What if this is as good as it gets ????

[SunnyBurst]

Here is my last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2309850&page=1

Hey all been a while since I been here. You all know we spent Xmas together it didn’t lead to much. She also came to my brothers house on New Years Eve with me but at midnight she ran in the other room so fast and completely ignored me for the rest of night.

Things have been friendly at home – but still this horrible lonely emptiness – she is still on the couch – still going out very late. Still smoking up a storm.

I have been working out very hard, working very hard, taking good care of my son and the house as much as I can anyway. I am working 2 jobs.

I go out on weekends to – I hate doing it but I won’t just sit around waiting for her anymore.

I mentioned I go to therapy (not my DB coach who I haven’t used since Oct) and my therapist wants me to start addressing the relationship I told her it is against DB principles but she said I agree with a lot of it – it is not working.

There are 3 things my therapist wants me to address
1- She got a wedding invitation from her cousin it was addressed Mrs. XXXXX XXXXX & Guest – she thinks this is rude and inappropriate since we are still married. Her parents, her sister and her husband and her other sister are coming up the last week of March and staying in the house to go to the wedding they are going to the wedding in New Jersey and staying at the hotel the wedding is at overnight she told me I have to stay home to watch our son.

2- She also just ordered 1500 checks for our joint checking account we pay 98% of our bills online – so why so many checks.

3 - We are looking at new furniture.

Like I said I don’t want to address these things and just act like everything is normal. She feels that me taking this abusive behavior is very bad and I have to start standing up for myself.

Is it time for a new therapist – I pray all the time in October I prayed to God that He guide her and I would do whatever she tells me – I needed one person to listen to and I was getting to confused – is God telling me to address these things through her ??? I tell her this is all from the MLC play book but she says you can’t use that stuff for everything.

Thanks for listening I appreciate any advice,

Sunny

[job]

Hey Sunny!
I do have to agree w/your therapist that is extremely rude to address a wedding invitation to your wife and guest, especially when you are still married and living under the same roof.

If her family didn't want you at the wedding in Florida, why are they now coming to the home and staying there? Is she planning for you to stay in a hotel or what? When did she become your mother and tell you that you have to stay home and watch your son? I realize you love being w/your son, but your wife shouldn't dictate what you should or shouldn't do. I think I would have had to call her on that one.

Well, it's interesting that she's ordered that many checks since you do most of your bill paying on line. Maybe she's forgotten that you do that or maybe she's planning an escape and is going to use checks. You know, when they act like teenagers, they tend to forget that you have to have money in the account and writing checks doesn't mean it's a bottomless money pit.

Why are you looking at new furniture right now? Don't you want to be sure that the two of you are going to be living under the same roof for while? Many times the mlcer wants to go on shopping sprees and then ups and leaves. I don't know about this one, but if you are working two jobs, this little venture would be put on the back burner for a while to see how things go.

I do have to agree w/your therapist...you do not need to be your wife's punching bag, i.e., the abusive behavior. I do think you need to do some 180's and just let her know that enough is enough.

Sunny, there comes a time when you do have to take a stand and if money is tight, you shouldn't go along w/her idea of purchasing furniture and I would definitely question her about the check order. As for her family coming to stay in your home...a hotel would be where they would stay after what happened with the Florida wedding.

If something isn't working, try something else. The most damage you can do is she move out. Right now, that probably wouldn't be such a bad idea because she's got it made in the shade while you are doing all of the work. She's cake eating.

[hrm134]

Hi Sunny! I'd like to start by saying Snodderly always gives good advice, also I think you need to take a moment and breath.

You said that you have been praying for guidance, like with your counselor/therapist, and who to listen to.... I wonder if you are listening to the answers you are getting from God. I say this because I know EXACTLY what you mean, I've prayed the same things. You will know when the answers truly come from God, you will feel it.

Sometimes in conversations with H I may have not been very DB, or did/said exactly what my counselor said to, but I always did the best I could and what I felt I needed to. Yeah, I may have yelled at him a few times, and that might not have been the best, but I'm human and well, sometimes they need a reality check, they sometimes need to see we are NOT as ok as it appears all the time, this does affect us, and it freaking svcks.

