HI, I noticed all of your goals were about what SHE was going to do, not you. Maybe you should rewrite them in terms of what you are going to do to encourage these behaviors from her since you can't control her.
(Interesting that you just said you need to work on control just before you wrote these...just saying.)
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I struggle a lot with doing 180's, DBing and then being told I'm acting weird or acting as if I've moved on and don't want to work on things. I've thought of writing him a letter, similar to the one in Love Must Be Tough, and at least putting it out there that I want to work it out but I am letting him be free.
This control issue - I have the same thing - and lots of times I don't even realize it. Sometimes you feel like you have no choice but to conrtol it otherwise things won't get done. Have you found any techniques to help?
Have you worked on a goals list lately?
I don't know if their responses to our changes are because they actually wonder if we are moving on or if they are just testing us. I guess it really doesn't matter though, because the changes we are making are ones that needed to be made anyways. One time when my wife started in on me about how my changes made it so she felt she didn't know me anymore, I asked her if she wanted me to go back to the way that I was. That kind of confused her too. She doesn't want me the way that I was, but she doesn't feel she knows me after the changes. Go figure! It's frustrating sometimes. I am working on not letting my frustration show. I am working on keeping a PMA and a happy demeanor.
Haven't found the silver bullet on getting rid of my controlling nature yet. That's my next mission. I do feel that once I can shed that habit, I will be a MUCH happier person and much more fun to be around, too.
As far as my list of goals, I have just a few things written down.
1. She will ask how I am doing when she communicates with me. 2. She will wear her ring and not remove it. (She used to never remove her ring.) 3. She will touch me.
I'm going to read up on you and your situation. Thanks for encouraging me. It means a lot to me since I don't get ANY words like that from home.
You are right, we need to make the changes anyway. And yes, completely frustrating. It's hard not to try to read into things.
I'm going to read a book called Let.It.Go in regards to the control issue. Unfortunately, I think it is something we have to work hard at and actually stop and think about things before reacting. It's not easy.
Sounds like a good start on your goals. I have yet to write mine down...that should be my first goal lol. Isn't it odd how they pick and choose when to wear their ring when they used to never take them off? Mine does that too. And always has some sort of excuse but it's hard to buy the excuse when they used to never take them off. He didn't have it on last night when we were at a bowling party - said he took it off to work on his car. Back around Christmas when he didn't have it on several times and I questioned him, the next time he came over I had taken mine off, he made a point to tell me he had his on, told him guess I'll put mine back on then and he got angry - what's good for the goose is not good for the gander in anything regarding the spouses.
Hey pathfinder hang in there I see a lot of similarities in your situation to mine...I will get to that later...I am off to a yoga class part of my GAL program....try not to focus on her so much as focus more on yourself and the kids....at this point it does not matter as much as what she does but what you do...what country is your W from?
7720, I just finished reading through your posts. We do indeed have a lot of similarities in the dynamics of our lives. You wrote of your wife having a lot of guy friends. My wife thinks very logically and is consumed with efficiency and saving money. She went to a technical school where she was one of only two women in her class. She thinks like a guy. She says she doesn't fit in hanging out with girly girls.
HI, I noticed all of your goals were about what SHE was going to do, not you. Maybe you should rewrite them in terms of what you are going to do to encourage these behaviors from her since you can't control her.
(Interesting that you just said you need to work on control just before you wrote these...just saying.)
I am going to have to think about this for a while. I have a written list of 180's. Do you mean something other than them?
Yes we camp a lot here as well....I have been trying to get out more...I am like you though no much into partying..my 180s are to get out and meet new people and I am guessing from reading your post that may be what you need to do as well. The media has really glamorized this whole seperation thing lately. How are your girls doing with all this my d(11) seems to be having the hardest..yes it has been a long cold winter...trying to get as much sunshine as possible...
Our girls don't really seem to have any idea of what is going on between us. My wife told them that I snore and that is why I sleep in the guest bedroom. Our youngest did tell me one day that she feels sorry for me because I have to sleep somewhere else. I don't think they have really noticed we don't touch each other anymore. I'm not sure how long this can be kept secret. I know my wife wants to spare them the pain. That's one reason she is still at home. It helps that I am gone as often as I am. It's like having a separation half the time anyways.
What is really amazing to me is that if I look at pics of us and think back to just 7 months ago, my wife seems perfectly happy. Now it's like she hates everything that there is about me.
What is really amazing to me is that if I look at pics of us and think back to just 7 months ago, my wife seems perfectly happy. Now it's like she hates everything that there is about me.
I have that same issue or question as to why all of a sudden did a switch flip and fun and happy goes the opposite direction.
