Positive but cautious is good! Aloof but a available even better!
You are doing a great job laying back and letting W come to you when she feels comfortable.(and we both know they can't fake comfortable) As she becomes more comfortable, I think she will open up more and more, and you will see that "old" wife.
Maybe your kitty is letting down her guard, just a wee bit?
Keep up the fantastic job T, and enjoy your gardening today! Any backpacking plans in the near future?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
T ~ I wouldn't have much to say on paper. I don't see any patterns or anything worthy of more than I put here. I would journal if I understood somethng. Please post an example of an entry that worked for you. Im not against it, but I might analyse it WAY too much. This forum keeps me organized.
Hi WFM, nice to meet you! My journal is mostly just a copy and paste of stuff I've written on this forum. Actually vice versa, I write out my pain and happiness in my journal first, then copy some of it here when I need the good folks to help me! I keep it in the notes section on my phone, and can read thru it when ever I want that way.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
"And to end this post, W made an appt with IC...I hope the C is pro-marriage and W is mostly honest, and not just looking for what she wants to hear...time will tell. Not in my hands."
"Okay, that didn't sound right.... W took an action step, and told me rather pointedly. Implying she sees that she needs help working some things through...I am grateful. I am not going to judge this by past metrics. Beginner's mind. It is a new turn. There, that's better for who I want to be."
"So, I have this positive, but cautious, feeling in my gut...I could be wrong, and if so, that's okay too. Continuing to sit quietly, doing "me" the best I can, teamwork, etc. Aloof, yet available."
I love the way you word your thoughts, T^2. Aloof yet available indeed, that will be my goal this weekend, thanks
I knew exactly what you meant by hoping the C will be pro-marriage, and that your W will be honest. I started seeing a C in March, before switching to my DB coach. This C told me that she "does not believe in MLC" and just sees it as an excuse for bad behavior, and advised me to throw the bum out. I spent our first session educating her! She did some research and at our next sesssion, said she could not believe she was saying this, but she thought I was right, and should try to stand the best I can.
If your W saw someone like her, even if your W was completely honest with the C, the C would be advising that if W is not happy, she should divorce. A bandaid for pain, rather than an attempt to actually fix yourself and the R.
Carry on being aloof and available, my friend. And I bet a dozen of us on this forum will be striving to be like you today also. Thanks as always, for your help!!!
This C told me that she "does not believe in MLC" and just sees it as an excuse for bad behavior, and advised me to throw the bum out. I spent our first session educating her! She did some research and at our next sesssion, said she could not believe she was saying this, but she thought I was right, and should try to stand the best I can.
Another fine example of, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." So glad you were able to enlighten your C, Linda.
A good weekend, low-key, just chillaxing, puttering about the yard, garden, fixing/overhauling bikes...but good nonetheless. So nice to have time with just my sons and I.
When W came home from work, she noticed my haircut immediately and said she liked it and that it looked good, AND, didn't give any grief over spending money... yay! First time in a LONG time she has offered an enthusiastic compliment.
I wasn't into self-administered a clipper buzz cut this time, and W still isn't "up to" cutting my hair like she used to yet.
She also spent quite a bit of time telling me all about her day, which I am enjoying a lot...it's nice, and allows me opportunity to show T^2 v.2 and be her biggest fan!
She worked pretty much full time last week, and she said it may be a bit much for her, and also the kids right now....
Oh, and when she forgot her lunch I took it up to her at work, and I actually got in a compliment delivered somewhere between how you'd say it for your co-worker or sibling, and how you would for your lover...I got a nice reaction...
She told me about her IC plans, and has been going through her clothes and such, donating a ton (and she sort of made sure I saw the receipt I think)...I did see some things that I am GLAD are gone (a lot of replay clothes, shoes, etc), but then some things that I liked...but she's always been her own woman there, and of course I said nothing either way... Of course I want to analyze it, figure out the secret "woman" symbol/meaning of it, since I am a simple kind of guy with regards to wardrobe, it's like a foreign language to me.
In all, that chaotic "mlc-energy" that has been permeating the house for the last 2+ years feels diminished right now. I am liking the "look" on her face, more consistently not her "mlc faces"...more the "real" her, yet some changes.
Looks like I used up my quota of smiley faces... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
So no more talk of D? She was just afraid and thinking about it maybe?
I like the attitude in these last few posts of yours -- a settling down feeling without missing out on the important things of life (time with the boys, time to do special things for your W, holding the fort down, enjoying the gardening, appreciating who you are and letting her be who she is).
Keep up the good work!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
D has been touched on twice, though very "neutrally"...""if" we D, then"...sort of thing...but to be honest, I "think" she wants to figure out how to work it out. Things she has said her friends told her (that she needs a therapist, that they can't spend too much time with her because they need calm, positive in their lives, etc), her older friend who's been married to the same man for 30+ years and is a teacher and deals with kids of divorce, maybe her family some, working full time the last week or so (volunteering) and seeing what that is like... has her re-thinking things...plus the effects on the kids would be a major concern for her...but I just really don't know...just speculating from the bits she has shared and a dose of mind-reading...lol.
She did ask for some of the emails she sent me in the past before phase2 where she told me she loved me, and such, so I sent her a few "G-rated" ones . Haven't heard anything, if she has read them or not...idk.
And she wants to see my lists of things we have in common, "complimentary differences" and differences that haven't worked that I did for myself from some MC material I have (I like to do my own self-checks to keep me in line with myself).
I wonder if my attitude is due to getting to a stronger acceptance/detachment state, and being done with self-created stress, drama, whatever...I just am going to be happy, trying to be the best I can, live the best I can, and self-creating life as an adventure, either reconciling and it's journey/adventure, or D, moving on and it's journey/adventure. Maybe touching on unconditional love, as I am really willing to let her go lovingly, if that is truly what she wants/needs...idk, rH, but I am not complaining...I rather like me and where I am atm... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