I remember knowing H was going to want to have a talk several months ago, I remember praying in the shower, asking God to give me the words to say, and he did, because without His guidance, I have NO idea what I would have said, but it just came to me.

Also, sometimes we have to be still and wait, that's a hard one, and one I have to do a lot of right now, it really is a balancing act sometimes Sunny.

I agree with Snodderly, the issues you pointed out need to be addressed, you just need to remember she will get pissed, probably even super pissed, but that's ok. Teenagers don't like to think about other people, so it's expected.

Just keep breathing Sunny, and being the best you for you! You Rock!!!

[SunnyBurst]

>>>>>>>>>>>Hey Sunny!
I do have to agree w/your therapist that is extremely rude to address a wedding invitation to your wife and guest, especially when you are still married and living under the same roof.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Thanks Snodderly but how do I address this ???

>>>>>>>>>>If her family didn't want you at the wedding in Florida, why are they now coming to the home and staying there? Is she planning for you to stay in a hotel or what? When did she become your mother and tell you that you have to stay home and watch your son? I realize you love being w/your son, but your wife shouldn't dictate what you should or shouldn't do. I think I would have had to call her on that one.<<<<<<<<<<

No actually they are all staying out our house but the night of the wedding they are all staying at the hotel the wedding is at – they want me to stay home with my son. Her family staying over without me making a big stink is a huge 180 for me I would carry on like a butthead whenever they would stay so it’s something that really hurt her.

>>>>>>>>>>>Why are you looking at new furniture right now? Don't you want to be sure that the two of you are going to be living under the same roof for while? Many times the mlcer wants to go on shopping sprees and then ups and leaves. I don't know about this one, but if you are working two jobs, this little venture would be put on the back burner for a while to see how things go.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I agree I just told her we spent so much money already I need to wait a while but I want to say why did we put in the kitchen and looking at furniture if we are splittling up – also not sure what to say to address this ---

>>>>>>>>>I do have to agree w/your therapist...you do not need to be your wife's punching bag, i.e., the abusive behavior. I do think you need to do some 180's and just let her know that enough is enough. Sunny, there comes a time when you do have to take a stand and if money is tight, you shouldn't go along w/her idea of purchasing furniture and I would definitely question her about the check order. As for her family coming to stay in your home...a hotel would be where they would stay after what happened with the Florida wedding. If something isn't working, try something else. The most damage you can do is she move out. Right now, that probably wouldn't be such a bad idea because she's got it made in the shade while you are doing all of the work. She's cake eating. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I find it funny that when I came here I couldn’t keep my mouth shut now I am afraid to say anything – and I am SCARED OUT OF MY MIND to address her on this stuff. I just don’t know how to approach any of this – she was outside on the phone last night at 11:30 last night – so prolly now there is another man involved to – I am just so sick of this $hit already – thanks for any advice you can lend.

Sunny

[SunnyBurst]

Hi Sunny! I'd like to start by saying Snodderly always gives good advice, also I think you need to take a moment and breath.
You said that you have been praying for guidance, like with your counselor/therapist, and who to listen to.... I wonder if you are listening to the answers you are getting from God. I say this because I know EXACTLY what you mean, I've prayed the same things. You will know when the answers truly come from God, you will feel it.
Sometimes in conversations with H I may have not been very DB, or did/said exactly what my counselor said to, but I always did the best I could and what I felt I needed to. Yeah, I may have yelled at him a few times, and that might not have been the best, but I'm human and well, sometimes they need a reality check, they sometimes need to see we are NOT as ok as it appears all the time, this does affect us, and it freaking svcks.

I remember knowing H was going to want to have a talk several months ago, I remember praying in the shower, asking God to give me the words to say, and he did, because without His guidance, I have NO idea what I would have said, but it just came to me.

Also, sometimes we have to be still and wait, that's a hard one, and one I have to do a lot of right now, it really is a balancing act sometimes Sunny.

I agree with Snodderly, the issues you pointed out need to be addressed, you just need to remember she will get pissed, probably even super pissed, but that's ok. Teenagers don't like to think about other people, so it's expected.

