Sounds like your W still has a battle between her heart and her head. Between fantasy and reality. Between what she wants and what she has.
Hmmm... That sounds familiar!
It seems like being "safe" is also coming at a price for you. I know it's hard to get unloaded on and hear things that are not so easy to hear.
Their minds are scary, aren't they?
You are a strong, confident and caring man that continues to be a rock for your W. Being a rock is hard work though. Real hard.
Keep up the great work of listening and validating, no doubt there is more to come from your wife.
AND... Don't forget to take care of you! I know this has to be emotionally draining for you. Add work, kids, house, life... You have a lot on your plate right now.
Rest and recharge tonight T - you deserve it.
Keep being awesome! (Which I'm sure comes quite naturally by now)
PS- she certainly didn't seem to find you repulsive recently if you know what I mean!!!! Actions speak louder than words...
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I'm glad tvs answered you in her eloquent way. She said it better than I can.
This is so painful as part of the growing/being there process. I know from what you said that there is much you didn't say.
You ARE the man no woman would want to leave. And your W hasn't left. She is staying and growing and learning and accepting and sometimes that is fun and sometimes that is painful.
She is a remarkably strong woman to stay and face this pain. She has these issues from long ago and here you are to help her through this metamorphosis.
You are talented, kind, a good provider, a great dad, lover, cook, artist, gardener, listener, funny, handsome, have good morals, (not in order of importance -- just as they came to mind -- lol!)
Hang in there and give yourself some self-soothing rituals today. You deserve it.
It's ups and downs with these MLCers. My H didn't go to MG but went out drinking last night with a half-hearted "I might come by the house. Do I hafta tell you now?" But I didn't hear from him all evening nor did I expect to. And more drinking planned for tonight. So I have my doubts as to how our special valentines day dinner will go tomorrow. H seems to be needing a lot of extra sleep lately. I hope tomorrow's plans are not a disaster like our anniversary dinner last May. I'd rather be home alone than that. So it's two steps forward and one back. Sometimes two or three back. But we keep moving forward.
More than one of my friends/family are encouraging me to throw In the towel. Or throw it AT him as MWD says! But we don't do that. We just patiently wait while taking care of ourselves since our spouse can't help us with that right now
I'll have you in my heart today. Thinking of you and wishing you strength, rest and courage!!!
Hugs, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I agree w/the others...take some time out for yourself and recharge. Your wife is still bouncing around and is still working things out.
Don't sell yourself short...you are someone that has shown just how strong and patient a person can be. Dig deeper for more patience.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you SO much you guys, it was such a nice and empowering thing to wake-up to your responses!
As luck would have it, a virus or something is making sure I get some rest, and giving me a reason to back off on the talks with W a bit.
There has been a lot of good stuff in the talks, along with the bad/difficult, so focusing on the good and letting the bad be just info that she needed to say aloud to "free" it from her mind.
I have been doing EXTREMELY well with the OMs and cyber info, I think maybe I really did/have let THAT part of this go and forgiven...nothing has really bothered me yet. It is also good that she is seeing it was what it was...an innocent curiosity turned into a band-aid/escape and then addiction/escape..and realizes those feelings of "new love" will always fade and or fluctuate, so what is she to do?
Run from new to new until she is old and ultimately alone? While doing more damage to what she has and maybe destroying it altogether? Or accept that reality of "new love feelings" and of her addiction to them and work it out and get through it and keep what she has built with us and the kids... Listening to her I see she is doing the mental work, realizing what she has done and who it has affected and that she has run from so much and when will she stop? What if she throws all this away and STILL isn't happy? These are some of what she is sounding out with me.
I know there is more to come with the OMs and her exploring, she did respond to my concern about STDs, without saying she never went PA/hookup, but that I didn't have to worry about STDs...lol...whatever I can infer from that...the answers will come, when they are ready.
I also have to keep in mind that her SAD is always the worst in Feb/March, so that affects her and her thinking regardless of MLC...hoping for a warm sunny spring this year....
Thanks to all of you, got my boots laced back up and back to work!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I keep thinking about you and your wife with the multiple OM and all your helpful advice with my H. I do think it has made standing easier for me with H too. All the jumping around from one to the next, makes me feel like his heart is not with any of them. Maybe it's being a woman, but that would hurt me more than the PA if he had a real relationship or the facade of one. i don't know how anything that begins with this foundation could be considered a real relationship. I feel like it will be easier to forgive and get past if I'm the one still in his heart, even if buried so deep right now.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I think the EA hurts more than PA as well, at least it does for me...the EA or a "real" relationship interest is where you feel them toss you out of their heart....imo.
Update/Journal Entry--
Lots of things have been discussed by her going into week #2 since OM went N/C. Something he said has been really "getting" at her: "enjoy your life" ... I don't know what all there, but she has been giving it a lot of head time. Maybe I'll know someday...lol. But she is greiving and in withdrawal, so I can empathize well.
She seems torn between working it out and the call of the "other" life, her addiction to attention from men and acting on it while she still can before she's old and unattractive. Some interesting change in vocabulary is that she is using "cheating" and "cheated" instead of less blunt terms, and she said in one discussion that I have a lot of "leverage" against her if we D because of all she has done, how the kids would view her, etc...sounds like she is looking hard at a reality, rather than an escapist fantasy, of how things could go...
Through this I have been the usual validating, calm, non-threatening and not threatened (95%+). Safe, as she is still talking...lol. Just asking clarification questions to be sure I am understanding her points, feelings and thoughts.
I am seeing a lot of parallels to rH's H vacillating, and I have had times of some anxiety, but not too bad or too many.
But lots of contact via email and phone all day, so this is new, but then we are scrambling to get kids in new schools, but there have been times of her talking about other stuff, and even revealing things such as "when I was stressed like this before I would email "someone".... ".
So still letting her lead and show that I am there, got her back, but back off when I sense she wants or needs space.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Constantly having to adjust to their edging closer and closer? Yet it is rewarding to have more contact, more closeness, more trust in us as spouses.
Thanks for posting. I was wondering how it was going for you.
Maybe things will be better in the spring, a coupla months from now? Your W must be very pretty. It seems she relies on her looks as a way to feel good about herself, or is that a carryover from a childhood abuse issue?
How did things ever work out with the kitchen/cooking issue or did I miss that somewhere?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Yes, rH, it is tough...trying to keep letting them edge closer when we would like things to move just a wee bit faster...lol.
The kitchen thing, thanks to you, Hopper, FY and TVS seems to be working around slowly, you guys' input helped me craft a nice email suggestion...I am trying to keep her involved, like I prepped up a nice stew the night before so all she had to do was turn on the crockpot in the late morning...stuff like that so it's more a team effort, just separate right now...lol...
And the boys and I are working menus and grocery lists as we transition through what's in the pantry atm, this weekend should be first "live run" ...
She has an interesting look, sorta "girl-next-door" with something unique...my friends have said she's a 7 or 8 if a scale means anything. Because she was highly influenced by the media and its "ideals", and the abuse/abandonment, she has always not liked her looks and craved attn from men for that external validation (again, that external thing, rather than internal)...and she/is was kinda a wallflower/super shy person. Since her "purpose" (the kids) is growing up and away, peri-menopause, growing older, dad dying, etc, yet another perfect storm...I am watching your sitch with great interest since H seems a bit ahead of W
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
