WAW / ILUBINILWY / CONFUSED! (Thread II)

[Fartiltre]

Last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2349232&page=1

Quick summary
Bomb dropped 8. March 2013 – ILUBINILWY - WAS
We live together, share bed and get along a lot better than before bomb which confuses me. There have been zero arguments, zero mean comments – all is nice and pleasant! We communicate quite well and quite often.
No R talk at all. No talk about reasons for B.
W is looking for new housing and plans to move when this is done and I feel she is quite determined. She states that “It’s too late!”

I started DBing quite quickly after B and I think I have been doing OK although I don’t know. There have been a few smaller slips and one major!

I have done a lot of 180s and I am getting better to act-as-if. Detachment, GAL and the focus on me are not going well. I only GAL in and around house due to W work and children. I find the detachment and the focus-on-me very hard but expect this is primarily due to time. It feels like I am getting better and more confident.

It has definitely been a roller-coaster and I have been extremely confused and I still am.
I think relationship with W is improving – but then again I don’t know!

I have felt more attached with this board of experienced caring strangers than with several of my best friends! It has truly has been a lifesaver for me! Thanks to all of you who have supported and advised me down this road!

I am currently sticking to the following goals. I have my own specified list with smaller goals in these areas.
- Keep focusing on 180s
- Keep up and focus on PMA and act-as-if
- Focus on the few things in GAL and find more to do
- Focus on me and children!
- Don’t try to fix everything
- Go through my own list of specifics every day after I read Sandi2s 37 rules.
(Detachment will hopefully come as a result of the aboves)
Goals from DB-coach
- Keep texting with W
- Keep physical touching going

[Fartiltre]

Yesterday was OK – I feel all right! Still very confused about W and sitch! I hope I am on the right path!

We were supposed to babysit for W best friend yesterday but something went wrong and instead Ws friend ate dinner here with children. It was a nice afternoon and evening. I concentrated on the children and only talked a little with W and Ws friend. But once again all have been pleasant and nice. After dinner I took the children to a bath (also friends) while friend and W talked downstairs.

This friend (f) is her best friend and supporter – I think! She seemed very pleasant, natural and 100% normal towards me. I read this as a non-negative!

W noticed my teethjob this evening and paid a lot of compliments. It is natural that she haven’t seen it before now! 30 years with ugly teeth’s teaches one not to show them but today at dinner something made me smile! But then again perhaps she noticed earlier – believe none of what they say!

DB-GOALS:
Touching part is difficult since were not at home at the same time. I need to focus a little more on this one but it is hard after concentrating on the opposite for two months.
She answers my texts every time and very quickly. She tends to call when I text quite often.

[T1000]

W noticed my teethjob this evening and paid a lot of compliments. It is natural that she haven’t seen it before now! 30 years with ugly teeth’s teaches one not to show them but today at dinner something made me smile! But then again perhaps she noticed earlier – believe none of what they say!

My W noticed my eyebrows on Sunday, I did them about 6 weeks ago and kept up with them.

DB-GOALS:
Touching part is difficult since were not at home at the same time. I need to focus a little more on this one but it is hard after concentrating on the opposite for two months.
She answers my texts every time and very quickly. She tends to call when I text quite often.

Have you tried just glancing her arm or back while passing near a doorway?
If she wasn't answering your text quickly but now is that probably a good sign.

[Fartiltre]

Hi T

Thanks for being there for me again! I am still following your thread and it hurts me to read about your turmoil! I haven’t posted since I don’t really have anything to offer at the moment – so the only thing I can do for you is to pull and that I am!

About the eyebrows and teeth I can only suggest that perhaps WAWs eyes also go to the dark side

I haven’t texted W repeatedly before unless it was about practical stuff but since coach told me to I have done it almost on daily basis and not just about practical stuff. I try to make the texts happy, I use smilies, wish her a pleasant day, tell about the kids and so on. She does reply most of the times and quickly by text or by calling me! I read this as positive but I don’t know anything anymore!

I try to get the touches in but it is hard since we haven’t been doing a lot of stuff together the last days. This is due to work and normal stuff so no worries there – yet! I try to use any chance when we pass each other, go to sleep, leave, meet but coach said two times an hour and that I simply can’t do that these days.

[Fartiltre]

SHORT JOURNAL

Day has been all right. I have been working late for the first time since B. W has taken care of children, cooked, served and cleaned after dinner without my interference. I did tell her that I needed to work before this happened and she did accept, but perhaps this was a fallback in her eyes – but that is definitely her problem!

After we put the kids to bed yesterday there was an awkward silence in the house. W still seems withdrawn and off course I have to think that it is because of me! The same silence has been here this evening – again after putting the kids to their beds. We can sit in the office together and not exchange a word for an hour. That’s not like it used to be! We have both withdrawn.

It feels otherwise than some days ago but when I rationalize I think it is due to her working hours and all the other stuff (housing, moving, money and so on) that stresses her at this moment. She is also having a tremendous headache today. I feel her restraining herself at times, I feel her being tired and I feel her thinking!

