Studies in Feral Cats, part 5

[TSquared2]

Thank you Snodderly!

J- You will. Give yourself time. You will.

Idk, I guess when I realized that W's MLC was a defining moment in MY life, and our kids', I realized that I had to decide what I was going to make it be...what did I want to think about it 20 years from now? What do I want my kids to think about how I handled it, now, and 20 years from now? And W?

You have to define this for yourself and your kids, define what kind of man your are, and are going to model for your kids, then the rest starts falling into place and you know what to do, what to find within yourself. You can't fix W, but you can fix and build YOU, better than before.

[JBolt]

That was one important thing I told my self when I finally accepted what she was telling me and decided to move out. I want my kids to say that their dad did the best job he could for them. I'm trying to live up to that every d@mn day.
J.

[TSquared2]

I'm trying to live up to that every d@mn day.
J.

And you will!!

[nero]

hey hi-

i think you're on to something. i've wondered many a time how the heck we never argued for 35 years- now i'mt hinking maybe we should have been. certainly for past ten when things were gettin wierd (and h was getting wierd).

anyway- i too (and h) always avoid the conflict- we've not-fought ourselves into some corner and don't know if we'll ever get out.

i totally lack the phrases & technique to control a conflict or conversation. or even begin one in a constructive way. it's become apparent- i ALWAYS lose. it's just a given. i don't think either of us admire that. i'm not good at saying "i want this"or that.

i don't chuck my opinion or stand- i just don't prevail - ever.

maybe that's something about me i can work on- where the heck to begin? have a suggestion maybe? neither of us want to push around the other guy- so we end up just letting him/her go - it's wierd. cripes...

[Raine]

I've always felt if their were no arguments someone is lying. I've heard people say that before about their marriage and I've thought someone is very selfish and someone is very giving, and that's not healthy. Their should be conflict. Men and women are so different. But we can learn to communicate without hurting each other.

[nero]

i hope you're rite.

I have no idea how i will ever get this guy to talk. he's said a million times he liked that i talk and he doesn't have to.

you are right i guess- he is a liar and i'm a talker/giver.

I wonder tho- finding this out after SOOOO many years (35) what the heck does it mean? can it change- or really will i be wasting yet more years of my life on a r not worth it. (conclusion i'm coming to)

this has shaken my faith in him as a person rite down to the core- perhaps he is not a good person & worth it?

maybe i'm a block head and every single time he said something ratty & wiseguy - that he posed as "teasing" and i took that way - when it was actually "truth" and he knew and i didn't.

possibly i've been deluded my entire life- so now-

i don't know- thanks for comments- i think you're rite. maybe i'm just "too late" in finding out who he is REALLY.

IT'S a hell of a long time to be mistaken about this guy...

(also begs the question what the heck has he been doing keeping me there with lies????? who the heck would want such a doofis - if that's what i was and he knew it all along.... what the heck does that make him if that's as high as he aspires? (i mean, i think i'm really special - but what the heck is he doing in this r for so long if i've just been his "patsy" -) one sure has to wonder..

boy - oh - boy- what a pile of spagetti my life & brain is at this moment.

xxo

[TSquared2]

Hi Nero,

I like what Hopper said about conflict, and I think actually BOTH persons can be too giving and too selfish, I think W and I traded roles there depending on the issue.

I think that you were NOT mistaken about your H for most of those years, it's just that now, someone else is in his body and mind and who knows which H is going to prevail in the end.

Sometimes I think the angry spew stage is like some uncontrollable out pouring of everything they had held inside since, well, they were kids or so. They never learned how to have a constructive argument, and neither did we, even though, in my case, I could at work in the duty of my job, but at home with W? Heck no! The closeness and deep personalness made it too risky I imagine, for me to have the confidence that I have at work.

There are a lot of communication websites and all out there, nero. Even in the head of the mlc forum I believe there is a communication tips post from one of the coaches. I started working on my conflict and communication skills with my co-workers and customers, good practice. Then I slowly worked it into my dealings with W, lots of trial and error, and personal stress due to the fact I risked her leaving or crazy spewing or something unpleasant, but it was a good growing pain...

Take a lot of deep breathes, have you tried meditating? I recommend this meditation they use for vets with PTSD, seems to work well, just google "Be still and know exercise". It helps me, and 2 of my kids use it as well. Also, check out EFT or "tapping", lots of free follow along videos on youtube.

Write things out, make lists of what you want in life (aside from H coming to his senses), what things you need to improve about you, and how you are going to get those things...make a plan, nero, make a plan, write it out...that will help with the spaghetti brain...how do you disentangle and eat a plate of spaghetti? One noodle at a time....


T^2

[TSquared2]

I found the tips for communication in my scrape and paste DB library...

Here ya go!

I had a caller ask me about the specifics about what helps make communication more positive and productive. And as a coach, it reminded me that going back to some important basics might boost your talks with your spouse. Michele calls these the “Ground Rules for Constructive Conversations”.

