Hi Pathfinder Our situations have so many things similar - only I'm the wife and am similar to you and my husband acts like your wife.
I struggle a lot with doing 180's, DBing and then being told I'm acting weird or acting as if I've moved on and don't want to work on things. I've thought of writing him a letter, similar to the one in Love Must Be Tough, and at least putting it out there that I want to work it out but I am letting him be free.
This control issue - I have the same thing - and lots of times I don't even realize it. Sometimes you feel like you have no choice but to conrtol it otherwise things won't get done. Have you found any techniques to help?
Valentine's - oh I just can't wait. Feel the sarcasm in that lol? D and I have made Valentines for the grandparents and her daycare. We didn't make one for H. Anytime I have bought him gifts recently (Christmas and just because), even ones that he REALLY loves, he thanks me but that's about it. And it's not so much that I expect material things in return, but I guess more that Iof an acknowledgment that I went out of my way, know things he likes, and spent money from my side job on them. That may not make sense. At any rate, not setting ourselves up for disappointment always saves some hurt!
The other thing for me was significant weight loss - like back to high school weight and waist size. What a way to lose weight - get into a serious marriage crisis
I experienced the very same thing! I started heading to the gym. It was the only thing I felt I could control. I ended up dropping 15lbs in the period of about 2 months and I am in better shape than I have been in my whole life. This marriage crisis weight loss program works!
Hey pathfinder hang in there I see a lot of similarities in your situation to mine...I will get to that later...I am off to a yoga class part of my GAL program....try not to focus on her so much as focus more on yourself and the kids....at this point it does not matter as much as what she does but what you do...what country is your W from?
D and I have made Valentines for the grandparents and her daycare. We didn't make one for H.
Depending on how old your D is and whether or not she is of an age to make the choice on her own to do so, I would probably help her make one for her dad. It would really have to be from her though and have no undertones of it actually being from you. If you could pull that off, I think it would be OK. But... maybe better safe than sorry.
It makes it very difficult to bridge the gap between us without running the risk of pressuring her.
Your thoughts?
A 180 would be to stop trying to bridge the gap. It is pure pursuit and very unlikely to result in reconcilitation.
Let go and detach.
I vote NO for Valentines.
Maybe you are right, Cadet. I think I will hold onto my card and see if she does anything for V day. If she does, I will give her the card. My way of mirroring.
BTW, I've been trying to follow your timeline. You seem to have dropped off the radar at 100' on approach. Did you ever touchdown and make it to the gate?
Hey pathfinder hang in there I see a lot of similarities in your situation to mine...I will get to that later...I am off to a yoga class part of my GAL program....try not to focus on her so much as focus more on yourself and the kids....at this point it does not matter as much as what she does but what you do...what country is your W from?
W is from CZ.
Thanks for the words of advice. I find sometimes that my thoughts are consumed with this mess we are in. I guess I feel that it is inevitable that we will drift apart if we don't communicate and when we don't communicate, I spend my time thinking of what I can do to pull out of this spin. I know that this is really not my problem to solve. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. All I can do is improve myself.
I find that occasionally, I will have days where I am able to completely detach. Spending time with our kids and helping them with their school work or doing fun things with them gets my mind totally off this crap. That's when I feel much better. Doing intense sporting activities also helps. You know, stuff that, if you don't concentrate on it you can die.
The thing is that, while I feel my wife is in MLC, she feels I am the one in MLC. This really makes things very confusing for both of us.
Out on a business trip for a week. Had a blizzard at home. Wife emailed me a pic of the snow along with a pic of each of our girls. Just a one line caption for each pic. No greeting or salutation. Didn't inquire as to how I was doing. Didn't say how she was doing either. I thanked her for the pics and encouraged her to call for snow removal instead of doing it herself. No reply.
Texted her that I would like to talk to the girls sometime and to have them call me. Response was a simple "ok".
This promises to be a long, cold, and dark winter.
I struggle a lot with doing 180's, DBing and then being told I'm acting weird or acting as if I've moved on and don't want to work on things. I've thought of writing him a letter, similar to the one in Love Must Be Tough, and at least putting it out there that I want to work it out but I am letting him be free.
This control issue - I have the same thing - and lots of times I don't even realize it. Sometimes you feel like you have no choice but to conrtol it otherwise things won't get done. Have you found any techniques to help?
Have you worked on a goals list lately?
I don't know if their responses to our changes are because they actually wonder if we are moving on or if they are just testing us. I guess it really doesn't matter though, because the changes we are making are ones that needed to be made anyways. One time when my wife started in on me about how my changes made it so she felt she didn't know me anymore, I asked her if she wanted me to go back to the way that I was. That kind of confused her too. She doesn't want me the way that I was, but she doesn't feel she knows me after the changes. Go figure! It's frustrating sometimes. I am working on not letting my frustration show. I am working on keeping a PMA and a happy demeanor.
Haven't found the silver bullet on getting rid of my controlling nature yet. That's my next mission. I do feel that once I can shed that habit, I will be a MUCH happier person and much more fun to be around, too.
As far as my list of goals, I have just a few things written down.
1. She will ask how I am doing when she communicates with me. 2. She will wear her ring and not remove it. (She used to never remove her ring.) 3. She will touch me.
I'm going to read up on you and your situation. Thanks for encouraging me. It means a lot to me since I don't get ANY words like that from home.
