We talked about going to a mediator so we don't run up insane fees so I think we are going Friday she is in love with this guy
Just got cuaght up on your sitch Sunny. I am so sorry. I know how painful this is. Yes, try a mediator first if you can. I wanted that route but my W wants litigation and it is getting uglier and the fees are indeed insane. Just don't let her bully though through this process because she will try just as she has been and a good mediator should not let that happen. If you feel a sense of that then you may need another route. She may believe she is in love with this guy because it is all new, like it was with you years ago. What she does not know is that this wll go away and she will carry her issues well into this R or any others she has. You look after yourself, keep BDing. Her issues are hers to deal with. We are with you pal.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Make a list of the questions you need answers to for Friday. Well, if she thinks she's in love w/the man, there's nothing you can do but let her go and sit on the curb w/a bag of popcorn and watch the parade go by. I'm so sorry that things are going badly for you. On another note, if they get enough of each other, the affair may just die a natural death for them.Hang in there. I know it's scary and you are disgusted, but take it one day at a time.
Thanks Snod I think they are gonna end up married though she is so in love I can see it - she used to look that way for me -- Mediator Tuesday 10:00am please pray for me all
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
I just wanted to add to the above great advice to look at this as pure "business"...keep the emotions, anger, etc in check...hard in check. You're a businessman Sunny, try to treat it as as former customer taking you to court or something like that...she knows you and how to push your buttons, don't let her do that.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Tsquares thank you for not reprimanding for bringing up the affair I know I should have let it play out because now once we go to the lawyer it's pretty much a done deal I have trouble reconciling the fact of how much to take though adultery is part of the process this is so far off from her normal behavior I asked her stupidly does you having sex while married in the back of a car sound like something you would do she said its the 20th century I don't consider myself married to u anymore no remorse like she just went out and had a cup of coffee I think if I could go back to yesterday morning I would have waited to spring it on her but I have been holding so much in part of me still wants to reconcile my therapist told me you want to reconcile with the person ur wife was not what she is now I can't believe I still care but I freakin still do
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
I didn't bring up the affair because her OTHER actions (or desired actions) you reported really put the affair as a secondary concern in my mind.
-The check order, and "might as well have fun" statement -The new furniture thing -This whole wedding, in-laws thing -etc, etc
All that while "I don't consider myself married to u anymore"...oh, so she wants new furniture, and yet still wants to kick you out of the house with that new furniture for her enjoyment? This kind of stuff would be more problematic for me than the affairs at this point, no one wants to be used so blatantly, know what I mean?
There is a pattern there, imo. I can't blame you at all for reaching your limit, and maybe your sitch is one that the mlc'er needs reality to bite them hard. Idk.
In answer to your post on Hopper's thread, you aren't a meddling fool, you are doing the best you can, and add in the above stuff, well...
We are here to support you, I can't judge another for their "enough" decision, and now that you are there, I want you to be the best you can be and get what is right and fair for you and your son.
Hang in there, remember, with D, anything you say or do can/will be used against you...calm, cool, collected business man from here on out...don't play into her games and manipulations...you are better than that, and she WILL try everything in her arsenal most likely....I hope I am wrong though.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
We talked this morning about custody etc. I am kinda lucky she wants out FAST - this thing with the other guy is high power they text appx 70 - 80 times a day and speak a few times ( I have access to the cell phone account I can't see what she is saying but I can see how many texts they send ) she want out fast cuz she want to be with this man.
We live in a state where everthing is mandated so we both get what we get - there really is no other way in my state.
BTW we were also redoing the bathroom in March - not anymore LOL
I think she was unsure she could find anyone or anyone better - this man is divorced with 4 kids so she ain't with him for the money.
She is not gonna have it easy my child support payment won't be anything huge - she is gonna have to pay rent, utilies etc.
I just know NOW that I should have let it play out cuz now the ball is rolling extremely fast !!!
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
All that while "I don't consider myself married to u anymore"...oh, so she wants new furniture, and yet still wants to kick you out of the house with that new furniture for her enjoyment? This kind of stuff would be more problematic for me than the affairs at this point, no one wants to be used so blatantly, know what I mean?
She told me this morning you made me screw you because you didn't move out in March when I asked you too. -
Like you said what is done is done !! -- But T2 - the best way to save the marriage would have been to ignore it.
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
She told me this morning you made me screw you because you didn't move out in March when I asked you too. -
Complete, utter, BS...do not believe this for a nanosecond...she had a choice, she chose to use you, Sunny...just say, "That was your choice to use me, W" if it comes up again.
Keep your character, Sunny...keep to the high road. For YOU and your son.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
the best way to save the marriage would have been to ignore it.
