I think no matter where we are at in our journey, it is hard to detach but still observe. To look for signs, but not have expectations.
I'm starting to believe we all detach as much as we need to, no more, no less... kinda go with the flow, just like a good fighter. Sure, we may miss a block or forget to duck occasionally and take a hit, but we come back smarter and stronger every time.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I like that FY, I think we may all end up body builders by the end though! Lol
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Quick update...for my records and anyone wanting to see what is in the mind of a mlc'er climbing out of the tunnel...
So after xmas W went back within, as posted earlier. This weekend she let me in on what is going on within her via email. As Snodderly and the vets say, the answers DO come, just be patient.
She is wrestling with/within herself about the kids and what she does (the effects of the depression/processing): "the worst about this feeling is not being able to get stuff done and enjoy them more... spend time with them... and both of those are my main issues with myself right now "
And also within was this: "he is moving beyond his childhood right now and that makes me sad and he was a pre-teen during these last 4 years when i vacated... and i had chances to do more with him but didn't ..now he's different and it makes me so sad"
I feel so bad for her that she has these thoughts and feelings. I just validated and told her I trusted that she would figure things out for herself, and that I trusted that she would let me know if there was something I could do to help.
There was only one thing regarding me, and, I swear she has a PTSD-like reaction to certain things that places her back to a time in the past and her feelings then...I was discussing what to do about the much UN-needed paycheck reduction this year, and I said things like "I'm considering doing X", "I'm thinking about Y"...just brain-storming, and she interpreted that as us dis-agreeing when she didn't like X or Y and it dredged up feelings and re-actions in her from our past. I did get a chance to re-affirm that I was just tossing ideas out, etc, but I don't like that she spent a couple days thinking/feeling that we had some financial disagreement when we didn't, so I need to keep this PTSD-like reaction in mind going forward so that I am more clear. Or maybe not, maybe this is what she needs to do to learn how to live in the present...idk.
Otherwise, nominal to profile, as much as can be...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, Patience will get you from point X to point Z, but it's a very slow process when they are slowly, but surely processing everything. So, I'm asking you to dig deeper for patience and understanding right now.
Your wife is still very fragile and she's still trying to understand things that may have happened in the past. She may very well be comparing her own childhood situation w/the way that she's handled her own children's childhoods. Some day, she will tell you about it, but you've got to be patient.
I know you weren't too happy that she spent several days mulling over the financial situation, but relax, they do this because they are starting to see life w/o the rose colored glasses. Has she always done this before even when she was in the fog or was this a new reaction for her?
Hang in there. You are doing great...try not to get too impatient...your wife is actually further along than I thought she would be at this time. Just remember, you are trying to get a skittish kitten to come to you and you know how hard that is at times!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just validated and told her I trusted that she would figure things out for herself, and that I trusted that she would let me know if there was something I could do to help.
Thank you for sharing this post and quotes from the email. It is SO encouraging to the rest of us. You are doing great. I'm sure you never pictured the positive changes in yourself that have come from this journey with your W. Yes, I know, we each have our own "journey" ...but there is the one together too. You are an incredibly kind, understanding and patient man. Yet, maintaining the core of masculinity, support and detachment. Nice!
I can't wait till your W wakes up totally.
The male friend I called last week (long time friend of H & I) said "rH, don't put a timeline on it. If it took three years and it was the best thing that ever happened to you, wouldn't you wait? Just roll with it, work on yourself and be there for him."
I think the timelines are good to re-evaluate ourselves and if we want to go on helping our mate. But, when we see steps in healing, we have to be patient and wait and grow and learn. And like you said, T^2, long ago, maybe it's why we were put in our spouse's lives. It helps both of us
Hope you have a great week!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thank you! I think she has always done this, what may be new is her ability to identify what she is feeling and thinking, and not jumping to any one black or white conclusion, if that makes sense. She does have difficulty letting go of the past, always has.
Funny how whenever my patience cup gets low, something is done or said to fill it back up with understanding...I'm glad I'm a "the cup is half full, not half empty" kinda guy these days....
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I read from your sitch that you are perking along yourself and creating your own waves!
Just a small last thing from W's emails:
W:i'm sorry i dumped on you... i don't feel good about that because i don't want to make you feel bad or give you my problems and i'm trying to work things out for myself...
Me:It's okay, sometimes people need to do that...and I have learned what to do with it now, whereas before I didn't and took things too personally and whatever...that is past. You are important to me. You will work things out.
And she did talk/dump to me in person yesterday, sought me out even..lol. I got some answers inadvertantly to some questions I had about some recent behavior...I didn't ask or bring it up at all, she just said it on her own. Maybe she is aware of what I might be thinking about it or how it might look, idk. A small thing, but a nice thing regardless.
I'm just flowing along, que sera, sera ...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, Every day is is a new one and your w is starting to feel a bit more like herself and feel safe around you. She's still a bit fragile, but you are giving her the much needs space and showing her that she has a safe place to land.
You responded appropriately to her email. Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I continue to be super impressed with your coping skills and ability to not let W's issues become about you. I'm not there quite yet, but I want to be, I really, really want to be. J.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
