More detached. I still care, but not more than my POM. These are the consequences of his actions.
He is just sooo angry, so it does worry me to think he'll get into a physical fight with someone in front of my kids. But, nothing I can do about it. I want to believe he would be responsible, but clearly everything I thought about this man has changed. His dad had fought with people infront of him. It's sad. The man he has hated since he was little...he is becoming. I do fear he will kill himself. But, not so much that I will enable anything or try to soften his consequences. That would be tragic, but not my fault. I spent years getting over my uncles suicide & feeling it was my fault. Today I know in my soul I am not responsible for the choices of others.
It's just so sad.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
1. the pity party routine, to me sounds like attempting to paint himself a victim so he can be mad and his attacker (ie you and everyone else) to justify why he's a cheater and a neighbor slapper and whatever other problems he won't face. He can point his attention out at all the meanies keeping him down. Glad you're turning away from that routine. I'm going to steal the rsvp line too.
2. you are not no matter what responsible in any way for any person's decision to commit suicide. Especially not with the integrity, grace, and assertiveness with which you're handling yourself with H but even if you weren't. Your fear won't help him, and you know that. Find a place to put it where it doesn't get to you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Tallula, maybe you standing up for yourself, not going to his pity-parties, and removing yourself from his behaviours... are EXACTLY What he needs to WAKE UP! For the sake of the kids, yourself & your M... I sure hope so! ((HUGS))
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
So I took some time away from the boards. Just needed to breath and live.
Journal:
Anger has been bubbling up inside me. Friday at drop off H, yet again, tried to put the moves on me. Sigh. Then asked again if I hated him for the slap sitch. I just looked at him. He goes "See, this is the problem. We are fundamentally different." I left. I sat in the truck seething. Yea, bud. THAT IS the problem. We ARE fundamentally different. You think you can bang other woman. I don't. THE END.
Long story short, we both had counciling Monday night. I'm trying this new thing were I just tell him what I need him to do. I know, novel concept. So I texted that he take the kids to my house and put them to bed during my session. He agreed. With no complaints. I was shocked.
I spoke to my councilor about my anger. How I am sick of any responcibility to be thrown at me. She suggested that when he does, I say "I will not accept any responcibility for your cheating. That is not on me." I left feeling good. Strong.
I walk in the door and H says he wants to talk to me. This should be fun. He then goes on to say that he always wanted to be monogomous. "I've been focusing all my anger on you. I've been cruel and mean. I had to blame you, because I just couldn't accept that I was the problem. It had to be that I didn't love you enough or you weren't this or that, so I didn't have to see that I'm the problem. You are awesome. And I can't be happy with that. I'm so sorry."
Yea. Yeah. So tears started to stream down my face. I wasn't crying or sobbing, just the tears. I told him that I am so hurt. That he will never know the amount of pain that he has caused me, mostly with his anger and trying to blame me. That it means alot to hear, but that I hope it continues. Because I won't accept any more blame. I just won't.
So I've been marinating on that. It makes me sad. Sad, because it ignited a small hope in me that we could fix this. But I know, we can never be again. He didn't say he was going to stop cheating. He still hasn't admitted there is more than just OW. My only hope is that he continues to be remorseful, kinder towards me. That he can heal himself and be a happy person. But, as always with him these days...let's see what tomorrow brings.
The baby is kicking up a blue streak. That is exciting. The kids are very excited, S4 keeps talking about all the toys he will give him and helping me with diapers. D2 just keeps saying "BABY!! mumble, mumble." And life just keeps ticking along.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
"I've been focusing all my anger on you. I've been cruel and mean. I had to blame you, because I just couldn't accept that I was the problem. It had to be that I didn't love you enough or you weren't this or that, so I didn't have to see that I'm the problem.\\
I find this very significant for whatever type of R you and your H cultivate, Tallula. If this is sincere, which of course time will reveal, then this could really be a shift in your H that he needs for himself to begin to heal and grow. I know I shouldnt compare, but really? I could not imagine my H saying something like that to me. He is adamant that I was the problem (why he left) and still am the problem (I didn't run to the D lawyer when he yelled boo).
Exciting baby news!!!!!! What a beautiful, positive, affirmation of life and love for you and your kids to have right now. :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
He then goes on to say that he always wanted to be monogomous. "I've been focusing all my anger on you. I've been cruel and mean. I had to blame you, because I just couldn't accept that I was the problem. It had to be that I didn't love you enough or you weren't this or that, so I didn't have to see that I'm the problem. You are awesome. And I can't be happy with that. I'm so sorry."
Pardon the cynicism in me, but, B.S...
If he always wanted to be monogamous, he would've found a way to do so. And in doing so come to grips with his problems without being mean and cruel in the process.
I could VERY much be wrong here, but, it looks to me like he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. On the surface, from an outsider perspective, this looks a lot like more manipulation, but, what do I know...?
Either way, T, you are a very strong lady and I know you'll do what you have to in order to protect yourself and your kids.
[quote=bblake1968 Pardon the cynicism in me, but, B.S...
If he always wanted to be monogamous, he would've found a way to do so. And in doing so come to grips with his problems without being mean and cruel in the process.
I could VERY much be wrong here, but, it looks to me like he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. On the surface, from an outsider perspective, this looks a lot like more manipulation, but, what do I know...?
Either way, T, you are a very strong lady and I know you'll do what you have to in order to protect yourself and your kids. [/quote]
I agree with you. He would have to do some serious changing for me to ever see him as nothing but a manipulative person at this point. I see no M future. Just that we are parents together. Maybe one day we could be friends...emphasis on the maybe. Right now I just think the worst and if he surprises me, then there we go. And whenever I feel wobbly...I read the texts I took pics of. Clears things right up, hahaha.
I know that the NC has really thrown him for a loop. He said he was talking to the IC about never feeling safe. He said as stupid as it sounds he is trying to create one for himself now. He said the councilor asked if he felt it was a person or a place. He said the only person in the world he has ever felt close to safe with was me.
Well, sorry bud. That ship has sailed. I'm all about actions today. Bet a million dollars he starts blaming me again when this little speech doesn't get me to let him move back in. Or whatever he thinks. I know when he was over sunday helping me with yardwork I had gotten teary about this baby not having me at home with him. I walked away, cried. Started mowing. He walked up and said "I need to you to know that I haven't given up on us." He saw the look on my face (Um...but I'm done.) and goes "you don't need to say anything. I just need you to know."
Yea. I. Me. Me...me...me
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
i can't believe how amazing you can be dealing with this while expecting a little one. i also can't believe how anyone can walk out on or cheat on a spouse while they're pregnant.
i've been reading a lot of quotes about heartbreak (i know.. sadistic of me) and this one seems fitting..
i make no apologies for how i choose to repair what you broke.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
