I wish I could be consistently strong. Woke up this morning with W on my mind and a huge knot in my stomach. Just so you know--I've felt that too, a sense of dread hsnging over me...
Worse to me, was waking up w/a good happy feeling- only to have it vanish, when I'd remember, "oh yeah, h is leaving..." SIGH...
Yes it's normal. But it still stings.
W sent a text at 2 am saying she wants to cancel immigration this morning, which might cause some problems for my visa. Even my D8 said last night that W was behaving like a teenager, sleeping on the floor and staying out til late with her friends and just doing what she wanted, when she wanted. I wish W could hear her D8 talk like that about her. What would she think? Probably that i put these idea in her head and blame me for it. probably yes...OR it's your fault anyhow. Trust me on one thing Arsene, if guilt could get them home, my h would've rushed home. I'm pretty good at the guilt thing BUT even our d1, then 16, ASKED H TO STAY & she cried, & he loves her very much...& he left anyhow...
Sigh... I hate feeling this way. Got to get my PMA back.
YES--you do need a PMA, whatever it takes...you need a PMA, for several reasons you already know.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for being here. I'm going through a rough patch today. I don't know if it's withdrawal or something else.
Something has been on my mind since yesterday. When W and I were riding across town, we came to the cultural centre near city hall and there, on a bigger-than-life sign was my W's name. It turns out she's opening for a big local act on Sunday.
I'm torn apart by my feelings. I wish I could be happy for her but selfishly, I'm upset because I guess I'm afraid she will make it on her own, be happy and not need me anymore because she'll see this new found happiness as something which happened because she left me.
The thing is, she had it coming. She is a really good singer and since she has left, she's been doing things which I'd been encouraging her to do for years. It just s_cks that we can't share this moment together.
It s_cks that I can't seem to find it in me to be happy for her.
It s_cks that I had to find out about it this way. She was so dismissive when I mentioned it and she was evasive when I asked her what time she was playing. I guess she doesn't want me there.
This is probably the reason for my mood.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thanks 25. I does help to know that even you who today seem so strong, have been through this. I'll get my PMA back I'm sure.
Tomorrow is a holiday and tonight a former colleague is having a birthday party at a Karaoke bar. I won't know anyone but the former colleague and even that, we were never that close either, but I'm going anyway and I plan on having a good time singing my heart out.
I'll get out of these slumps for sure. Thanks again!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I got home and D8 was in her room crying. I calmly ask W what had happened and apparently D8 had been yelling and having tantrums and even hitting the maid. I just couldn't understand what had happened as she has been consistently good for the last few months, doing what she has to do when she has to do it and behaving well in every way.
W said that it's always that way and that she didn't understand why. She said that even in the past D8 had always behaved badly when I wasn't around but would calm down when I was around. She used to think that D8 was afraid of me but lately, that can't be the reason. I wanted to tell wife that perhaps D8 sees me as a responsible parent while she sees her (W) as a teenager and a buddy, but I didn't. At one point, while I was calmly asking about the situation, W got on the defensive and I assured her that I was in no way criticizing her, that I simply wished to know what the problem was. This calmed her down.
Later, after dinner, W was going through the fridge to get some drinks for D8 as she was taking her to her gig (an early finish) and then D8 would spend the night at hers. She asked me if she could take a few small drinks with her. I said she could as long as there were at least a few left for D8's school on Friday and Saturday. Again, W got on the defensive and started saying angrily that it was OK, then, she could just buy some herself. I stopped her (I guess I should have validated but I didn't) and stated quite firmly but without anger that all I had asked was if there were at least a few left. She said there were and I told her she could take what she needed then. Then I restated, again firmly:"That was all I asked W!". She darted out without speaking and I went to make sure D8 had all she needed for an overnight stay.
It looked to me like W was about to leave without saying goodbye and I went to the door to ask her calmly when she thought she would drop D8 off. There we had a "normal" talk for a bit but I could see that W was tense. In the end, I wished her a good gig and walked in without looking back. By the time I'd come back out with D8 W was around the corner getting in the car. D8 then followed on her own.
I don't know if it's the distance I've created recently that is the cause of this and I'm not sure what it means and how to handle it from here. How should I read all of this renewed anger? I know it's kind of what I told DBmod I was expecting out of her if I managed to distance myself but I frankly didn't really think it would be so instant. Besides, is this really what I want? What is going on in her head right now? Am I helping my situation or am I making it worse?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I don't know if it's the distance I've created recently that is the cause of this and I'm not sure what it means and how to handle it from here. How should I read all of this renewed anger?
Accuray posted this bit of wisdom a while back and it may shed some light on her new anger:
Quote:
Yes, this is completely normal, and there are two reasons for this:
1) There were changes your wife wanted you to make for a long time and you didn't make them, and she suffered as a result. Now it seems that you can make them so easily, it makes her angry that you made her suffer so long. She'll get over that, keep at it.
2) A walkaway spouse has often constructed a scenario in their head where you are the bad one, you pushed them to do whatever they have done, and they are the victim. When you 180 their complaints and don't act the role of the "bad guy" it's harder for them to convince themselves that they are the victim and they don't like that, so they get angry. They want you to play your part! If you keep doing the bad stuff it reinforces their decision to walk and makes them feel better about it.
Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
Thanks guys, it helps but I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing right now.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thanks guys, it helps but I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing right now.
You are not alone in wondering if you are doing the right thing. I believe, if you are standing for your marriage, you are doing the right thing. Just remember in the end you only control yourself.
There are so many variables, so I try to look at it from the standpoint of not doing more harm. Not pushing them further away. It seems to take the pressure off a little.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Thanks guys, it helps but I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing right now.
She's being snippy with you, sounds to me like you handled it fine. When our spouse is crabby, if we can carry on any kind of convo without it escalating into a shouting match then it's a victory
