T - I am impressed you and W are able to paint your kitchen together with everything going on in your R! In our best times, my W and I would have had major friction getting through that project together (we have difference paces for DIY jobs) and now, no way. Awesome! I continue to be amazed by your patience and as RH said, your PMA is off the charts.
Thanks for inspiring me!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Linda, believe nothing they say...:) That "in love" feeling is easy to mistake for love. It's "in infatuation." He's searching for something that isn't there. You don't find love and a soul mate when you feel like trash. You find trash.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Happy to hear your oldest made it back safe and sound!
Glad you got those peach trees under control, I know the branches can become quite heavy. The thing I hate is peach tree = peaches falling on ground = bees everywhere. Love peach cobbler and pie though!
I think it's great you and W did a project together. Anything that builds rapport is a step in the right direction, even if it is a "chore". Maybe too, these types of things may be low pressure for her because the focus is on the job and not how you two are interacting?
Hey, I can always give your wife some pointers on applying lotion - I've had plenty of practice lol!
Sounds like you're doing well. Is your trip to your parents coming up soon?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Snodderly- Thank you, your advice and perspectives have been so helpful through this, I can't thank you enough...
rH- I don't know, I still think the last D talk, BD, was her frustration with herself and being "stuck", lost...maybe a run back into the tunnel like we have read, but I could be wrong. I don't know if my PMA is a result of getting to a higher level of detachment/acceptance, or that I finally internalized that happiness comes from within and just being happy living life, or if my intuition is picking up something good, or if I am just crazy, or a combo of all of the above...lol ...
The team work was so nice, yet W wasn't quite like she used to be, she seems rather quiet and introspective lately.
Raine- I am hoping she is figuring this out, and remembering we had something akin to this:
Quote:
"It's easy to find the surface level relationship, the infatuation, the physical. It's rare to find that soul to soul connection. They could leave and never find it again. Maybe that's what keeps them anchored, even if just slightly. Cause even in their fantasy world, there is that one thing "
Linda- S1 will be deployed again to different fires throughout the season, so I try to maximize enjoyment of him while he is here, because I know he will go again, a lesson for life there for me... (and it's hard to compete for time with his Aussie GF! She is MUCH hotter than me...)
CB- To be fair, I was really different this time in MY approach to the project, I was phrasing things like this: "I think we should start there, work our way here, etc. W, what do you think?" and listening to her thoughts and usually going with them because they were good, or the end result didn't depend on HOW we got there...I try really hard to remember W's validation issues growing up, her "inferiority" issues, self-esteem, etc... I still kick myself occasionally that I forgot these things over the years of the M...so intentional effort on my part to make her and equal partner in the project, and validate/understand her ideas and such. Turned off my engineer ego...
TVS- Thanks for stopping by! Yes, I thought of you and your sitch when I posted about my itchy back..lol. I think you are exactly right: "Maybe too, these types of things may be low pressure for her because the focus is on the job and not how you two are interacting? ". We are going soon on our trip, the 2 younger boys and I (S1 is on 1 hour notice for fire, so can't go as it's 6 hours away). W is still not going, and that is okay...she needs the break, to have time alone (for better or worse), few responsibilities, some time to process in peace ... and the boys and I need the break from her I think (well, I KNOW for me its true). It'll be a blast for the boys and I!
Let's see, W invited me to join her and the 2 younger ones to play Monopoly last night..this is new..and was done very nicely...trying to get back in the "family mode" groove? Maybe? Time will tell...
She does seem rather introspective right now, that sort of quietness versus a depressive withdrawal. She is starting to make a serious effort in the household area again, and...her clothes are touching mine on the drying rack and in the folded piles now! Lol, this is new, one of those little "things" we pick up with our mlc-ers behavior changes. No big deal, just an observation to have fun with here, no way I could have fun with it right now with W (though I thought it).
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
And some info for my own use, and anyone else (PON?)...I was thinking about what Snodderly said a couple/few weeks ago about W picking up on my anxiety and me temp checking W...so of course I had to run that down
From the psychologist who wrote the book on affairs that saved me and my sanity back in phase 1 in 2010...just something to chew on for myself.
Quote:
Here are some characteristics of a Non-Anxious person: 1. A Non-Anxious person conveys an aura of calmness, surety and confidence in both voice and body language. 2. A Non-Anxious person does not defend, explain, attack, blame, withdraw or react. A Non-Anxious person stands firm and is an emotional rock. 3. A Non-Anxious person has a huge capacity for empathy but little for sympathy. 3. A Non-Anxious person has no need for adrenaline or drama but is fueled by concern and the truth. 4. A Non-Anxious person can point out something huge, without it being a big deal. A Non-Anxious person speaks and it is heard – powerfully. 5. A Non-Anxious person can convey passion without and undercurrent of persuasion or neediness. 6. A Non-Anxious person is in control of self and has no need to control another. 7. A Non-Anxious person is admired and respected by most others, even though the other may see the world differently. 8. A Non-Anxious person states his/her position clearly and firmly. 9. A Non-Anxious person does not blink. 10. A Non-Anxious person refuses to play mind-games. 11. A Non-Anxious person conveys: what you see is what you get.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Speaking of those "those little "things" we pick up"...
Last night playing Monopoly, whenever I would give W rent money on her properties, there was no touching, but when she gave me money, her fingers seemed to always touch mine...just an observation to note in my journal. Fun if not taken too seriously...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Last night playing Monopoly, whenever I would give W rent money on her properties, there was no touching, but when she gave me money, her fingers seemed to always touch mine...just an observation to note in my journal. Fun if not taken too seriously...
My W and I used to sometimes play Monopoly together. The real fun started once someone started to run out of money, and we'd make up "special payment plans". Oh my!
I think I just passed go and collected $200!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
T^2, just wanted to share how calming your post is. Thank you. Thank you for just being who you are and sharing your help along this journey.
I like the Monopoly game family pic. Sweet to notice her hands touching yours.
And FY hilarious about the special payment plans. You're a riot! How can your W not want you back? It's b/c: (altogether now) [i
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Oh no...the dreaded submit button was hit. Auugh!!!
S'posed to say: we didn't break them so we can't fix 'em
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
