Summary of sich (2012)- W caught sending flirting texts on 6/20 (beginning of EA) BD 7/04 8/01 - 11/ 25ish EA/PA exists 11/25ish "60%" comitted to R 12/31/12 I blow up - 01/01/13 W says "Done again"
So here I am, playing "D" for ME. I'm not saying D as in Divorce. I'm here saying D for multiple positive reasons. D for the purest sense of DBing ---> To better myself for me. I need to continue to Detach. I need to continue to Discover and Develop who I want to be. To continue to be the great Dad that I can be. Also, I need to play Defense in preparation for an actual D, to protect myself and kids, rather than cling to false hope.
To answer the last question from Tori -
Quote:
What are your goals for the session w Jody?
My 2nd session with my coach is tomorrow, so any / all of the above that I can get done will be awesome. Also, to see her response about going from "flirty" to what the sich has become will be interesting.
Update since my last real entry. Sunday night I ended up staying at my home. W had called and asked if I wanted to stay that night and then leave in the morning after dropping off S7 to school. I had packed and was ready to go. I knew she needed my help b/c of her work. I told her I was intending on leaving, but asked D12 and S7 what they wanted. They wanted me to stay, so I did. Also, W and I sat the kids down at the table to tell them about the space thing. I actually did all of the talking, and I was composed. I was emotionally "strong." W paid me a compliment as she was surprised at how well I delivered the bad news.
Past 2 days I've been at my parents home. I've been more at ease, despite the impending D. I've been trying to line up what all I need to do (legally, financially, etc.). I've kept many of the "dirty" details away from my parents, as I don't want to overexpose them to the pain / sadness. You know the everything.
I've sent a few texts to D12 (how was your day / sweet dreams / have a great day). I called and talked with them all tonight. Not so much S2, b/c he's 2. The funny thing is, I spoke with W at the end of the call to let her know I was going to take care of an online bill payment and that I may have to get a sitter for Friday due to me being subpoenaed to court to testify as a witness. W only heard that I was going to court, and evidently panicked a bit. Once I reiterated the reason I was going, I did hear a sigh of relief. That creates confusion for me. Not hope, just a little confusion..
Overall my mood has been fair to good considering the sich is what it is. Oh yeah, I went out to eat with my parents (a mini 180 for me). While there I met one of their good friends, an older gentleman who recently lost his wife to cancer. I noticed he was still wearing his wedding ring. It was a little sad, simply because of how sweet that is (at least to me).
D for the purest sense of DBing ---> To better myself for me. I need to continue to Detach. I need to continue to Discover and Develop who I want to be. To continue to be the great Dad that I can be. Also, I need to play Defense in preparation for an actual D, to protect myself and kids, rather than cling to false hope.
These are some good goals! If you ever feel weak on any of them post it here before acting. I've done this the last week or so and it's amazing how quickly these boards get me back on track before I make a mistake.
I'm also glad to hear that you're feeling a little better and you were able to be strong during the talk with the kids. It's so important for you to show that so they know things will be alright for them.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Andrew, I don't have a lot of access to the site, while I'm away, but wanted to drop by to thank you for your words to me and to let you know I'm here to offer encouragement and support as you go through this. I wonder what Jody will say about the whole sitch. Will she think there is still hope? I guess it all depends on your own goals. Keep an open mind...who knows what the future might bring. That's what I'm trying to do for myself. ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))
Spartan, True, this board, rather the people on here are simply amazing.
Tori, Pop in when you can, not just for us, but to share how your trip is going when you can. If not, we will all play catch up later.
So the phone consult with Jody couldn't have had better timing. W sent me a nice, more than detailed text this morning regarding the kids. The more days we have been separated, the more detailed the text(s). Also, W sent me a nice sized email (re: not filing yet, not messing with money, not wanting to add stress to the kids, asking if she can get me / kids stuff from the g store, complaining about our dog, and then time with the kid type stuff). Jody and I went through and drafted a wonderful FRIENDLY response. Jody wasn't too shocked about the turn of events. She did agree with me staying away from alcohol until I get a better handle on me and allowing resentments to build up. To forgo any sense of entitlement. To erase obligations. Altruistic giving so to speak. Based on the email, Jody seems to think that W is not looking for a D at this time. Maybe a little bit of hope. I do though need to figure out if that's what I want. I may actually have some time after all.
