From The Twilight Zone

[Drew]

Tad,

Do you read people's responses to you?

[tadpole1025]

Do you read people's responses to you?

Yes I do. I simply asked a question....

[tadpole1025]

Ok. I decided to respond and sent:

M: No Thanks.

X: Ok. Thanks for the response.

Tad

[MrBond]

You're not married. She was just being nice. End of story.

For some reason, you seem to expect her to act like a total b@tch around you now that you're D'd. She's trying to make peace. It's up to you to accept it or not.

[job]

Tad,
Your response was appropriate.

I don't know why you were confused about her email? Are you looking for an ulterior motive? If so, you need to let this stinking thinking go. Again, let her go and stop trying to over analyze every word or action that she says or does...it's not healty for you to do so. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to her behavior.

As hard as it is, you need to learn to accept your xw for who she is today and not who she was whent you met and married her. She is a totally different woman and now she is on her own journey, a journey that you were not invited on. She is no longer a part of your life as your soulmate or companion. She is only connected to you now as the mother of your children. Let her go and allow God to work on her.

Tad, it's time to start living your life for YOU. She may or may not ever want to reconcile w/you. You do not want to be sitting in the same place spinning your wheels for the rest of your life. You have a lot to offer the world and the world is waiting to help you move forward.

[Kimmerz]

Tad,
I came here to your thread to ask you if you like your new job at home. I want to apply for something similar and was curious how you feel about your job.

Then I saw this going on. So first of all this is what I'd like to say.

I can identify with Tad's "WTF" moment with his XW going from a spewing volcano, to now asking her boys how he is, telling them she wants to be friends, and now offering cupcakes.

I understand this because my Xh has behaved in similar ways recently. And the first thing I do is wonder WTH he's up to now!

And why is this? I do believe that the LBS literally can't heal, from the trauma of this all at the pace if the MLCer's cycling. Some of them cycle so damn fast it makes our heads spin. As soon as we start to get into one place, next thing you know they come along and do something different that completely takes us off guard. Then it's like " ok now what!" Seriously why on earth would Tad expect her to send him cupcakes? Sorry but if XH offered some I'd suspect it was poisoned! It's like all the insanity she's bestowed upon you and your son's has just disappeared, and none of it exists anymore, so lets just be friends. Well...it's not that easy now is it?


By what these MLCers put us through we're put in a consistent state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. We don't know if we're getting spew, or getting something nice. Face it folks MLC or not what we've been put through is some serious emotional and verbal abuse and even physical. And just because the WAS for whatever reasons decies THEY want to be nice and THEY are going to treat us kindly does NOT MEAN WE ARE READY FOR THIS OR CAN HANDLE IT.

We are in fight or flight mode for quite some time.

Tad the way I see it is your XW had some serious hooks into you and you're seriously scarred from it all and are still trying to heal. You're not ready to be friends with her and may never be, and that's 100% ok. Yet at the same time you're in the position of hearing your boys frustrations with her, and as a parent it's only natural to want rectify this.

From what I can tell she does sound really flakey that ordeal with the cell phones is really silly.

So Hey, I personally can see why you're going " WTF". I can.

But I'd like to remind you that it's of most importance that you remember that you need to protect yourself here too. Remind yourself how crazy this woman makes you. Remind yourself what you need to not go to that place again.

Infact I think it might be a good idea to set some more boundaries with her. Your response was good about the cupcakes, but if she continues to pursue these things with you, consider letting her know that you want her to stop and why you want her to stop.

I had to do that with XH to protect myself more than once in different ways. He backed off, but still tries a little here and there.

[AJM]

It's easy to see what you're expecting - you're expecting the shoe to drop. She says something "nice" or "honest" and you are left wondering, "ok, but do I need to brace myself for the next spew?!? WTF?" To paraphrase a little

I don't know why that's hard for others to see, but I see it. I know it. I live it.

Time to get off the crazy train, Tad. You are doing the right things by being distant and not responding. Now it's time to let go of those "normal" expectations you would have of anyone else doing those actions. I realize its hard because it affects your boys and because you realize she isn't "right" which may be the reason you see her leaving in the first place. Right?

But get off the train. As you stand further back, you can deal with this junk much better. She is still with OM and not you. So it's not for you to deal with. It's for you to make sure she is so far away that she cannot hurt you. Not "fair" but it is what it is. You are still hurting and therefore sensitive to these things. That's what a lot of people here pick up on and are trying to steer you away from. They have your best interest at heart. Seriously. But it's up to you to stand back even further.

Will there be crazy junk from her over the years? Count on it. This pretty tame really, but there will be more that makes you shake your head and wonder at it. There's more Tad. There will be more until you put a stop to it.

You can't help her, I'm afraid. I know you want to, but she has to work herself out.

Now, about that book... how goes it my friend?

Peace,
AJ

[AntoniaB]

If you truly get your own life going, if you follow your own path, own interests, make goals, try to meet them, and build your own self-esteem, crap like this will not send you into a tizzy where you feel you have to ask for advice every time she says "boo!" There's nothing wrong with asking for advice but I think you want to try to get to a place where you actually have instincts, good ones, of self-protection and detachment, and you follow them. You're only going to get there if you make your own life and stop obsesssing over her every move.

