I'm glad to read that your w enjoyed her time at the Thrift Store. She may find it stimulating and fun, not only meeting people, but actually doing something different. This is a plus for her because it helps to build her self esteem.
Is this important to help a MLCer / WAW to find inner happiness? At the moment my W is looking for work, as she hates what she does. It makes her down, frustrated and angry. But she can't find anything right now, and this is adding to her misery, and feeling of desperation (i think this is a huge part of the problem). I am hoping that finding a new job will give her some of her self esteem back as she seems to be lacking that right now, also does not get out and talk to people at all as she is a home worker. I just hope she finds something soon! And ideally in a place where its women only
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
2.4, We do not help the mlcer/waw find their inner happiness...this is the lesson that they must learn while in mlc. It is not our job to make them happy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
T, this is awesome news. You deserve some positive steps. Not to put to much into all of this, and I'm sure there will be steps back, but these are big steps forward!
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Hi Snodderly, Sorry think my post was badly worded! Was less indicating that its important for us to help MLCer inner happiness. More 'is the getting Self Esteem important to helping them find it?'. I was wondering whether my W can ever find inner happiness whilst she is struggling to find work and finding her current employment depressing and demoralising.
T^2 - sounds like you are having a better few days of it - keep up the good work!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
You have to allow her to grow and learn. You can compliment her on things that she does if it is appropriate to do, but other than that....she's got to figure it out and how to pull her self esteem out of the dark hole.
You can't fix her because you didn't break her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am trying to not put too much into her rings being on, I know what I would like to think, oh yes, I do know that. I just don't know until she reveals her intentions, and I don't want to pressure at all by asking.
Some possibilities: -maybe just seeing if it "feels right"? -testing to see if I would jump all over it and make assumptions that all is better? -a symbolic signal as rH suggested? -is she seeing if I will follow suit and put mine back on? -wearing them for first day of job in a pretty traditional work place?
I'd like to think the best, she wouldn't mess with the kids seeing and getting their hopes up, she loves them too much...I am not thinking the worst either...I just don't know, W is driving, and I am letting her without any backseat instructions...lol. Of course I do worry a bit that she might get frustrated if I don't acknowledge or something...idk.
I'll just sit quietly, go about my life, keep pressure off, and see what happens next.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T^2, I think putting the rings on is positive, but who knows what's going on in Ws head. Just be quiet and patient.
2.4 mentioned his Ws dissatisfaction with her job. It's possible she is projecting her unhappiness on her work the same as she does with blaming you. My w does the same and I'm convinced its her way of wanting to run. Wouldn't matter what the job was.
Stay calm T^2!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Since my wife's beloved career thus far (SAHM) is slowly going away as the kids get older, and one of the issues driving her mlc, her starting this new volunteer job I believe will help her tremendously. It was so wonderful to hear the excitement and all in her voice!
I remember reading in DR where when the WAW started working again and her H was supportive, etc, she felt better about herself, and started seeing her H differently and more positively.
Are you guys supporting/helping/etc with new job search or ideas for them? Of course you have to let them drive...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T^2, I just want to add to something you've posted. If your spouse is looking for another job, be supportive, listen and if they should ask for your assistance and/or opinion, by all means give it to them. However, if you are not asked to assist them in their job searches, then step back and remember...follow their lead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A job can offer a lot of meaning and purpose to the life of someone in MLC, which is exactly what they are searching for. It's very important that we support them, but let them do it on their own. My wife has always worked out of the home, (no kids) but recently told me that her job is one of the only things keeping her going. And hers is a stressful job that prior to BD, she often thought of quitting! We could get by on my salary alone, but there is no way she would quit now.
The rings:
It means a lot. Especially since she hasn't worn them in 3 years. She is sending a signal to the world... and to you. It is a positive.
My W continued to wear her rings to work, because if she didn't, "coworkers would know something was up", and she couldn't have that. But she seemed to go out of her way to NOT wear them while with me...Until recently. Now she sometimes wears them even when we are together. It definitely is a sign of her softening up to me, I think.
I take it as a positive sign for hope of R, and you should too. Sometimes we need this kind of hope just to carry on. I know I do.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
