T, I agree totally w/uR. You are doing wonderful. You are right where you should be at this time. You did a great job of listening and I do believe her friend struck a nerve w/her comment. It gave your w something to think about.
Dig deeper for patience and give her plenty of space. The job is giving her plenty of ego boosters and admiration for now. It's helping her and she doesn't even know it.
So, what are your plans for the week and long weekend coming up?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nothing much special planned, just getting S2 caught up in school, finishing the veggie garden planting, some bike rebuilds, some painting and wallpapering, various sundry projects here and there in addition to regularly scheduled programming...We will see what W wants to do about the anniversary, she still was in flux about it this weekend...if she doesn't want to do anything I may just go see a cheap movie myself or something...no worries...expectations set appropriately...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Seems like she was making escape plans and biding her time. Can't go into the details, but what I glanced at was pretty clear, and very recent, very sneaky, and in her "mlc" handwriting style.
I don't want to do this anymore, the lies, the secrets, the indecision, the fantasy. The being used.
Time to put reality fully in her court. I want off the crazy train.
I told her I would give her the divorce she wanted.
We talked a bit, I finally learned that she had quit with the online and PA...why now does she tell me? Why not when she was done? She said she thought I would know from her emails, well I looked over them last night and there was no real "I am done with that" sort of thing.
Maybe she is one of those that have to see it through, idk. But I'm not playing anymore, she's either in, or out, her choice (choice, which she doesn't believe in right now per her).
Making my appt with L for when school is out, I will not interfere with school.
To be honest, I am hoping that she won't sign, that this will be a wake-up of sorts, like in rH's sitch, but hope is just hope at this point. I will follow through if she doesn't try to stop it, I need to move forward, with or without her. She can stop it, and show a real desire to try, at anytime.
I feel so bad for the kids, if this goes through, especially the youngest. Ugh.
I am sick with that thought, and all of this, NOT what I want!!
Any thoughts, advice, 2X4's etc welcome as always.
T^2
oh, now she just emailed me that she is considering us going to a movie tonight....and that I should wait before talking with my IC...wth?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm so sorry about this new and painful revelation!
I too clearly remember the back-and-forth thing from last fall! H's continued insistence upon D (signing over cars, having documents drawn, financial accounts....everything...except...the actual signature on the paper). All the while courting me....wanting physical contact, dates, time together, etc.
How can it be more confusing? It is easier looking back now...but at that time I didn't know we weren't going through with it. I suspected it could be the case (and you were there each step of the way, helping me with my sanity) but I still didn't KNOW.
And then there was the tiny statement a week before D....I'm not signing the papers just yet. Need to put it off a little bit.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
T^2, you're a strong, kind, integrated, changed man. You can do this. You know how to detach. You are no stranger to internal pain and empathy for others, including your own children. You can do this, no matter what the outcome.
You didn't break her, T^2. You can't fix her. You know the routine. But it's true!!! You were put in her life for a reason. For her. For you.
But right now, take care of yourself. You need that. You've got to have strength for these days ahead. Post here as much as you need.
We all love you and you have helped and been an inspiration for so many here. Especially me.
Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
T, I am so sorry to come here and read your posting. Do what you need to do for you, not as a wake up call for her. Someone will need to sit down w/her and advise her that things are going to drastically change if a divorce should go through, i.e., no more living in the house, i.e., she needs to hear those things in order to face the consequences of her actions.
T, you are a strong individual who deserves the very best. Don't do anything when you are upset or angry, i.e., you know the drill.
We are all here for you no matter what you decide to do. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, i.e., hoping against all odds that she'll not sign the papers if they are presented to her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ohhhh T^2 ..... these WAS are sooo confusing. So sorry, ((HUGS)), is all I have!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
One more thing, T^2, you were clear with me last fall to give the message to my H it won't be "the same, only D". My L said the same thing. He frowned at me when I suggested my H could still have visitation at the house.
Would you normally jump at the chance to go to a movie with her?
Maybe you should consider saying no, you have some things to think about. How would she react? The distancer/pursuer roles?
You are always there for her, right? Like she knows she can be a bad girl and then run to "daddy" and he will tell her everything will be okay?
Idk enough about her and you so I may just be blowing smoke, but was just pondering some of the advice you used to give me. It's often a timing thing so only you would know.
It sounds like you have been plenty detached. She has no idea how hard her life will be without you in it. She hasn't thought it through. Probably is just too scared right now and envisions you'll still hold her hand. Idk.
How could she think she could leave her kids? She must be so scared. My H's journal said about him being pulled in "multiple directions at once". It must feel like that to them. Even now he still feels the "call of the wild".
Thinking of you, T^2
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I’m so sorry to hear of the recent events. We all know going into this saving a MLC marriage thing that there are no guarantees. I’m sure you’ve prepared yourself for whatever happens… as much as anyone can anyway.
My only advice is to stay strong and resolute in your actions. Allow her to see that you are seriously done. No more hand holding and coddling the teen in crises. (I agree with RH’s post) Allow the Reality Stick to do its job. At this point it’s likely your best shot.
Would a physical separation be an option? Maybe then she would get to see life without you won’t be so great after all? Just tossin’ it out there.
You don’t need to have all the answers right now, you will know what to do and say as things play out. My thoughts and positive energy go with you buddy.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
