Why can't I keep my mouth shut? Why do I think he will be different & come running back if I say I miss him?
Because it always worked before. Whenever we get in an argument with our spouse or get the silent treatment, it's natural to break the silence after a while and reach out to them. And that's usually all it takes to get things back on track. Pretty soon the wrongs are forgotten and all is well again. NOT THIS TIME. This simply does not work with a WAS, it always worked before when the R was "normal" but now the R has been severed and all reaching out does is make the LBS look weak, pathetic and desperate to the WAS. Try to keep that in mind. The dynamics are completely different now and what works in this case is DB'ing. DB'ing runs counter to everything we've done before, so it is very hard to implement at first. Just stick with it, it gets easier.
AS, I love what you just said. It makes so much sense, I have exerted more self control than ever before the last 2 months and this insight is needed because the last few days it has been tough not to "temperature check"!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
AnotherStander, Thank you so much for the insight. It is so frightening to do this DBing to me - u are 100% right - every time I do what used to work, it gets worse. I just am still so distraught - it is so so SO HARD. I guess I should be happy with no response for now instead of a negative one, which is what is happening when I falter & try to reach out. What is worse is that I am getting attention from a lot of guys which would feel good except they are all not the person I love - my WAH, so I go from happy & flirting with these guys to 5 min later when I am alone hysterically sobbing because I just want my H back. WAH said he is "At Peace" now. He rented a house with a guy who works for him who has a daughter in high school. He said his blood pressure is down. That made me a little angry because it felt like he was blaming me. We argued a little but we didn't have big fights. So I texted him back that I was happy and was having a lot of fun & made a few close friends. I kind of liked getting angry because it made me stop crying & miss him less. But he always texts back some super nice thing like "You deserve to be happy. You are the nicest person I know -(Blah Blah Blah)". Why would a WAH say that nice stuff? To make the pain worse? I hate it because it does make it worse. I am so confused and wonder if I need lithium because I go from happy to crying in seconds. Do you know of anyone else like this - or should I go to a psychiatrist? I am on Cymbalta for depression ready. Please help oh wise one(s) on this DB forum.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
Thank you DubiousHills for your insight and comfort. I can't express how much your caring means to me. (((((Hugs))))))
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
But he always texts back some super nice thing like "You deserve to be happy. You are the nicest person I know -(Blah Blah Blah)". Why would a WAH say that nice stuff? To make the pain worse?
He feels guilty at that moment. If he can draw you in and make you walk away then it relieves his guilt and puts the blame on you.
It has nothing to do with making your pain worse. It is to try to lesson HIS PAIN.
This is all about him, they are selfish and not the person you married, but the opposute right now.
You can only take care of YOURSELF. Take the focus off of him and just work on YOU.
I kind of liked getting angry because it made me stop crying & miss him less.
Anger is a really easy place to live in our sitches, but it just masks our pain (and in fact prolongs it) and prevents us from healing.
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But he always texts back some super nice thing like "You deserve to be happy. You are the nicest person I know -(Blah Blah Blah)". Why would a WAH say that nice stuff?
My W says the exact same stuff, practically word-for-word. I think like Cadet said, it's the guilt talking. They know their actions are hurting us and they feel guilty. If we're happy then they don't feel as guilty about what they've done. The thing is, we don't want our WAS's to return out of guilt because they'll just leave again. So we strive for PMA, we show our WAS a happy, content us. With guilt out of the way, hopefully they can dig deeper within themselves to sort through their emotions and come out of the fog.
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I am so confused and wonder if I need lithium because I go from happy to crying in seconds. Do you know of anyone else like this - or should I go to a psychiatrist? I am on Cymbalta for depression ready. Please help oh wise one(s) on this DB forum.
It's been less than a month since he moved out, I think you just need more time to sort through things. How long have you been on Cymbalta? It can take 4 to 6 weeks for A/Ds to stabilize and reach full effectiveness.
I've been reading your posts and felt I need to reach out to you, I can so understand your pain I have a WAH, and it is hard very hard to make it thru the day sometimes but you can do it, You may think you cannot but you can, some things that I've been doing to help myself, is when I see that my H has texted or called or IM which he love to do for some reason I don't listen, read, answer or reply to him right away. Take your time get your feelings, and thoughts under control, calm yourself, Think about it first. Is what I want to say or do going to be for the greater good, shoot make a list of does and doesn’t and read it out loud to yourself then read the text, or reply you will have better control, You will have your objectives in your mind first and not reply with what is in your heart, because the heart wants what the heart wants and will do whatever it take to get it but you need you mind to be in control now. I hope this helps take it one day at a time.
Hi Pamdba! Thank you so much for the much appreciated help. It is very comforting to hear from someone else who has a WAH. I actually never thought of not replying right away to my WAHs texts or calls but that is exactly what I am going to do now. If I have time to calm myself I won't write all this stuff I will regret and that throws a monkey wrench into my DBing, and effectively presses the reset button on it. I printed & highlighted some things I must remember when my heart goes crazy & I think for some reason that everything is like it was when our relationship was good. I really like the taking it one day at a time advice. I actually feel like I have made some progress because today is the first day I haven't had to tell myself take it hour by hour, which was an improvement over taking sleeping pills 24/7 to try to sleep my way through the pain.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
