Bug, that is simply beautiful. Really. I am smiling writing this and feel a sense of calm and peace for you. Its like a step has been made.
Just goes to show that marriages and relationships are embedded in a constantly changing dynamic. You have done so well to prepare and handle and accept these dynamics. You are truly a master navigator through this turmoil.
Lets see where this goes. Happy for your sons as well. I hope it was a good day for S20.
And yeah for home repairs!
xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Being vulnerable is hard for me as well. Great job!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
The best part of this is that I felt good today and I wasn't "trying" to do or be anything other than myself. (actually I was on call last night and only got about 4 hours of sleep, not usually at my best then)
Thanks, all.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I also dont know how my H is keeping it all together he has so much locked and bottled up inside. Dont be afraid of him breaking into a million pieces. If you were like me you probably have already spent years trying to keep him together.
If he is gonna fall or break or bottom out, let him. I actually believe breaking could bring them back
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Bklyn, I'm starting to think that too, in fact that ONLY breaking could bring them back. It may never happen, but you can't help.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
^^^ maybe so, it certainly took me breaking into a million pieces and then slowly rebuilding to effect real change.
I had an ah-ha moment yesterday. I've never been a very good communicator. Yesterday I again conciously made eye contact and stopped what I was doing to listen to H. I was doing dishes when he came and I didn't immediately stop, I did come to a place where I could and sat and talked with him. At one point I got up to do something else and stopped and sat down again when he started the funny story telling.
We rarely took the time to have conversations, to look at each other and ask questions, wait for a response and then discuss. So sad. I had a therapist several years ago, who I didn't click with (he reminded me too much of my grandfather) but one thing he said stuck with me, I didn't do it but I should have. When he came home from work his W would stop what she was doing, and they would sit and share their the events of the day, it might be 15 minutes, it might be 30 but during this time their total focus was on each other.
H and I often worked opposite shifts early on due to childcare needs so there was a lot of ships passing in the night communication. I work in healthcare which doesn't encourage communication skills at all. We have our own language, we don't use articles or prepositions, every communication is about getting a lot of info across in as few words as possible. And we are never doing just one thing. I sometimes have to close myself in a quiet room to finish a task because I'm so overstimulated.
I certainly didn't learn any communication skills in my family of origin.
Even tho I've know this was a problem from the get go, our interaction yesterday was so different that it really became glaringly apparent how little we communicated.
Communication in general has been difficult for me in the past because I was afraid to show the real me and risk being not liked, rejected. I find that has changed. I am me, you like, you don't like, I am still me.
I was also hyperalert for signals from people about how they were perceiving me. That made conversations almost painful.
My goal this week, and I've been working on this for awhile: be present during conversations, no matter who I'm with.
So, just some journaling on this beautiful Sunday morning.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug, I'm much the same in a lot of ways. I read a book a month or two ago and realised something. We have our "thinking selves" and our "observing selves" I realised that I hasent been using my "Observing self " much at all anymore.
Take the time to use your observing self. Notice what you can hear, feel, see, smell. We tend to get used to things and not notice them anymore. I forgot how nice and calming a nice cool breeze can be. The gentle beams of the sun,.. Try it when your not too busy at first, make time everyday.
I find now that more often then not, I can have conversations and not even think about those things anymore. It's my observing self, listening and I can respond with a clear head. It feels so good to have a conversation, without 100 other thoughts running through my head. I actually feel like I'm me!
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
I have been practicing meditation but not as regularly as I was in the past. I'm working on that.
And yes, I do better with writing because I have time to think about what I want to say. It's interesting that I just read a post on my other support group from a mom who communicates with her 12yo daughter who has OCD because the daughter can't talk openly about her issues. I'm thinking of trying that with my son.
H and I have a pretty good email R, do you think we can conduct a marriage via email? I told a friend that H and I are happily married, we just don't live together.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
H and I have a pretty good email R, do you think we can conduct a marriage via email? I told a friend that H and I are happily married, we just don't live together.
Well people have come close with advent of sexting.
Letter writing can have a really beneficial effect in some marriages. Marriage Encounter is built on that model.
My Wife doesn't like it. I suspect it because she can't tell a letter its wrong ;-) Oh did I really say that?
