A Feral Cat, Puzzling 2

[RosaLinda]

T^2, do you ever feel as if YOU are the one going nuts? My emotions are so up and down. Happy and singing one minute, crying the next.

My H told me he feels as if he is in a "state of flux." I think I validated okay for a change. Then he and S27 just went to Lowes to buy some more fencing, and he asked me to meet him down there to look at tile, because he wants to rip out the living room, dining room and kitchen floors and replace them with tile. New fences, new floors, all the stuff I've been asking him to do for years. But I don't want to fix up our house if we are just going to wind up divorced. I especially don't want to fix up our house so he can live in it with Russian Tramp. But I guess it's not such a good idea to ask. Since I might not like his answer

[TSquared2]

Hi Linda,

Those fluctuations have pretty much settled down for me, but they DO still crop up. As in today, I had this bout of resentment just pop up out of no where seemingly. Could not figure out why...

-W thought of me and got me bike shorts
-W talked to me a bit last night about her work.
-W told me of the IC and possible MC she is thinking of seeing...

So where did it come from, those all seem positive, right?

Well, a sitch at work with a customer who tends to take advantage of the business relationship triggered my paranoia of being used, plus W didn't acknowledge me this morning when I left for work (now, she was busy with the boys, so understandable but she "could have" looked up or said "bye", but I let that bug me that she didn't today for some reason...)...my internal fear is, that W is going to IC and being nice, sll to keep using my resources until she is ready to bolt, and that the IC is so she will be "fixed" for OMs, current or future.

Now is that fear valid? Maybe, maybe not.

maybe I have developed a distrust through this, understandably maybe. The "old" W wouldn't do such a thing, the mlc W might.

But whose issue is this then? W's, or mine? Mine.

As KD has pointed out, we do have a choice in how we interpret things...

I could look at this as W "using me", feeding my fears...
or,
As providing a safe, compassionate place and resources to help her find her way through this, regardless of the outcome.

I know what kind of person I want to be, and am trying to become, so I know how I want to look at it...but the old trust and ego demons are still there...tempting me to look at it the other way...

So I have been reviewing some posts and such, looking at the stages to help remind me, and keep me on track.

Now during stage TWO of Acceptance, will come the temptations to want to go back to what they came out of. The silence of the spouse is most important during this time-all you can do is be understanding and patient with them as this MUST happen and they MUST come through alone.
They will SEEM to be going backward, but aren't, this is necessary for them to move forward.
It is during this time they will "revisit" ALL stages of the Mid Life Crisis except Denial and shuts the "doors" to each stage PERMANENTLY one by one, never to return.
If they give in to temptation OR get spooked by their final fears, they WILL run BACK into the tunnel a little ways. But they can only run back as far as the doors have NOT been closed permanently; most of the time they just run back as far as WITHDRAWAL, but will continue the process to come out once they feel "safe" to continue. So, they must be allowed to come through WITHOUT interruption, no matter what happens.

Stage THREE involves the "archway" I spoke of in the Stage of Withdrawal-all this time the Mid Lifer has been coming across this open field toward this Archway, where his "final fears" are located and he finally begins to face these fears in full-he may come out of the tunnel and face them BEFORE he/she shuts the door to Depression/Withdrawal or afterwards. But he will have to face them, nevertheless, before he exits to begin his complete healing process.

It takes awhile for the Mid Lifer to get settled down, even after he/she comes out of stage three of the Acceptance stage-they will experience a final "rebelling" before they settle down for good.

It is much like a teen-ager who has passed into manhood/womanhood-there are still final changes that must be made, especially for the one who has done so much damage during the crisis itself.

I guess I just journaled myself...lol. Anyway, hope that answers you somewhat Linda...
T^2

[RosaLinda]

Thanks for your honesty about the resentment you sometimes feel, T, and your fear that your W is just going to keep using you, letting you support her, while she gets into better emotional shape until she feels ready to bolt. I have sort of the same fear sometimes, that my H just wants to live here together in the house, with me supporting him, until he feels well enough (from eating his oatmeal I guess since he stopped his antibiotics) to get a job, and THEN he will leave and get a place for RT and himself.