She attended a meeting today and afterwards she drove by her mother and mother’s sister for lunch. She tells me that this happened and what they ate, but nothing else. Normally she would have told what they discussed but since it is properly HER sitch and future she doesn’t tell anything.

She is still very nice and pleasant but also a bit quiet these days.

[Papa4Life]

Hi FL - That's really to be expected, I think. WAWs have 'up' days and 'down' days. Just remember to detach: you can't control her moods and you shouldn't even try. You have your work to do (GAL, 180s, working on yourself), now let her do the work she has to do (thinking about what she wants and whether she would be making a mistake giving up on someone who is making such great progress).

Accept her withdrawl for what it is -- confusion and uncertainty -- and let everything that needn't be said, go unsaid.

Be patient and keep up the good work.

[Fartiltre]

SOME THOUGHTS (JUST BABBLING!!)

Days continue to pass and I am getting better acquainted with my own feelings, the turmoil, the roller-coaster and all of this. It is almost like I can anticipate that in a moment I will be rolled over by some feeling and all though I know the feeling - good or bad - will still hit me like a sledgehammer! I have an extremely hard time concentrating and it seems like my children is the only thing that can take my thoughts off the sitch and W for more than a short time.

I spend a lot – a lot - of time in here and it helps me relax. It does terrible things to my working-hours but it helps my PMA and acting-as-if and I am not prepared to give it a rest yet. I need to share my thoughts and situation and since I don’t want to scare off the only friend that I share this with, I steam off in here and try to give him a rest! Thanks for being here!

I think I am doing better! I feel better and I like what I am doing but certainly not why I am doing it! The 180s are sinking in and now I feel awkward if I don’t keep doing them. I don’t have to think about them anymore. I am a way better father and I simply love the way the children responds to me now! I also feel like a good H these days – I think of myself as a catch right now – unfortunately W doesn’t I care for my children, for W and for myself. I only show the caring to children and due to DBing not to W!

I am not a good provider at the moment! All have shifted during these two months and a new man is or will be rising! I have shifted totally from career to home! I will have to pair this new guy up with the old one at some points because I need to earn a living and I do not at the moment. I hope time and detachment will help me to do this!

I am also starting to realize but definitely not understand the hostile takeover that has happened to or inside W. I truly do not feel any anger AT ALL at her. At lot of people in here talks about feeling angry or bitter but I do not have these feelings. They can pop up but it is only for one or two seconds and then they are gone.
I do feel sorry for her! I really do hope that she will find her way through this – for her, for the kids and off course I also hope for me! My goal of R hasn’t changed a bit and I don’t think it will in a long time but then again who knows what the future will bring!

I try to focus on short term basis. Make the day a nice day, make the next hour pleasant – this helps me a lot! I can change misery to happiness in an instant if I focus short termed. The problem is keeping the feeling of happiness in the mind for a longer time! W and sitch seems to interrupt rather quickly.

I sleep better, eat better and have exercised more these two months than for a whole year or two. I look better, I dress better, I smell better and the new teeth will be the topping. Physically I feel and look good but this is only a major layer of make-up since my inside is in terrible stance. But isn’t makeup designed to hide even the worst pimple?

I talk less and listen more but I have to improve here. I have to get better at the validation. I thought I was doing all right but after reading some VETS in here I realize that I am not. This is a skill I want to have – not just for W or Sitch, but also for children’s, friends and life.

I am not the least detached and my GAL is extremely poor. DB-Coach tell me that the reading, running, children related stuff, establishing chicken hold and kitchen garden is GAL but since I am doing it alone or with W I am not so sure. I need to set up some things with the guys – but I am a bit trapped here because of Ws work. At the same time I think one of the reasons for B was that I was not either physically or/and mentally at home so I have to 180 here.


I haven’t got a clue to whether I am doing all right or not regarding DBing and possible R in time. I simply don’t know what is going on here! I have been reading at lot in forum, online and in books and it seems like this is a normal feeling in LBH so I try to accept it as a part of me at the moment.

I do wonder if her calmness and the fact that she is pleasant all the time are positive or not.
It could be a sign of her determination. Anger is not the opposite of love – indifference is! Perhaps that is her feeling at the moment - indifference. Perhaps she has gone totally numb and all that she shows is a little caring for the human me and not the man.
At the same time I feel “lucky” when I compare my situation to others in here. W is nice and pleasant and we are able to communicate. I have been shortly to the MLC forum and that’s a wake-up-call of unheard dimensions to me! I should feel lucky!

I can’t help myself trying to understand her and trying to read her mind. I try not to let this affect my own actions during the day but that is almost impossible. I do hope my awareness of this helps me to focus on me and my own actions.


I know my posts are long and full of it – but writing and sharing really helps me so bear with me if you ever get to the ends of these. It straightens my mind and keeps me on the path!


Do or do not – there is no try!
Welcome to the dark side!

[Fartiltre]

MORE MONEY-TALK FROM W

Well, W just went off to bed!

