. I also feel that she party's a little too often. Perhaps, most of the problem is just my own insecurity. I think most people would consider us the sarcastic bickering couple. We nit pick each other constantly. Really, I guess our biggest problem is just engaging each other and communicating our needs and feelings. We tend to walk on each others feelings instead of lifting them up.
Your W likes to have a good time and socialize, and now that she has someone who will do that with her, she may do it more for awhile. Your W hasn't changed and her sociability is probably one of the things the drew you to her.
And again you say, "She is a fantastic mother." I don't know what that means to you but you can be a fantastic parent and not spend every waking moment with your child. In fact, it takes some amount of adult time to remain a fantastic parent.
You also said you nit-pick each other constantly.
That is true, at least on your end. It's not productive, let it go.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You're focusing on things you have no control over.
Is DB making you a better man?
I am not sure if "DBing" is making me a better man. But yes, I am much more aware of my short comings, and I am trying to improve myself in that regard. I feel the two things are separate, but I agree they must connect. I do beleive I can become a better man without my wife. However, I am still trying to hold on to hope that my marriage will survive this. Right now, things aren't looking so good for my marriage. Actually since BD, they never have. How long do I hold on to that? How long do I let things continue to go along very awkwardly? She is literally right under my nose making a new life for herself. Shouldn't I be doing the same? It is tough, with a constant reminder that she and my daughter are right here, like they are under a glass cabinet in a store I can't shop in. I wish to reconnect, but I can't. I don't know how. We don't even talk anymore, unless it is in regards to daughter. How can that be? We were together for 12 years, shared family, shared friends, shared our inner most secrets. Now we are complete strangers?.....I know, its normal. It just hurts very deeply today for some reason.
Originally Posted By: labug
You and W are going to move further away (emotionally) from each other. You're getting a D.
This was the same thing that my family brought up. They said there has been no form or even an interest in reconciling between wife and I. Therefore, how long do we let it go with her living here, with us paying her utilities, putting a roof over her head, etc.? They said, "if she wants to be out on her own....she needs to go OUT ON HER OWN". There arguement is, she doesn't even know what it is like to be separated or indipendant. She needs a taste of reality, and I need to be able to keep my head together enough to work at my business and heal emotionally.
Originally Posted By: labug
About your W's stuff, you're going to take time in the busiest part of your season to have a garage sale? If it bothers you, box it up and put it somewhere, then tell her she can come and get it.
The thing is, summer is about the only real time we can have garage sales around here. Also, wifes stuff isn't something I can just box up and set aside. There are literally ROOMS FULL of stuff that need to be separated.
Originally Posted By: labug
I went back to your first couple of posts:
Quote:
On top of that, my wife does not want to change her ways of partying and socializing. I guess in reality there is nothing wrong with that. She has been extremely loyal to me throughout our relationship and she is a fantastic mother. I just worry that she can be put into "single type" situation that would not be good for her. I also feel that she party's a little too often. Perhaps, most of the problem is just my own insecurity. I think most people would consider us the sarcastic bickering couple. We nit pick each other constantly. Really, I guess our biggest problem is just engaging each other and communicating our needs and feelings. We tend to walk on each others feelings instead of lifting them up.
Your W likes to have a good time and socialize, and now that she has someone who will do that with her, she may do it more for awhile. Your W hasn't changed and her sociability is probably one of the things the drew you to her.
And again you say, "She is a fantastic mother." I don't know what that means to you but you can be a fantastic parent and not spend every waking moment with your child. In fact, it takes some amount of adult time to remain a fantastic parent.
You also said you nit-pick each other constantly.
That is true, at least on your end. It's not productive, let it go.
I guess you are right, La. The truth hurts, and I am just hurting. At least I am not turning that hurt into anger. That's a good sign. But, I do need to come into focus that she is probably gone forever. I just can't. I can't let go of it. I haven't been this sad since BD. I find myself crying about every hour or so, for no real reason. I never in a million years would have thought my emotions would dip back down to where they were in the beginning. I cannot believe that someone (wife) would be able to hurt me so deep emotionally. I want to tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her, how much I miss her...but I can't. DBing says I must "act as if". That is pretty hard right now. My whole life seems pretty hard right now.
SP, sorry to hear you're struggling! It's a cycle you've been through and may go through again, but you WILL emerge stronger!
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I was dealt a hard blow this afternoon, that I wasn't expecting. My family had, for lack of a better word, an "intervention" with me today.
All I can say to this is they have some big darned cajones to pull a stunt like this when you're still hurting. Here's a novel idea, how about your family comes together to support you instead of telling you that YOU need to serve THEIR interests? Unbelievable. I would try to politely tell them that your decision is "X" (whatever that may be) and that you hope that everything they do moving forward is in support of your decision.
Quote:
I also feel like I should bring up wifes belongings that were left in the house. It have been over 8 months, and she still has a huge amount of stuff left behind. I wish to have a garage sale to clear some of the things out, but obviously I shouldn't sell off the things she wishes to have for herself. Would it be out of line to ask her to pick up the remainder of her things?
Not out of line at all. I did something similar with my W, asked her to set a date to get the rest of her cra... err, I mean "stuff" out. I moved a lot of it into the garage beforehand.
Quote:
DBing is not bringing W and I closer. If anything, we are still gaining distance.
There is nothing that will bring a WAS closer to the LBS except the WAS. If you read the sitches here that have turned around, it was pretty much always due to a "revelation" that the WAS had after long months or years of being a cold, detached, unloving jerk. DB'ing is as much for you as for her. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. She may still leave, but if she does then she's a fool, and do you want to be married to a fool anyway?
I did approach my family in a calm polite manner and asked for support and understanding. They didn't see things my way and it ended up getting ugly and emotional. That is probably a big source of my unhappiness today. My Mom is now on board to support me, and she will fend of my sibs for the time being.....it's sad, but that is the way my family works. They are not warm fuzzy people in regards to emotional support. They are more inclind to, "rip the band aid off" so the healing can begin, type of mindset.
I know what you are saying about the WAS not coming back unless the WAS has a revelation. I guess that is why the majority of these situations never turn around. The WAS just puts it beind them and slowly the relationship gets replaced and forgotten about.....sad
Going to speak with wife in 30 min. Actually a little terrified. I want to focus on speaking only about daughter, but I keep running these temp. check scenarios through my head. WHAT am I thinking?.....ugh....I just want the hurt to stop. I need to let go of her. I need to find my own happiness without wife. What is wrong with me....
Are you going to speak to her on the phone or in person? If on the phone, maybe write down two lists. One of things you want to or are okay with talking about, and the other is of things you know you should avoid.
If it's in person just write them down now anyway to help store them to your memory banks for 26 minutes from now.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Going to speak with wife in 30 min. Actually a little terrified. I want to focus on speaking only about daughter, but I keep running these temp. check scenarios through my head. WHAT am I thinking?.....ugh....I just want the hurt to stop. I need to let go of her. I need to find my own happiness without wife. What is wrong with me....
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with you. It is a natural reaction to a sitch like this. You love her, she is the mother of your daughter, it is only right to want to reconcile. Unfortunately, the situation is what is. The trick is, don't let her see you sweat. Remember what you've learned from DB/DR. Remember Sandi2's rules. You *know* in your head what you want to do will not work. Take charge of yourself and act in accordance with the principles of DB.
out. I moved a lot of it into the garage beforehand.