From The Twilight Zone

[MrBond]

Your kids are old enough to recognize a snow job when they see one. What did YOU do to make Christmas memorable? You don't need a tree, you don't need gifts. In fact you could have done things that don't require a single dime. You could have taken them all hiking for a family get together. Maybe a Christmas picnic with simple sandwiches. You could have taken pictures of everyone and printed them for 30 cents each at Walgreens. Whatever.

YOU have the power to make it great and memorable.

[job]

Tad,
Christmas is not all about gift giving. It is about being w/and enjoying family. It's about reconnecting w/those you haven't heard from in the last year or even longer. It's the quality time that you spend w/your sons. I'm sure your sons have a very good idea of what is going on and understand that money is tight and you are doing the best you can.

As Mr. Bond pointed out, your sons are old enough to know a snow job when they see one. Mr. Bond also gave you some very good ideas that you and your sons could do over the holidays w/o spending a cent.

Tad, what are you and your sons going to do this weekend or even to go a bit further...for New Years Eve/Day?

[seeking answers]

Tad,

I agree that you did make this about you. You are the one who let your ex steal the joy out of the season for you. So, you couldn't afford to get your kids any material things, well they are old enough to understand that you provide a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and someone that is consistently there for them. I'm sure it means the world to them.

As far as gifts go, since you're a writer you could have put pen to paper and written to each son about how special they are to you and how proud you are of them, and blessed to be their Dad. Words from the heart cost nothing, but are priceless...

[tadpole1025]

You are all right. I did make it about me and I did feel like sh!t, but I am glad that they atleast got something.

New Year's Eve was a little rough. It always is because it was December 31, 1984 that I knew that I loved her. It seemed to bother me a little more this year.

X brought S18 home tonight. On the way she stopped at McDonald's and got him something and something for S20 and S22. She also bought a burger and fries for ME.

I guess I'll never understand any of this.

Tad

[25yearsmlc]

You are all right. I did make it about me and I did feel like sh!t, but I am glad that they atleast got something.

New Year's Eve was a little rough. It always is because it was December 31, 1984 that I knew that I loved her.


THEN change how you see that day/evening!

Are you telling us you never ever celebrated it? So the ONLY memory you have for New Year's Eve is all about how you felt for her, back then??

Come on Tad....stop wallowing.

Create a new memory if you have to===and we all have.

Put a new 'groove' into your memory lane so you can stop ONLY thinking about her. This is wacky. And I've run out of metaphors for you Tad...

It seemed to bother me a little more this year.

X brought S18 home tonight. On the way she stopped at McDonald's and got him something and something for S20 and S22. She also bought a burger and fries for ME.

TAD Tad, Tad, Tad

Okay, this is not confusing. And when you look at it with even just a touch of detachment, you'll see why.

it would have been overtly rude for her to buy food for ALL the family members except you.

No way would she make herself out to be that type of person, especially in front of the boys. (And honestly, who would be that rude at this stage of the game?)


IF she'd gotten everyone there something to eat, EXCEPT you, I'm positive that you'd be here saying what a crazy mean witch she is.

YET when she does the decent, thoughtful thing, she still can't win w/you,
b/c she's sending a 'crazy" mixed signal...which you say you will "never understand..." well, so what? You might not ever get it. Haven't you spent enough years now wondering and has it gotten you anywhere?

This is not an important eternal mystery or theological question for the ages...

She wants to be married to OM.

For some time now, that's been her decision, which is publicly known by all relevant parties...but she'd like to have a decent, at least civil r with you. You are the father of her sons AND you were together for decades.

This^^^ is NOT unusual.

IMO, having a civil r with you will make everyone's life easier... especially your son's lives....

no more "Storm cloud" of Tad-Dad, hovering and him feeling like crap, everytime their mother seems the least bit kind or happy...

If she ever wanted to come back to you, given what she knows of you, she'd be very clear. No mystery then, and none now.


My former bil wanted to do lunch with ME, his soon to be FORMER sil...b/c we "had been close". This was maybe 3 months after the bomb... He didn't see why I would not do that while my sister's heart was broken. (He and I may have been "close" -- but what we really had in common, was my sister.)

Let this/her go! I bet that phrase has been said to you a total of about maybe 10 times per week, so that = 70 x a week, x 4 for each week of the month, 280 times per month, = 3360 a year, for 2+ years now. That's us telling you almost 7000 times

to let it/her go. I still say it.

I guess I'll never understand any of this.

Tad

maybe you won't...and that won't kill you, Tad. What might waste more CHUNKS of your life

is still asking "WHY?????" It simply does not matter.

[Kimmerz]

Hey Tad,
I think I can identify....

With XW doing nice things out of the blue, it causes insult to injury!

Hells bells I live with that from my XH all the time. It drives me bonkers.

I think you're still grieving over the loss of your marriage. She pans out more than a person that's truly grieving can handle. Also like she's died, but consistently haunting you. Believe me I totally understand.

Tad, I know you want to move on from this perpetual hell you're in over this situation. Have you really thought about what YOU NEED in order to heal?

Think about it. You're injured and trying to heal, yet your wounds keep getting poked. What do you need in order to heal, and what do you think you can do for yourself to help you heal?

Work on that self esteem guy! Your head and heart aren't in the right place. Your heart and head need to realize that you are so much better than this, and that you don't need any of the B.S. anymore.

