When I saw my L in Feb 2012, it was for if she left or filed, what my rights were, etc...(my L did say to try to wait W out as long as possible in hopes she would move through this)...well this time it is for me initiating, so a bit different context maybe...?
And you are right:
Quote:
As far as giving her the divorce, that is what she asked for. It could continue as it is for many more months. I think as some point, you have to do something different.
As you said, she can stop it at any point and you told her the door is always open for R.
I think your actions are fair and honest, and that you are hearing her, giving her what she wants, and lovingly letting her go.
I can still keep the high road in my actions no matter what...
Thank you again for keeping me honest with myself...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
This is tough stuff, T^2. My heart and thoughts are with you today.
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
It's hard, I know. So many times I wish I knew for sure what to say or do. Maybe a MLC blueprint perhaps? Like if they do this, we do that. I guess we do have that in general with DB, but it's the specifics of each situation that make things tough.
And of course there are no guarantees.
I think our minds can spin out of control with all the various scenarios, and trying to determine just what is best for our family. To me, it is a huge weight that we bear - but still less crushing than everything that is weighing our spouses down.
You have been kind, compassionate, patient, and understanding - I believe not because it is a "technique", but because that's who you are.
And that can never be wrong.
Thinking of you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Yep, it's not an easy road to walk. That's how life is. We have to fight and scratch for every bit of it. We also have to figure out what the purpose of forgiveness is. It's times like these in our lives we can see the contrast and more readily accept why such things are important to all of us on this spinning rock. People are people and at the end of it, relationships with people are all we really leave behind of any value.
How you go forward is important. It's important to how you are going to live your life and the kind of person you are. You are being true to yourself T. You are trying, and have been trying very hard for a long time. You've learned, you've changed, you've grown up. Regardless of your W's choices, that doesn't stop for you until you're done with this life. Your W, your kids, and especially you will look back on this time and have to reconcile your actions and choices. I believe you'll be pleased with what you see, and so will your kids and even your W even if she chooses to be around or not. I think anyone will be able to see you have values and you live them. They will be able to see that you are a man who acts on his values and sticks to them even when many thinks he shouldn't (I'm sure you've heard dissenting opinions from friends/family.) I value that and I think everyone does, even if they don't say it.
As TVS said, you have been kind, compassionate, patient, understanding... You still are.
Be patient, be consistent, and be you. You won't regret those things about you. Keep to your goals and be you.
Now get outside and enjoy the weekend. It won't be here forever
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I caught up on your thread. Was hopeful and actually got some anxiety for you..... Silly Me!
I am still in the house with my X. I think about you and your situation often. My feeding of my actual cat, who is almost feral now, is so weird. This cat used to sleep plastered to me every night. Then I got a dog who pushed her away. I miss that cat. But my little dog sleeps in her spot now.
And I continue to feed the cat. And evidently a bunch of messy birds, too. So I guess my continuation of the analogy is my good intentions of feeding my cat have gained me a bunch of messy pigeons. I guess we can do the right thing and get the wrong results.
Take Care Of Yourself!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Hi TSquared. I wanted to thank you for your advice to me about the big, primary psychological needs of men in general, to help my H who has been feeling less than manly lately. You gave me a very useful glimpse into the male psyche, and I do thank you.
I just finished reading all of your threads, and feel so badly for you. You have become so strong and so good at this DBing, and have been standing for so long, and things seemed so hopeful. I was just telling Snodderly how much I look up to you; you are truly the H whose W would be crazy to leave.
But don't give up hope T^, even if you do feel as if you need to take some steps towards initiating a D, it can be called off as easily as it can be started. I am hopeful that this will be a wake up call for your W. Best of luck to you, and again, thanks for your help.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
