A Feral Cat, Puzzling

[reachingHigher]

OMG, T^2, that was your actual anniversary?

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the ache in your heart.

Thank you for taking the time to update us all. I was so wondering how it went.

How can she bear to give you up? You're such a treasure!
*shaking head sadly*

[uRworthy]

There were some positive things said by her.

And there is always hope.

A few things can happen when the WAS feels the LBS is done.

One is that they realize they arent done, another is that they realize they are.

And sometimes, when they arent 100% sure, they pull back in towards the spouse. The reality is setting in and they are feeling unsettled and scared.

I know that you feel you are detached. Just want to make sure you arent reading too much into some of the things she said.

Just trying to have your back.

T, you are a class act.

[AJM]

T, I have to say that's an interesting twist on how things were. I suspect that what you said was and is true - the cage door is open for you both. But it also sounds like she is coming to terms with herself. That's a plus no matter what happens. Many of us have seen them fly apart, and I for one would like nothing better than to know there is another side for them. That they don't have to live their life like what we saw at those moments. I would also like for your marriage to stay intact.

I am glad she wanted to talk to you and that your 20th anniversary appears to have meant something to her. Enough to want to talk and ask for more time it seems. Won't be easy for either of you, but I'm sure it's worth it. I'm also sure at this point, that you'll be that person that everyone wishes they married (except me - you're not my type; I like my SO to look good in a dress

Proud of ya. You've come a long way and are very much a class act.

Best of luck,
AJ

[CharlieBrown]

T - Wow, not what you once imagined on your 20th anniversary I bet, incredible. But, what is the saying about looking into the abyss is what keeps you out of it? It sounds like the fact that you have opened the cage door and she knows that the events she has set in motion might actually happen, by your hand not hers, has jolted her to attention.

You are a great guy and clearly have learned a lot from this experience. I hope that this brings her back to you and that great things come from the MC. I know, I know, no expectations, and if you end up D, I hope those lessons stick with you.

I know in my case, I am a guy that can revert to my old ways once the pressure is off and these need to be lessons that really change me, not just temporarily. It sounds to me like these are not going to be temporary for you, just a hunch.

Hopefully there will be a 21 and it will make up for 19 and 20...

CB

[ForeverYoung]

It sounds like you're both doing as well as can be not expected right now. <see how that works?

She's moving towards you T. You want to keep the momentum moving in this direction. Continue to be the H that none of us would never leave, but leave the ball in her court. Absolutely no pursuing or pressure from you. She has to make that choice to love.

For this to work you want to eventually (as in semi-soon) see her chasing you. Don't settle for more limbo now. That's my 2 cents worth.

[TSquared2]

hi all, and thank you!

rH, I didn't have any expectations, heck, last year nothing was done, so the fact that she DID DO SOMEthing was an improvement. And appreciated. One thing about her movie choice, the epic fantasy vs, the "feel good" real life movie, when I asked her why she chose the movie she did, she said something like "I don't want real life right now, I'm into fantasy..." The things the let slip sometimes...

UR, yes, I have hope, but I am VERY WARY of what she says and does, back to "believe none...". I let myself get "hoover'd" back in too many times the past few years, so watching for HPD/BPD traits...

AJ, I'll have you know I look DAMN fine in my kilts (got the legs for it...)

TVS, I wonder if it was real or just "trying it on"...I suppose I should be thankful that she was actually looking into it to see, checking some of the realities, rather than just doing it without checking...But then fantasy was in there too...but idk...lol.

Snoddrly's post gave me thought, and yes, there was anger when I discovered what I did...but this has been floating around my brain a while now since last BD. W has been, even in her own words, a "last minute, don't decide or do anything until I absolutely have too or am forced to" kind of person. I just feel like it is a very strong possibility that she was/is/ avoiding having to decide, and can run with the status quo forever. And that she is having real problems with withdrawal from the online/RL OM replay activity. It was pretty clear in what I discovered. I guess I just feel like she would never decide until "forced to". So I have relieved her of the stress somewhat of having to be the one to file (sort of).

The things I wrote down that I wouldn't miss if she left are playing within her, and the day she worked and it was just me and the boys was so peaceful, fun, I guess I got a small taste that it wouldn't be the end of the world...

Another thing is that the boys have been having issues with the state of things, and it has been increasing the longer this goes on and W feels bad, but has trouble moving to DO something...this has been hard on them, and I don't want it to go on forever, they deserve to begin to heal, one way or another. And so do I.

Now, could she pull out the stops and "try" to work on the R in order to delay until she figures out how to leave, or get a new OM to have in the wings, or whatever? Sure...

So, the plan is to talk with my L, discover all the ins and outs (one thing I did learn is that if I HAVE to use infidelity and abandonment ("marital relations", or lack thereof for a year or more does count in my state) I have to act within a year of last occurrence. I don't want to, and I know she doesn't want to have that either.

I am being completely upfront with her that I will "work on" the R if she does, if not then I am moving forward, though I still believe and feel in my gut that a new/rebuilt/whatever R is possible and likely to succeed. It is up to her to make the beginning moves, either way. I am going to have a happy, content life, regardless. Hoping for a result like in rH's sitch? You betcha. If not, that's okay too. I have done my best, though the only "what if" laying around is "what if" I waited 6 more months before doing this, and she came back or left all on her own, wouldn't that have been better?

Either way, I am looking forward to an adventure, whether by building a new R, or building a new single life.

But don't do what I did...lol.

Quick update on W's actions, just so you all can keep me checked into the reality hotel...

-Caught W staring at me while I was planting, she was supposed to be asleep...
-She wants IC with a counsellor who is versed in menopause and hormone issues, and MC, now.
-She was engaging me, eye contact, etc. last night. Offered to cut my hair, likes my new beard style.
-Seemed rather pensive, thoughtful, processing.

Myself, I was and am just me, being the best I can, though dimmer regarding W. I do feel some weight lifted off of me.

Thanks for reading...

T^2

[job]

I think you are a very wise man to see a lawyer and find out the ins and outs of what you need to do and how it will affect you, your wife and your children. One thing for sure, her life as she knows it now will definitely change. It will not be as easy as she has it now and her current position will need to be stepped up and she will need to find a job that pays a good salary in order to live out in the cold, cruel world as we all know it to be. It's not going to be pretty.

You've given her plenty to think about and now the ball is in her court, i.e., whether to work on the relationship or hit the road.

Do what is right for you and your children. They've been living in limbo, just as you have, for a long time. They need to know where their parents are heading, i.e., reconciling or separating. You've given it your all and in the days ahead, I truly believe the answers will present themselves to you. Please be patient just a little bit longer.

[TSquared2]

Thank you Snodderly.

Funny thing about "change" with her, her new work has already changed, and with all the changes in her life (aging, emptying nes, etc)...she told me this past weekend how she really doesn't like change...I could mind read and analyze that all day, lol!

And I am not in any real hurry, I really still do want a reconciliation, a new R with W. That is still, imo, the best for everyone..but that is just my opinion, W is free to disagree

Maybe I will be even better at DB'ing now, without the overhang of indecision/waiting weighing so much on me...

My gut is still saying we ain't done...but it could be what I ate... lol..


T^2

[TSquared2]

The other thing is that I HAVE to follow through with at least seeing my L (in addition to being just good policy), otherwise my decision/word means nothing.

[Raine]

For sure on that one T. I think it would be really good for you to, to not have anything to wonder about on that front. I'm planning on doing the same thing once school is out.

So on top of it all you have kilts, and you actually look good in it to. You are for certain a man any woman would be crazy to leave!