1. Use “I” messages.
For example, instead of saying, “You get me angry” say “I get angry when you do ‘X’
or
“You’re trying to hurt my feelings” say I get hurt when you say ‘X’”

2. No mind reading. Try not to tell someone what they are thinking or feeling.
Examples: “You did that to get back at me”
“I know you how you’re feeling”
“It’s obvious you’re in a bad mood”

3. Remember that you or your spouse’s feelings are neither wrong or right. So, if you are one that tells your spouse what they “should” or “should not” feel a certain way, try hard to take that out of your conversation!

4. Leave the past in the past. Bringing up “old stuff” can leave the blamed one with a sense of “why try” because they know they cannot fix the past. Focus on the present, more viable issue.

5. Avoid “always” or “nevers”. These are adjectives that also invite hopelessness or a “why try” attitude because they communicate to your spouse that any positive attempts they have made have been totally overlooked and/or disregarded.

6. “Whys” can be heard as judgments or put-downs. “Why didn’t you take out the garbage?” “Why do you always have to do it that way?” “Why can’t you be nicer to me?” Can you sense the attacking mode? That will more likely invite a defensive response, right?

Remember to stick to the point and be concrete in your discussions. It probably goes without saying to avoid name-calling, right? And if one of you needs a time out, then please allow each other that breather.

And here’s my favorite one from Michele: Unless he or she is deaf, then he or she has heard you! Instead of constantly repeating the same thing over and over, trust that your spouse has heard you the first time. It might be a good idea to make your point, then let it go. As Michele suggests, in the following days watch to see if your request or concern has been acted upon. When someone feels less pressured or controlled (and that can happen when one feels nagged), they are more willing to respond to the request. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!

[nero]

tsq

even though, in my case, I could at work in the duty of my job, but at home with W? Heck no! The closeness and deep personalness made it too risky I imagine, for me to have the confidence that I have at work.

i find it alot easier in a professional setting as well- everything. it's sooo well-defined and just easier.

thanks for the communication & meditation (typed medication - freudian?? or what) info - in your other post- i'm copying it to save. you recommended something once before i lik3d and printed. got to go find it. maybe constructive conflict management info (everything i own has been lost during last two years - no kidding)

marbles mostly.

when you were talking about spew - i was thinking this h of mine never has "talked" and never really "spews". BUT THEN - NEWS FLASH POSSIBLY- sooo, would several years of being itchie & scratchie & critical & confrontational and me (of course) going toe to toe - is that SPEW? TOO. when i hear it i envision someons standing there letting loose. he just was a miserable stinking edgie crab alllll the time. i walked on eggs - i never thought of that as same thing- but whattyathink?

i think in retrospect he was just trying to make me fight so he could tell himself i'm awful - and we're really unhappy- because he knew what he was doing & treasonous - and i was entirely clueless...guilt? but could it be spew ? or is that something else entirely?

or is this just caught up in the words and doesn't matter a bit. i do like lables & follwoing the rules & guidelines

i do need to breath - i'm going to go have a fast walk & burn it off- best thing. well, that and paint. i paint walls lke mad.

I think actually BOTH persons can be too giving and too selfish, I think W and I traded roles there depending on the issue.

maybe us too- it's hard to look back and winkle out every single little tiny rivelet & stream. here am i on the edge of an ocean- (i'm a lousy swimmer btw) -

i still fear inciting a riot - i hate feeling the aftermath of jumbled feelings & hurt after i get "whammed" (or so it feels). maybe i'm a big martyr? no objectivity- avoidance today for me.

you know- this make a plan. i find it difficult- i loosely want to feel happy and calm in life. i need a job "in the end" i know- don't dread it - dread finding it. something will turn up. might need to walk away- no guts yet for that. i don't know what else to plan about or for.

i've never been much of a "lifes plan" kinda gal- i'm a stinkin floater - aquarian. peace - love & happiness man.

got none- i am BREATHING -i'll go walk & printout the tips & study- if i can learn something new- i feel waaay better- thanks. need that man input sometimes-

ug - man with bumps(woman) like...

[nero]

t sq

hate to be a pest - but here's what i'm needing man point of view on this a..m..

I thought maybe it was you who said h uses humor to broach a very touchy subject - not necessarily to ridicule - but to ease into it (his e-mail yesterday about want to yell at me today or tomorrow).

so- this business of me being in nj and him in fl. he sees ow. i know it- don't feel the overwhelming distress i used to-

BUT - WHEN he's going to her- with her- just back from there, honestly- i don't' want to "chit chat" with him, i don't want to know him. the longer he is away- the harder it becomes to look forward to seeing him. i hate that he chooses to have that aspect to his life and i cannot put a good face on it.

what the heck? does he think i'm gonna ask what he did for his weekend? get laid maybe, you see how icky i get how quickly.

what's your call? talk or stfu til i'm under strict control?

i'm thinking latter - but wonder if i'm disregarding some olive branch and being a jerk. (tho, mind you, this olive branch in no way inplies any cessation of ea).

whattyasay?

when he calls or e-mails - am i "supposed" to reply - is it good form to do so? if i don't want to hear his voice should i really force myself to rise above this and do it- make the gesture in response to his gesture?

whattyathink about that junk. it plagues me.

i'm a nice guy- i try to be -