The overall theme we conversed about was how in my sich, much of my caretaking tendencies took away the equity in our R. So based on some of the details of the email, focus on creating more equity. Do this in the form of simply treating W as a friend, a true friend. Doing a mindshift that the R is much bigger than the M. Letting go of the false hope that I once had / keeping it away, and simply trying to be a good friend to W. IMO, it is a win win situation. I win if we D, because we have a friendship (the kids win too). If we don't D, then we once again have the building blocks for a good M based on a good R (friendship). All of this occurring while I Do focus on me becoming the ME I want.
As a worker, I'm pretty good. I was invited out to dinner but some customers at the end of the day. I thanked them, but declined b/c it would have been "weird" to say the least.
As a Dad, I'm pretty good there too.
As a Me...that's the part I'm working on. Trying to be more confident, assertive (in a good way), and yet at the same time, carefree.
As an H??? Well, that's TBD. I've been a good one at loving W my way, just need to learn how to love her, or someone else their way. To do so in equal partnership in most aspects. Easier said than done.
Time to text D12 sweet dreams (and have her pass it along to S7), and then exercise. Yes, I brought some of my weights to my parents. 8)
Hey, Andrew! Have a chance to check in for a bit. Talking with Jody always helps. However, keep thinking about what you want and the possibilities. I think that when I talk to Jody, she will say she still sees hope for me and my H (after the D is final.) However, do I want to hang on to this hope and be "plan B?" No. So I will tell her this and see what she says.
Keep up the exercise, your great performance at work, and your thoughtful and loving behavior toward the kids!
Hey Andrew...love your post!! Love your goals, I've always liked D lol!!
H wants to be friends and I know that we are amazing friends together. We have agreed we keep our agreements private, but also sign an agreement to file away in case the "old" one of us ever return. While the physical attraction between us could spark forest fires, H is not built to cheat or be sleeping with more than one woman, so here I am hanging in...that was all to say that if he wants friends, I am willing to go there. I continue to GAL, 180, enjoy my life and there is a chance that when OW is gone, I may not want H, or maybe with someone else. I feel these possibilities are all that. In my case, friends works well. I like Jodi's advice. If you can do the friend thing without expectation, go for it!
Tori and Inside Out --> Thanks for being here. ((( )))
I will admit the call with Jody put some hooks for me out there. I held on somewhat. Tori, your initial response kind of grounded me so to speak. Yesterday was busy at work, which always helps. So busy that I couldn't respond to an email from W regarding the kids. So I called her on my way home. It was a nice friendly conversation. I was stoked to be at home with the kids. W left shortly thereafter, it was awkward of course. Kids I snuggled before bedtime. That was nice! I was sort of lost after putting to them bed. Didn't do much, but relax. I needed it.
So today, wrangled the kids and got them where they needed to be so I could go to court and testify. While leaving court, ran into our old neighbor, friends with me and W. Friend knew of some stuff, it was sad to tell her about the once again D. Ugh.
I find myself constantly reminding myself, she's not my W anymore. Try to be her friend. Let her walk her path, I'll walk mine. Part of me, call it judgmental or what not, pities her the way in which she's going about things. She refriended OM on FB. I saw that as I was hiding mutual friends and family's from my page. Still need to block her. I'll do that soon.
Andrew it's good you're staying grounded and in touch with reality. Let her walk her own path...and continue being the best you can be. As I've said before, I see a lot of similarities between my H and your W. They need to be "free" first for them to realize what they had.
Andrew it's good you're staying grounded and in touch with reality. Let her walk her own path...and continue being the best you can be. As I've said before, I see a lot of similarities between my H and your W. They need to be "free" first for them to realize what they had.
The funny thing is, I spoke with W at the end of the call to let her know I was going to take care of an online bill payment and that I may have to get a sitter for Friday due to me being subpoenaed to court to testify as a witness. W only heard that I was going to court, and evidently panicked a bit. Once I reiterated the reason I was going, I did hear a sigh of relief. That creates confusion for me. Not hope, just a little confusion..
