"i hate the kitchen ..!!!! and it got bad again because i'm sick... and i still don't feel i cook enough ...that they eat cereal and crap way too much.... it's so hard"
So should I roll with what I wrote above? Either she's onto this forum and who I post as, or this is an opening or segue from heaven...lol.
Wait a minute... Am I understanding you correctly that W sent the above email before you ever said a word? Wow, maybe the aliens can read our minds!
Quote:
"W, you have told me several times recently that you do not like working in the kitchen, cooking or grocery shopping right now, that it is stressful to you. I have heard you.
Due to the tax and insurance changes, the family needs to stretch the food budget, like our Mom's had to do in the 70's and early 80's...I used to do menus, cooking, food buying and kitchen work for a living, and when the kids were younger. I LIKE to do these things, so FOR RIGHT NOW I need to "take over" this area until you have healed and then we can figure out what to change up. I think me taking the decisions, spending and responsibility here will help you heal by reducing your stress and giving you more "space".
This is not a judgement of your ability, just that for right now, it's something you shouldn't need to worry about while you heal. I will get the boys involved, S2 is excited to help already, and it will be something we do together, and I can teach them this stuff."
The section I bolded sounds more aggressive than necessary to me. Maybe something a bit softer along the lines of "I'd be more than happy to step up and take on more responsibility in this area". If she wants to hand it all over to you, fine. But maybe you guys can work together on this.
I'd love to work together more in the kitchen with my W. As it is now, either I make the meal on my own, or she does. (I get home from work first, so I usually prepare dinner) She doesn't seem interested in working with me.
Cooking more was one of my 180's, as W used to do all of it. My skills are improving, I try to surprise her with new dishes here and there, and she does offer thanks and positive comments. So yes ladies, cooking H's can be made!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Wait a minute... Am I understanding you correctly that W sent the above email before you ever said a word? Wow, maybe the aliens can read our minds!
Yes, I was sitting waiting for feedback and there it was...lol. You know, pre-MLC/BD we did have one of those R's where we were somehow "linked" like this a lot of the time.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Maybe something a bit softer along the lines of "I'd be more than happy to step up and take on more responsibility in this area".
Normally, I agree, but she has been having a terrible time with deciding ANYthing these days, and I am guessing that the "open" to her decision part would stress her out right now. Most things stress her anyway right now, so I am not going to be able to get off scott free regardless, but I do want to minimize it...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
From a woman's perspective, mind you, a non-alien perspective so take what you will, I wouldn't want to be told this is because I need time to heal. This would make me feel like a failure. What I would hear is "You're broken. You're a failure. Go fix yourself and I'll fix this mess. I need to take over."
I think if you approached it as "This is something I would love to do. It would mean a lot to me if you'd let me do this for the next three months (six months, whatever timeline you want to set so she knows this is temporary) and we can see how it goes." I don't know if you even need to bring up that it has to do with budget either. Again, I could see this being taken as "You spend way too much money on food and I need to take this over because you're causing us financial stress." Her sending that email and bringing up the topic herself gives you the ability to jump in and help her without having to give much justification. She has put herself out there for help and you can now give it without making her feel bad about it. "I understand this is something you hate. It would be something I would really enjoy doing and then you could have some free time for YOU to do something you love too. It would mean a lot to me if you would support me in me doing this."
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Since I'm a SAHM, cooked vegetarian for all of us for so many years (H & I both eat some meat now) I can SO relate to your W's kitchen troubles. And my H oft complained about the amount of $ we spent on food.
I felt sensitive about being criticized in this area too even if I knew I had days where I wasn't doing as well. It still really annoys me when my boys tell my H there's not enough to eat! It's such a lot of work!
About you and your W: How are you and she currently relating in other areas?
I like what the other posters have said. Maybe if you phrase it in a way that shows you are helping her with HER job, not making it YOUR job, till she gets better and maybe there could be some working together area in the kitchen.
It has been such a joy lately to me to do some cooking with my H. He really previously found any kitchen work distasteful and has totally changed his attitude. Now it's a "we" regarding food/providing. It's SO much better.
Sometimes I wish I could talk to your W. I feel we have a lot in common.
I'm looking forward to see how this area of your sitch works out
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
That is some good stuff folks. Thanks TVS, FY, Hopper and rH!
All my "yeah, but"s don't hold water when I get the insight as to where W may be coming from and how she could interpret things...still more work for me to do there, this communicating with the other person's interpretation/perspective in mind...guess I have some books to re-review...
The hard part is that she isn't very communicative right now, so not a lot of opportunity to practice, fail and learn. With minimal risk...
This is a good lesson that when I am in "must DO/SAY something mode" to wait, re-think, etc, before doing.
I keep hearing 25yrs advice "how are you going to SHOW that the M will be different NOW than it WAS?" in my head.
So later today after seeing anymore comments I will cobble something together along the advised words here, and leave my phrasing for Plan B or Plan C.
And I do know that right now, rH, she doesn't want to work "together" too much...I frustrate myself sometimes that the manner in which I "work" has rewarded me so much in the work world, but is such a challenge on the home front...I guess too many years of "emergency fix/must do now" training/habit make it an instinct that I need to overcome and learn when apply, and when to not.
We have also learned that the awesome charter school is closing in a couple weeks, absent some financial miracle, so yet another BIG stressor (how to finish the school year, homeschool, public school, most of the charter schools have waiting lists) mixed in with the illness cycling through the house...Life can slow down and cut us some slack ANYTIME now....lol.
Thanks for your input and listening folks...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