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, I was 14 years old when this was released, It meant a lot to me then and still does, imo it’s by far the best song by Ringo Starr. Check it out

Love
Delboy


Lyrics by: Ringo Starr & George Harrison, 1973

‘Photograph’

Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore

I thought I'd make it, the day you went away
But I can't make it, 'til you come home again to stay-ay-ay
I can't get used to living here
While my heart is broke, my tears I cry for you
I want you here to have and hold
As the years go by and we grow old and grey

Now you're expecting me to live without you
But that's not something, that I'm looking forward to-oo-oo
I can't get used to living here
While my heart is broke, my tears I cry for you
I want you here to have and hold
As the years go by and we grow old and grey

Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore
Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore
Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore

[ericmsant2]

What might waste more CHUNKS of your life

is still asking "WHY?????" It simply does not matter.

'Nuff said up there ^^

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, just my reply to Kimmerz's quote:
'Also like she's died, 'but consistently haunting you'.

‘There’s A Ghost In My House’
First released in the mid 60’s and re-released in 1974 in the UK

Written by: Holland/Dozier/Holland/ R Dean Taylor
Artist: R Dean Taylor

There's a ghost in my house
The ghost of your memories
The ghost of the love you took from me

Where our love used to be
Only shadows from the past I see
Time can't seem to erase
The vision of your smiling face
Though you found someone new
I can't get over you
There's a ghost in my house
And I can't hide (there's a ghost in my house)
From the ghost of your love that's inside (there’s a ghost in my house)
It keeps on haunting me (there’s a ghost in my house)
Just keeps on reminding me (there’s a ghost in my house)

In my mind I know you're gone
But my heart keeps holding on
To the memories of those happy times
To the love that once was mine
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
There's a ghost in my house
I can't hide (there's a ghost in my house)
From the ghost of your love that's inside (there’s a ghost in my house)
You're still such a part of me (there’s a ghost in my house)
Still so deep in the heart of me (there’s a ghost in my house)
I just keep hearing your footsteps on the stairs
When I know there's no-one there
Every day I love you more
So much more than the day before

Sittin' in my easy chair
I feel your fingers running through my hair
Lookin' down in my coffee cup
I think I see your face lookin' up
All alone in my gloom
You voice echoes through the room
There's a ghost in my house
And I can't hide (there’s a ghost in my house)
From the ghost of your love that's inside (there’s a ghost in my house)
It keeps on haunting me (there a ghost in my house)
Just keeps on reminding me (there’s a ghost in my house)
I just keep hearing your footsteps on the stairs
When I know there's no-one there
You're still such a part of me (there’s a ghost in my house)
Still so deep in the heart of me (there’s a ghost in my house)
I can't hide (there’s a ghost in my house)
From the ghost of your love that's inside (there’s a ghost in my house)
Every day I love you more



Oh I do like my music, Love Delboy

[AntoniaB]

I agree that spending forever thinking about "why" gets you stuck. The thing is that I really feel like I've come to terms with "why" in my situation and it has been the thing that has pushed me really far forward.

For me, I believe that my XH "left" the marriage long before he even met OW. So OW's part in this is totally negligible. We all know the affair is the symptom of a larger problem in the marriage or in the X or in some combo of the two.

So going back further, just to why did the MLC happen, why did my partner leave the marriage, etc., I think the answer is simple. He wasn't happy. There are a million reasons why this could happen for anyone unique to anyone's situation, but he wasn't happy. He pretended he was for awhile, and the pretense got to be such an effort that eventually he felt trapped. When he felt trapped and unhappy, unlike me, who would probably try like crazy to fix things, he ran from his problems. Would he have tried to fix things earlier in life? Sure. But people change. For whatever reason, he decided to cut and run. And then because he was hurting, he found OW, and he got sucked into her life. And I think he's made the best of it, and I think he's still not happy, but he's putting on a brave and fake face.

I have come to understand why my XH wasn't happy with both himself and the marriage, and I completely understand my own role in why our relationship became stuck or problematic, and I ignored those problems. I can look back now and see evidence of when I was not a good partner or when I wasn't empathetic or understanding of him or his needs. This doesn't give him a pass, but I know I am a better person now than I was, and so I understand why I was a part of the conditions that existed prior to his MLC.

And this is all I need to know to understand "why." I get why my XH had his MLC or is still having it. I get why we thought we were the perfect couple but really we were codependent and arrogant. This MLC was a blessing because it taught me where I was failing myself as a person, where I needed to grow.

I think in your case Tad you're still not able to see that you may have had areas in which you needed to grow. By holding on to this idea that you had this perfect woman in this perfect life and perfect marriage one day and then suddenly not, I think you may be looking at your past with too much nostalgia. I'm not saying "rewrite history" at all, but I'm saying that a counselor once pointed this out to me, that sometimes we look at our pasts so nostalgically that we can't see ANY flaws in it, but the flaws were there on some level, however small.

If you start to look at your past as having been "real" and not "perfect", you can see that you and your XW may have had problems as a couple or even individual problems. The reason you want to look for this is because you need to take her MLC and find a reason for it to be GOOD. You need to find the places you need to grow. Like the MLC was a wake-up call.

Self-esteem for you has come up a lot. So ok, her MLC exists to teach you that you shouldn't go through the rest of your life with her or anyone else having low self-esteem. So can you think of times your low self-esteem was a problem during the marriage? I suspect you had to be patted on the back a lot from her to feel good about yourself, and that's why now that she does NOT pat you on the back you're so destroyed (I say this as this was the same for me). So number one goal, you have to learn to find self-esteem all on your own and not rely on her or anyone else to give you pats on the back.

That's one thing. I'm sure there are other growth areas.

If you identify the areas you need to grow in, and look at her MLC as being the vehicle to your own journey, you will start to see the "why" of things. This happened to HELP you. YES it hurts. But you can't grow without growing pains. You will also start to see her as less of an antagonist and more of a misguided scared person who just acted the only way she knew how to or knows how to. And only then can you start to look at her with a loving detachment.