Humor can be a diffuser for someone who not comfortable "opening up".
STFU for me means 2 things, based heavily on Sandi2's 37 rules (you do have those memorized, right? :
A: I don't initiate conversation too much, just let W know I am available...
"Hi W, want to talk, check in, whatever?" "No? Okay, you know where to find me if you do" Then I go about my business...
B: When she does come around, I stop whatever I am doing (put the book down, turn away from the computer, put the guitar down, etc) and give her full attention, validate, ask questions about whatever she is talking about, etc...basically I put any personal "agenda" aside and it's all her showtime.
So, yeah, if he initiates conversation, ask him how his weekend was, and then just listen, nod head, ask non-threatening/non-R/non-OW questions, let him divulge anything, trip himself up, etc.
Basically be available, but don't "push" to talk, initiate just for an opening, then let him drive...
Snodderly sums it up nicely:
Quote:
It's especially important to pay close attention to what the mlcer says and not offer any solutions to their problems. They need to feel "safe" w/the person they are w/in order to open up. They do not want to be judged or talked down to when they do open up. This is where acting as a friend will assist you. You have to become an "outsider" in order to do this. Pretend the mlcer is just a buddy that you see every now and then and not your spouse. If you can do this, you will have a better opportunity to have them open up at some point. Don't push the mlcer to talk! Let them initiate the dance and you follow.
Hope that helps some!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
i'd say i feel the same way about my h and I - and here i am, dbing, and sufferin succotash rite along with everyone else.
i would construe her comment to mean that she assumes (either consciously or unconsciously) that in future you guys will be interacting enough to work on how to do it- how to argue- how to "make it better" this time, etc. so, i'd think that was positive, no? working on future communications?
just my take on her comment.
otherwise - she's nuts because anyone in their right mind will take help with the dishes and be glad of it. even if it's rin tin tin doing them with his tongue. anyone that's not me- i'll take it. yay...
B: When she does come around, I stop whatever I am doing (put the book down, turn away from the computer, put the guitar down, etc) and give her full attention, validate, ask questions about whatever she is talking about, etc...basically I put any personal "agenda" aside and it's all her showtime.
i picked up phone this a.m. and was in good form- somewhere in he conversation he asked something that ended up in me responding with: "well, i have trouble switching gears - you go away for 3wks and it's a long time and i force myself to get serious about getting used to not having you in my life - then you call and i'm supposed to be able to turn on the charm and want to talk to you. it's wierd and not easy for me to do.
he didn't commen6t on that- just proceeded and we had an okay conversation- chatty - lite, etc.
is that wierd or what and was i sounding needy . i said it in a very offhand way- smile in my voice - nothing heavy. it just accidentally slipped out because it was the answer to his query.
cripes- i despair of getting this casual inscrutible thing down pat.
I did encourage him to talk - i did pay attention & respond in cheery & not-ramblie fashion. i swear - i'm tryin here.
then i think i said the wong thing - and feels futile. do we get "punished" for not being perfect?
i do let HIM call here- i sure am bad at this not feeling allowed TO want company when i want company- \\ \yeah - i do come here or find a friend, BUT........you sure sound very good at putting aside your own needs & "agenda".
I have to "take control" of the kitchen/cooking/menu/grocery shopping very soon due to the tax changes and health insurance premium rise...basically that killed what little slack we had in the budget...the trick for me is to do so without being controlling, coming off as controlling (one of those 180's of mine) and without damaging W's fragile self-esteem right now.
So here is what I am thinking of saying:
"W, you have told me several times recently that you do not like working in the kitchen, cooking or grocery shopping right now, that it is stressful to you. I have heard you.
Due to the tax and insurance changes, the family needs to stretch the food budget, like our Mom's had to do in the 70's and early 80's...I used to do menus, cooking, food buying and kitchen work for a living, and when the kids were younger. I LIKE to do these things, so FOR RIGHT NOW I need to "take over" this area until you have healed and then we can figure out what to change up. I think me taking the decisions, spending and responsibility here will help you heal by reducing your stress and giving you more "space".
This is not a judgement of your ability, just that for right now, it's something you shouldn't need to worry about while you heal. I will get the boys involved, S2 is excited to help already, and it will be something we do together, and I can teach them this stuff."
So that's how I want to lead this off, any thoughts?
Hopefully she'll be all for it...but since this was/is (idk her current status here) a control issue for her, I have to be prepared for resistance...and then any suggestions how to proceed?
Ya know, the rational, business side of me is just shaking it's head that this is even an issue, for an H to take over these duties...but the other side can understand her...she even has said, both verbally and via email, "I'm a SAHM, its my job, why can't I get into it and just do it?"...
Anyway, comments, tips, etc appreciated as always. T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I was planning on emailing whatever I end up saying first, while I'm at work, so she has time to process and get used to the idea, before verbally discussing (yup, done learned that lesson, I have).
Getting the kids involved is a priority, I am SOOOO thankful to my Mom for teaching me how to cook, clean, do laundry...she wanted to make sure that I wouldn't be one of those guys who was dependent on a woman to take care of him...
Hmmm...now THAT has certainly come in handy the past few years...lol. And I had a nice early career cooking, and a lifetime hobby/joy.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Can you come cook at my house? This woman you married is sadly missing out on a man who is able to take care of himself in so many ways! She obviously doesn't see how lucky she is! You are a RARE commodity! :-)
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Well TVS, a lot of budget savings can be made in the menu process, for example:
Meal 1 - Pork Chops with mushroom sauce, steamed veggies, baked lentils with cheese, rice. While prepping, make extra so you have leftovers, and prep extra for next meal.
Meal 2 - From many of the previous leftovers, and pre-prepped...Pork Fried rice (diced pork chops, the extra rice and veggies from meal 1), Egg Rolls, Hot'n'Sour mushroom soup.
Etc. Do it right and you reduce prepping for the next meal, and, typically I would have 2 nights a week of free-for-all left-overs, so no cooking. And since W is a vegetarian, I always try to plan so I make stuff she can eat, and I love vegetarian food as well. Which is another budget saver, adding in more vegetarian meals and dishes, especially since animal protein seems to be getting very expensive quickly. Hope the midwest breaks its drought...
Also, when shopping, stick to the "outside" ring of the store (the fresh stuff like produce, meat, etc), minimize the center (the boxed, bagged processed stuff)...cooking from scratch and raw ingredients is always cheaper than the convenience foods.
And use the flyers to find the specials, grocery stores, especially the major ones, have their "loss leaders" in the flyers to get you in, and hope you buy the higher priced things along the way (I worked for a fortune 50 grocer for a while, they are very scientific about how to lighten your wallet or purse. You know those discount/club cards everyone pushes on you? They serve an additional purpose not necessarily for your advantage...lol).
I have always meant to get around to writing a cookbook from my sous-chef/cook days...I have tons of my recipes from 6 different cuisines filed away...one of these days, lol. I Have too much on my plate right now (bwaa-hahaha, I crack me up)!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
"i hate the kitchen ..!!!! and it got bad again because i'm sick... and i still don't feel i cook enough ...that they eat cereal and crap way too much.... it's so hard"
So should I roll with what I wrote above? Either she's onto this forum and who I post as, or this is an opening or segue from heaven...lol.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
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