Someone one said to me when I spun my wheels in a similar fashion, "do you really honestly think HE (XH) is spending anywhere NEAR the time thinking about you, obsessing about you, as you are over him?" And sadly, the answer was a big fat no.

There is only so much energy in your system to go around and keep you going. Maybe you need to think about using that energy to lift yourself up and to use it to interact with people who truly do care about you and haven't made jerking you around an art form. Stop expending so much of your energy on her and place it where it's really meaningful.

What are you doing to build your self-confidence and self-esteem? When you can build that these bizarre contacts from her will roll off you like water off a duck's back.

[25yearsmlc]

Tad,
I came here to your thread to ask you if you like your new job at home. I want to apply for something similar and was curious how you feel about your job.

Then I saw this going on. So first of all this is what I'd like to say.

I can identify with Tad's "WTF" moment with his XW going from a spewing volcano, to now asking her boys how he is, telling them she wants to be friends, and now offering cupcakes.

I understand this because my Xh has behaved in similar ways recently. And the first thing I do is wonder WTH he's up to now!

And why is this? I do believe that the LBS literally can't heal, from the trauma of this all at the pace if the MLCer's cycling. Some of them cycle so damn fast it makes our heads spin. As soon as we start to get into one place, next thing you know they come along and do something different that completely takes us off guard. Then it's like " ok now what!" Seriously why on earth would Tad expect her to send him cupcakes? Sorry but if XH offered some I'd suspect it was poisoned! It's like all the insanity she's bestowed upon you and your son's has just disappeared, and none of it exists anymore, so lets just be friends. Well...it's not that easy now is it?


By what these MLCers put us through we're put in a consistent state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. We don't know if we're getting spew, or getting something nice. Face it folks MLC or not what we've been put through is some serious emotional and verbal abuse and even physical. And just because the WAS for whatever reasons decies THEY want to be nice and THEY are going to treat us kindly does NOT MEAN WE ARE READY FOR THIS OR CAN HANDLE IT.

We are in fight or flight mode for quite some time.

Tad the way I see it is your XW had some serious hooks into you and you're seriously scarred from it all and are still trying to heal. You're not ready to be friends with her and may never be, and that's 100% ok. Yet at the same time you're in the position of hearing your boys frustrations with her, and as a parent it's only natural to want rectify this.

From what I can tell she does sound really flakey that ordeal with the cell phones is really silly.

So Hey, I personally can see why you're going " WTF". I can.

But I'd like to remind you that it's of most importance that you remember that you need to protect yourself here too. Remind yourself how crazy this woman makes you. Remind yourself what you need to not go to that place again.

Infact I think it might be a good idea to set some more boundaries with her. Your response was good about the cupcakes, but if she continues to pursue these things with you, consider letting her know that you want her to stop and why you want her to stop.

I had to do that with XH to protect myself more than once in different ways. He backed off, but still tries a little here and there.

No offense Kimmerz, b/c I get what your point is here for your sitch...

MY point for Tad is, so what?

TAD NEEDS TO MOVE ON and stop asking questions that have no good answers.


Who the hell cares WHY she offered cupcakes? It's NOT a "signal" of her wanting to marry Tad.

I ASSUME she's being nice. I don't believe it means a damn thing about her wanting to reconcile...

I would read ZERO into any and all of this....nada, nothing, zilch...

and I'd move on along in my own life.

I'D CREATE A GOOD LIFE FOR MYSELF AND MY SONS...I'D STOP WAITING AND PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS SENDING MIXED SIGNALS. They are not mixed signals.

IT'S NOT AN ALL OR NOTHING DEAL...

it's not "'either she's a bitch and hates me"

OR

"she wants to get back together....I just have to 'de-code' it right."

That seems to be what Tad goes to everytime...one or the other. And it's not the case.

They were married a long time, she probably has some good feelings of friendship left for him, and some fond memories. To me, once the dust settles, that would be normal.

She has chosen OM to be married to however. Yet she doesn't want to feel like the bad guy. So she chooses small gestures of kindness or texts him a message about his fav band being on TV to show gestures of good will...

But to Tad, it's a HUGE SIGNAL OF... SOMETHING...and then he says "Confusing as hell"

but I don't find it confusing...at all.... it's not even new behavior.

Unfortunately Tad, b/c you cannot see anything on her end that isn't one or the other, YOU have to say "no thanks" to any offer on her end.

and that's that. Okay Tad? Keep on moving along in a forward way...please.

Don't be confused. See this clearly for what it was, a small gesture of friendship...and move on...

[25yearsmlc]

If you truly get your own life going, if you follow your own path, own interests, make goals, try to meet them, and build your own self-esteem, crap like this will not send you into a tizzy --- You're only going to get there if you make your own life and stop obsesssing over her every move.

Someone one said to me when I spun my wheels in a similar fashion, "do you really honestly think HE (XH) is spending anywhere NEAR the time thinking about you, obsessing about you, as you are over him?" And sadly, the answer was a big fat no.

AMEN to this^^^^!!!!

There is only so much energy in your system to go around and keep you going. -- Stop expending so much of your energy on her and place it where it's really meaningful.

What are you doing to build your self-confidence and self-esteem? When you can build that these bizarre contacts from her will roll off you like water off a duck's back.

Good stuff... IMO, she spends 1/10 of the time on Tad that he spends on her...

--IF THAT MUCH--