Just keep breathing Sunny, and being the best you for you! You Rock!!!

Thanks HRM - I guess it's time to address things but I have gotten so good at just ignoring her - now that I press her she might run away and I am afraid of that I don't want to get divorced I want to stay married and I want to see my son everyday. I have been lacking in my praying too stupid me I just start to feel so hopeless sometimes I am busy and stuff making a life but I still feel like I want my wife back really bad. Thank you for your help I appreciate it

Sunny

[job]

Sunny,
Whether you say something or not, if she opts to run away, she will. She's using all of her "tools" to keep you hoping and doing what she wants because she knows that you'll do everything humanly possible to keep her happy and in the home.

You need to think about when is a good time to just sit down and have a nice chat. I would start out discussing the check order. I would thank her for ordering checks, but why did she order so many and then point out that you aren't using many checks these days because of online bill payment. Be sure to acknowledge that she order them and thank her for it.

As for her family. If they are staying at a hotel, that's one thing, but I would tell her that as much as you love to spend time w/your son, you thought it would nice if your family had some time w/him while they were in town. You'll have to be creative on this one. But I would let her know that you may have plans yourself and a sitter would need to be arranged or she take the child with her. You do not want to be the "babysitter" every time she decides she's going out.

Pray on this before you do it. God always has a way of openning the door so that you can have the conversation. Remain cool, calm and collected and no arguing. State the facts and go from there. Do not allow her to goad you into an argument. Man up, back straight and it's a business negotiation going on. Keep the emotions out of it.

[SunnyBurst]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Whether you say something or not, if she opts to run away, she will. She's using all of her "tools" to keep you hoping and doing what she wants because she knows that you'll do everything humanly possible to keep her happy and in the home.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Oh is that what it is I was wondering why she is not leaving she obviously doesn't love me anymore

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>You need to think about when is a good time to just sit down and have a nice chat. I would start out discussing the check order. I would thank her for ordering checks, but why did she order so many and then point out that you aren't using many checks these days because of online bill payment. Be sure to acknowledge that she order them and thank her for it.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Ok thanks

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>As for her family. If they are staying at a hotel, that's one thing, but I would tell her that as much as you love to spend time w/your son, you thought it would nice if your family had some time w/him while they were in town. You'll have to be creative on this one. But I would let her know that you may have plans yourself and a sitter would need to be arranged or she take the child with her. You do not want to be the "babysitter" every time she decides she's going out.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I never used to let her spend time with her family without me being there I would give her a hard time - but this is a wedding and I feel like I should be going with her - I don't understand why she continues to have no problem embarassing me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Pray on this before you do it. God always has a way of openning the door so that you can have the conversation. Remain cool, calm and collected and no arguing. State the facts and go from there. Do not allow her to goad you into an argument. Man up, back straight and it's a business negotiation going on. Keep the emotions out of it.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

MAN UP - geezz I went from being Atilla the Hun to Pocahontas don't understand why I am so afraid to speak up thanks

[job]

You are afraid that she will bolt. It's understandable. However, you can't allow her to treat you like the bug exterminator either. Pick a time that appears good to have a chat and do it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. At least she'll become aware of how you feel about things. Don't be surprised if she gets angry or acts all defensive...it's the normal behavior for mlcers. Stay cool, calm and collected. Do not raise your voice...keep your voice even and calm.

[SunnyBurst]

You are afraid that she will bolt. It's understandable. However, you can't allow her to treat you like the bug exterminator either. Pick a time that appears good to have a chat and do it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. At least she'll become aware of how you feel about things. Don't be surprised if she gets angry or acts all defensive...it's the normal behavior for mlcers. Stay cool, calm and collected. Do not raise your voice...keep your voice even and calm.

Do you think I should say $hit or get off the pot - why are you planning a future with me when you want to seperate ??? This is what I was thinking.

[job]

No, you do not want to say those things. If you do, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and she will then really think about bolting. Keep to the facts 1) ordering a large number of checks; 2) furniture purchase; and 3) the wedding and you being told that you are to babysit son.

Nothing more than those things right now.