And strangely, I feel resentment that I have CHOSEN to validate and support him even at his nastiest and craziest, and have CHOSEN, like you, to provide him with the same safe place you strive to give to your W -- "a safe, compassionate place and resources to help her find her way through this, regardless of the outcome." That is a terrific statement, and is exactly what I am trying to do for him. But I still feel sullen, angry and resentful sometimes. And wish I could be the beloved one for a change. Childish, but true

Thanks for copying that quotation about acceptance. Do you think that is where your W is now? It sounds as if she might be, or maybe still a bit withdrawn. Even if she isn't in acceptance yet, you are doing fabulously to prepare to give her that supportive silence she'll need. You are truly a wonderful role model, thank you.

It seemed to me that my H had gone into the stage of acceptance during his 5 month period of sanity, prior to this latest A. Maybe he was, and something I did or said spooked him back into the tunnel, as far back as replay. Maybe he never completely left replay. But thanks for sharing that.

[TSquared2]

Maybe he just got tempted to the distraction and such of an A... and it was nothing you did/said...but I get the self-questioning, I do it as well.

[TSquared2]

I guess for me I think it's important to acknowledge and process these feelings as they arise. The more I do it the less impact they have on me.

We don't or can't know usually, what is in their minds (even with all the snooping in the world, what they say may not really be reality), until they tell us, and show us by actions. We definitely can't control what they are thinking. But we can with our own thoughts.

For me, usually when she goes within and stops communicating, even answering my emails, is when they seem to creep out more. My imagination is too good for my own good sometimes... But when she does this, and if I can maintain myself, is when significant changes (for better or worse) tend to occur. For all I know W is not emailing me because she is trying to break her online habit/addiction, and that plan minimizes that behavior, idk...just don't know until she says something or does something.

Sorry for the self-rambling...

T^2

[makingmagic]

very interesting T^2... Inspite of a good day (the other day) this is happening TODAY for me, today h has not been very pleasant & has not even called/texted for business (as usual), so... I am trying NOT to mindread & accept he is having a "crazy" day and needs to resort back to his "hole". What happens in there is beyond me... so I am trying to stay out of his way (no comm. back), although he will be expecting a daily report from me.. soon. OH! speak of the devil (he finally just texted me!!). Guess the rule is to answer him later.

[TSquared2]

My rule for answering was/is: if about kids, the house, work, etc...then answer quickly as reasonable rather than purposely delaying...if NOT about work, kids, etc...then delay is acceptable.

WFM, do you keep a journal, with dates, where you document what you are trying, what H reaction is(might have been), what you feelings were, etc? That is a great way of keeping track of things, their effects and how long you have done this or that. It helps you to see patterns so you can see what is working, not working, what may be better, etc. And gives you reminders to yourself what you are doing...I highly suggest it.


T^2

[~ kd ~]

And strangely, I feel resentment that I have CHOSEN to validate and support him even at his nastiest and craziest, and have CHOSEN, like you, to provide him with the same safe place you strive to give to your W

I don't think it's strange to feel resentment. I think it's human. But as those famous guys often say, "Do unto ALL others, as you would have done onto you."

I think the LBS gets so caught up in their WAS/MLCer's conduct, they forget that it is good practice to be nice, encouraging, validating, being a safe place, for anyone. Regardless. And that includes the WAS/MLCer.

Choosing to be the way we are choosing to be specifically FOR the WAS/MLCer or excluding the WAS/MLCer... is time to question what we are doing and why.

[makingmagic]

Tx T.... delaying is done purposely sometimes even for business as he needs to realize I am not his personal secretary and I am not sitting by the phone waiting for HIM to call. I am an equal partner. This is also the only real area I can do this as he NEVER gets personal with me anymore. Calls/texts stop before 6pm until 9am.

As for journalling, it is all done on this forum.

Any other suggestions? I am ALL EARS!

[TSquared2]

WFM--I HIGHLY suggest putting this journal on paper, where it is easier to look back and discern patterns, like you would a business marketing campaign or something. For me, at least, going back through my posts is helpful, but I find it easier to refer back to my paper journal to see patterns and such. Also easier, imo, to write down new conclusions from your entries, etc. I even print out my threads as I make new ones to augment my paper journal with all the great posts from everyone. But maybe I'm just old school, too much an engineer and analyst, idk.