Just thinking on this...here are my reasons to ignore (as much as possible) W's affair behavior: -For my own mental health -To keep to the high road -To not push them to the OP -To allow time for the OP to show their true colors -Take some of the "forbidden excitement" out -To confuse them <evil grin> lol -Then maybe, maybe, it just might help save the marriage
I am sure there are other reasons...
Just philosophizing here...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Sunny Man I am so sorry. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. It is like being punched in the gut. You have received some very good advice for many people.
I want you to stop for a second and just breath. I know how hard it is...but please…just stop for one second as you continue to read this.
……breath….
……breath…..
….breath….
Okay, now I want you to take a step back and as hard as it is, think of SUNNY...and SUNNY Jr. Just the two of you. Think happy thought….okay breath again…. Sunny, it will be okay! It really will be bro…It may not feel like it right now but it will. You my man, will GET THROUGH this.
Okay, I hope now you have a ton of happy thoughts going around in your head….cause I want you to be in the right frame of mind for this next topic.
Divorce
First off, I want you to consider a few things right now.
She is not your friend. The woman that you married no longer exists – she MAY be in there but who knows.
She does not have YOUR best interest in mind. She may or may not have your son best interest in mind.
She is not going to think of herself or her actions as selfish.
Trying to talk reasonably to her is NOT going to help.
VERY IMPORTANT – Stop talking to her. You can listen…but if asked for your response…a simple “I need to think about it”. My point DO NOT COMMIT to anything. When I say stop talking to her...I mean totally. This is not the time to be nice and friendly. A business like attitude is a MUST.
Quote:
remember, with D, anything you say or do can/will be used against you...calm, cool, collected business man from here on out...don't play into her games and manipulations...you are better than that, and she WILL try everything in her arsenal most likely....I hope I am wrong though
Read this ^^^^ over and over again.
Do you know what “dying on a sword”, “Martyr”, “subtle manipulation” means?
I say this because as much as you may feel that if you cave and give her everything that she just may wake up…it ain’t happening – at least not now. You really need to think about YOUR life after this. You need to think about YOUR son and YOU – NOT her.
I am not saying that you need to be an as*hole. Nope. As a matter of fact, if you think about it…by not saying a word…and I mean not one word… you can’t be a hole. I would not leave the house. Under no circumstances. That home is the home of you and your son. If you want to sell it after she leaves, fine, but not now.
Sunny, what is it that you want or better said what is it that you are willing to live with right now? Do you want 50/50 custody of your son?
If so, then how will you achieve this? How will you deal with after school stuff, day care, doctor visits….you need to have these answers READY for the mediator. The most important person here is not YOU and not HER…it is YOUR SON. FTR, I have my daughter about 55-60% of the time (she is 11), I have my middle son about 65% of the time (he is 17) and I have my oldest 100% of the time (he is 19). I say this because I am for the most part the primary care giver for the kids. It can be done. It may not feel like that right now …but it can be done. You just need to plan for it.
What days do you want your son. Personally, I would suggest that you pick two days during the week that are consistent and then every other full weekend (Friday – Mon morning). Whatever you do it needs to work for YOU and HIM. Remember these words….
“What is in the best interest of little Sunny”?
Every action you take, every decision you make…should be with “what is in the best interest of little sunny” in mind. The second decision factor should be “what is in the best interest of ME”. This should drive your choices.
Right now as hard as it will feel….”FU*K her”. That’s right….”F*ck her”. She should not matter. Her needs/wants…they should not matter. What matters is what is best for YOU and YOUR SON. You really need a plan my friend. The parent plan should be the first thing. If you need to put your son in day care, well then she should pay for half of the cost, If you want to keep your son in the home that he is in, well then she should have to pay for it (or better said, your son should not have to change his life because of HER choices). So sunny here are few questions for you… 1) What is your parenting plan? 2) What times are drop off and pick up? 3) What are your plans for the holidays? Who has your son on x-mas, x-mas eve, etc. 4) What are your plans for early dismissal from school? 5) What are you plans for after school care? 6) Birthdays? 7) Who will carry medical insurance for your son? 8) College – who will pay for it? 9) Housing, where will your son live. FTR, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP PRIMARY RESIDENCE (a legal term) UNLESS it is in the best interest of YOUR SON. 10) What about household furniture? 11) What about clothing for your son I know this may seem like a lot buddy….but if you have a sit down on Tuesday, then you need to know what you are going to want. Finally – I would NOT agree to anything unless it is truly what you want. For example, she says…I don’t want my son, you can have him. Well then your next question/comment should be…okay draft it, sign it and file it. Are you on the alt? Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
