T^2, we could all sit here and post that you are strong and a great DBer and to sit tight and wait through this... at the end of the day, only you know how much of this you can take.
Would it be worth it to continue to wait and save the M? Of course it would.
Is this the life you want to continue to lead? Only you know as you also know that the future will bring what it brings, no matter what you do, right now. Only that it will bring a good future if you work towards that... regardless of whether your W is in it, or not.
Our sitches are different enough, but one thing was certainly the same. My W did not want to "live" M, yet she was OK if I stayed at the home. That "nothing would change" except we would have independent lives...
Unlike you, I chose to move out and work on myself from a distance. The results... ? If you proceed, the our results are at this time... the same...
I don't know what my future brings, although I am 99% certain that D is in my future, and that's OK, for me and my kids.
Do what you need to do. It svcks, but just remember... after 3 years for me, I'm still M on paper...
Find your path, my friend... and move yourself forward.
T^2. So sorry to read this mate. Wish I had something to say that would help, but I really have no idea other than, do what you think is best and look after yourself.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I was sad when I read your post. It's all so very sad.
I sure as hell am not some great well of advice, but I can at least say I feel for you, I really do.
I often ponder if my H is secretly making his escape plan - what would he say to me, what would I do?
I think what hurts is all the deception. If she feels strongly about leaving, then there is the door, you haven't tried to stop her. It is such an act of cowardice to do it behind your back.
Here's the thing... If your W wants to leave, then she is going to have to put on her big girl panties and deal with the consequences. There is a fine line between leaving the road home paved smooth and sheltering our MLCer from their own actions.
I think the time for sheltering is over.
We are here for you, ready to listen and to support you no matter what. Thinking of you ~ TVS
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
T, I am so very sorry. No 2 x 4's here. You have gone above and beyond. It is always our choice, too. And no one would blame you if you've had enough.
I don't want to do this anymore, the lies, the secrets, the indecision, the fantasy. The being used.
I know it is so very hurtful.
I feel so bad for the kids, if this goes through, especially the youngest. Ugh.
They are the innocent victims in all this. It will be hard, I am not going to lie but they will get through it. As long as you are ok, they will be, too.
I am sick with that thought, and all of this, NOT what I want!!
I know it isnt, sweetie. One never knows what the future holds, though, right?
oh, now she just emailed me that she is considering us going to a movie tonight....and that I should wait before talking with my IC...wth?
Yea, she is feeling that you are done. And it is unsettling her. I do think it is time for you to pull way back, T. I dont really care that she doesnt see it as her choice. It is. But it is also your choice, T.
You do what is best for you right now. Let her blow in the wind.
T I'm so sorry to hear all this. It's all so crazy. You have really been put through the ringer. I'm glad to know you are so strong. No matter what you're going to be okay and so will your kids, because they have you to look to.
I think if it goes toward D, then my advice is to act that way through the process. She likely thinks you will still be her friend. She may think she'll be able to call you up and go to the movies and hang out. It's so weird to me that you talk D and then she just wants to go to the movies together.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Just a quick update as I REALLY have to finish getting some things done, planting can't wait forever!
So we did go to a movie, I had already replied to her before I read your replies...but I wasn't my usual enthusiastic self, just rather factual. So what is interesting is how she worded it:
"I'm done considering the movie... I want to give you an answer now rather than at the last minute... I'd like us to go see one... I think we both could use it... maybe take a walk too..."
This is unusual, W is a last-minute, indecisive person, even she says she is...so this is a change, and with more proper grammar and a "decisive" voice...
The cheap theater didn't have any movies I just "had" to see, so i told her that and that I am interested in any of them. She chose an interesting one, that surprised me, she typically isn't an epic fantasy kinda woman. She sat leaning towards me through most of it, I guess that's better than sitting as far away as possible...lol. This is the first time in years the two of us have been alone together, and out of the house.
Afterwards we took a walk, she knew of a nice spot by the river we went to and talked, with a beautiful high desert twilight descending. We eventually got around to the D issue, her lead, and I was very matter of fact about it all, not much emotions about it, which probably was a clue to her as she knows how I am once things are decided within me.
Some things she said I found interesting/telling: "We don't have to decide anything right now and in the summer".
I said that I need to move forward, certain life things like financials are dependent on if we try to reconcile, or D...if I do certain things right before a D, her lawyer could use that as malicious intent to make life harder for her...and things like that.
"You know how I have to "try everything on" to see how it feels..."
Maybe she figured out what I discovered, and yes, this is her MO in life. Trying to tell me that the apt hunting efforts were just testing for herself, trying it on?? Who knows...
"Would we have money for counseling?"
That is a first...no comment needed, lol.
There was more, but those were significant I think. I was clear that I was going to keep my appt with my L and determine what was best for me and our sons.
By the end though, she actually moved to sit next to me and let me rub her back and shoulders. She re-iterated that we don't have to decide anything right now. I said until the papers are signed by both of us, filed and have a court stamp on them, we are still married. She has choice until then.
I did re-iterate that I do not want her staying because of kids, life-style, etc...SHE had to think/believe that a renewed, rebuilt, or brand new R was possible, be open to it, and know that a bit of work was involved, but that it was possible, if not guaranteed...the cage door is un-wired, for both of us, from here on out. We both can leave the R at anytime.
So, that's how or 20th anniversary went...lol..but better than last year...this detached state is so helpful, my expectations were pretty much zero, so all good here.
Comments, analysis (lol!), always welcome....
Okay, gotta get some seeds in the ground!!
Thank you all again! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
-A few times I really got her attention when i said that i did certain things wrong, and how her criticisms allowed me to really look at, and analyze some of my own mannerisms, and I could see how they could be annoying looking at it from "outside" and that i had co-workers who do those things, and it can annoy me. She did say it was important that I have been admitting when I was wrong and she did notice a change in many of my habitual mannerisms (and yes, these are things I wanted to/chose to work on changing, so they are not just to win her back).
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