She gave me a hug and started talking.

We had a good talk about this and that - and then she suddenly asks “By the way: Will you be paying school-money for the children?”
They will be attending a private school that costs more than public and she expects me to pay half of the fee as I heard her. (This is not normal practice in my country).

Then she hugged me again (a good one) and went off to children’s bed. She is sleeping with the children to night. She told me they asked her to sleep with them and at the moment I believe this. But still this is withdrawing.

The question about school-money is also some kind of temperature check. She is still determined on leaving otherwise I don’t see a reason for a question like this at this moment!

Since I have already decided on this subject after advice in here (see old thread), I told her that I would give it some thoughts. I want what’s best for the children but I really don’t feel like helping her more than law tells me to do. I may need to address this in near future and it smells like a rising challenge!

Me and my confused brain is off to bed – sleep tight!

[Fartiltre]

DRAFT TO LETTER OF APOLOGY


I REALLY HOPE TO GET SOME COMMENTS ON THIS ONE!

I have discussed a letter of apology with coach and I have been thinking about it for a long time. I want to give this to W in a week or so if sitch is unchanged or better.

DB-coach agrees to this and says it can be a positive. She does not think it will affect sitch negatively.

(I have read several threads where this have been done! I need to do this – for me!)


What is your general thoughts of the letter?

- Too pursuing?
- I have tried not to address other issues than mine and only in general – is this right the right way to go about this?
(Am I not specific enough about the issues? Do I need to address specific (My withdrawel, SL etc.) problems?)
- Too long? / Too short?
- Other/All comments please?

I intend to handwrite it and just leave it somewhere for her to find it when I am not around.



LETTER

Dear W

I understand and accept your decision.
It makes me unbelievable sad that I have destroyed the unique relationship we had and the dream of core family.

I see very clearly now, that the [my name] you fell in love with and thereby also the [my name], I wish to be, slowly has disappeared and at last almost was gone. It is my fault and I’m the one to blame. I have let this happen although it has never been my intention.
I have let bitterness, regrets, and circumstances of life take over in regards of my daily reactions and thereby especially towards you. I have been sad, tired and hurt for a long time and my reactions have been the opposite of what they should have been. I should have leaned towards you and shared my thoughts and problems with you, but instead I have pushed you and thereby us away. I understand that this has hurt you tremendously and that you have gone through a lot of pain. I want you to know that I haven’t done this on purpose and that it has never been my intention to hurt you or to ruin what we had.
I wish I could undo things!

I also want you to know that it is not only your dream that vanishes, it is also mine. It is not only my dream of core family and mutual 3rd age but especially the dream of a happy life with precisely you that disappears.
The thought of that I could have avoided this, I can’t express – It hurts deep in my soul.

I hope sincerely that someday in the future you will find room in your heart and your brain to forgive me.

I am so sorry!

[My name]



In advance - THANKS!
Fartiltre

[T1000]

DRAFT TO LETTER OF APOLOGY


I REALLY HOPE TO GET SOME COMMENTS ON THIS ONE!

I have discussed a letter of apology with coach and I have been thinking about it for a long time. I want to give this to W in a week or so if sitch is unchanged or better.

DB-coach agrees to this and says it can be a positive. She does not think it will affect sitch negatively.

(I have read several threads where this have been done! I need to do this – for me!)


What is your general thoughts of the letter?

- Too pursuing?
- I have tried not to address other issues than mine and only in general – is this right the right way to go about this?
(Am I not specific enough about the issues? Do I need to address specific (My withdrawel, SL etc.) problems?)
- Too long? / Too short?
- Other/All comments please?

I intend to handwrite it and just leave it somewhere for her to find it when I am not around.



LETTER

Dear W

I understand and accept your decision.
It makes me unbelievable sad that I have destroyed the unique relationship we had and the dream of core family.

I see very clearly now, that the [my name] you fell in love with and thereby also the [my name], I wish to be, slowly has disappeared and at last almost was gone. It is my fault and I’m the one to blame. I have let this happen although it has never been my intention.
I have let bitterness, regrets, and circumstances of life take over in regards of my daily reactions and thereby especially towards you. I have been sad, tired and hurt for a long time and my reactions have been the opposite of what they should have been. I should have leaned towards you and shared my thoughts and problems with you, but instead I have pushed you and thereby us away. I understand that this has hurt you tremendously and that you have gone through a lot of pain. I want you to know that I haven’t done this on purpose and that it has never been my intention to hurt you or to ruin what we had.
I wish I could undo things!

I also want you to know that it is not only your dream that vanishes, it is also mine. It is not only my dream of core family and mutual 3rd age but especially the dream of a happy life with precisely you that disappears.
The thought of that I could have avoided this, I can’t express – It hurts deep in my soul.

I hope sincerely that someday in the future you will find room in your heart and your brain to forgive me.

I am so sorry!

[My name]



In advance - THANKS!
Fartiltre

I'm probably not the person to commenting on apologies at the moment but imo I would leave out the bold parts.