nero wrote-i don't hear anger from you so much as pain. you are not obliged to embrace the injustice and abuse or whatever you want to call it. you only have to endure ( if you/we choose) .
Yes, I have to endure...I would like to think of it as loyalty. Loyalty to myself, knowing that I am doing everything possible for this man I chose for life...for me as an individuale...and for my kids. No matter what the outcome, H will have ''my'' for better or worse voe...till death we part.
Nero is right...I have always used anger as a pain pill...and now I've had to check myself, because only one of us can be angry in this house. I am not about to embrace the injustice...but I'm going to try not to internalize so much...get off of H every word....stop analyzing the spew.
I have started to read Depression Fallout, I think its going to be really overwhelming in the begging, many truths coming to surface. I want to make sure to read just before a workout or an activity with others, so much can be internalized, leaving me in extrem sadness. aka anger!
I sent my H off to work today on a positive note...he didn't wish me luck on my interview tom. or say ILU. He left making sure I wasn't going to drive after giving blood...and that I eat breakfast. He expressed a fear of loosing me...he fears mortality.
Taking care of myself (as I've been told here) is the most important component in this healing process...and I guess it would be one more thing H doesn't have to obsess over.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Taking care of myself (as I've been told here) is the most important component in this healing process...and I guess it would be one more thing H doesn't have to obsess over.
Yes think like you are on an airplane and you must don your oxygen mask first or you will not be of any help to your children sitting beside you.
absolutely take care of yourself. as selfish as it sounds, you HAVE to make yourself a priority right now. what do you need? what do you want to do? this is great for GAL. explore interests you have, take classes, take care of your body. you need to do this for YOU, not for the m or your h.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
Caedet - So glad to here from you again....hope you had a nice break.
#1 Goal - Take care of self First. I think I need to tattoo this somewhere
This is my hurdle...it is what my kids, parents, everyone with insight is saying. I have even found myself saying it to young mom's... telling them not to leave themselves behind. Talk about heal thy self!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Timbits - Hello, your so right as is Cadet....looking into that tattoo, lol.
you need to do this for YOU, not for the m or your h.
I'm going to give a little background here...sorry, may be long.
Time for myself is all I ever had growing up. I was an only child of very young working parents. I stayed with my grandma all day where I was one of 10 grandkids...so not much attention there either.
I grew up resenting my mom for working...but not only working, not coming home to me. I developed a stay-home-mom mind frame of what I thought I would give (key word) my family.
A giving character is how I attracted my H, (he was raised neglected) we had the same eclectic idea of how to raise children....free spirited, fun, unschooled.
We spoiled each other as well, becoming for one another the person to turn to for comfort, understanding, validation. We had our family, our way, and told the world you can join us on our terms, even our parents.
So this WAS, LBS, was so hard on my I am still learning (but accepting) how to be without my BFF H.
Being with myself at first brought a lot of resentment back from my child hood. Learning to take care of myself first....well that was (is) a struggle I'm taking on everyday.
I get it though....I see some things I should have maintained about myself over the yrs...but I see the 45yr old me best, so I'm going to concentrate on her.
do this for ME, not for the m or MY h
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I grew up resenting my mom for working...but not only working, not coming home to me. I developed a stay-home-mom mind frame of what I thought I would give (key word) my family.
We normally pick our spouses by taking the best traits of our oppoiste sex parent and copying those traits, then we take their worst traits and look for the opposite.
So based on your FOO the fact that you picked your husband is quite natural.
This is all done subconsiously and until I started learning things here I was quite unaware of it.
So this is your opportunity to confront your fears and FIX them, not what you planned on for your life but the way it is working out.
I realized afterward it was confronting one of my fears...I walked away almost scared that I might get it, and afraid that I won't.
Walking through the mall I became very sad...I don't understand why. I continued pushing through getting everything on my list getting sadder and quieter.
When I think about I believe I'm sad, longing for "my" H, feeling really lonely for his words of love, encouragement, and overall gentle arms that would have hugged my today.
This office I applied at is somewhere I've worked before long ago...it was a rush...feeling the good days gone. Speaking about my H as if life is good...repeating to some familiar faces how "he's fine"!
Oh well, I will get through this too...
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
This morning my H said that he had dinner with ow/ea because he is lonely so far away from home during (night) work. He knows I hate her, but said at least he didn't lie.
He insists it is only a friendship, admits is volatile, understands she's crazy, but needs the camaraderie.
This drives me nuts....not because I don't believe him, but I want a man that puts me as his number one...the one woman in his life that he turns to....he was mine alone. I mattered at one time soo much! Now I'm a family burden...he shows his love to me by working hard. He says to measure his love monetarily now...that's all he has of himself to give.
This man is not mine anymore....he doesn't even know himself. He isn't close to the H I knew. That seems so over...he speaks of his depression as if it's his best friend. Giving it value and life, with breath that he breaths to stay alive.
I asked him (door was open) if he gets tired of the confusion, the anger... uncertainty in life, he says yes, then it passes and he allows himself to be consumed with it.... giving it legs to guide him.
This is too much...I was out GAL but eventually you have to come home. My H works nights so I wake up to him...his bad night experience...telling me how he yells at everyone at work about how life is too hard.
If I even look like I "can't handle his conversation" he says "see that's why I talk to ow because she's crazy enough to handle it" then he says he needs her to call him stupid (like she does). Ok, enough!!!!
I want to tell him to shut him....move out...let me be at peace! But, of cause I don't want to tell him that. I sound like him!
What if I mean it when I think "I'm not in love with you anymore" I have actually said it aloud to two people now...hearing myself say it I know why I feel that way, but also know it can be my hurt, anger, defense mechanism talking.
I think maybe I don't want to be in love w/him...but how can one tell. I miss "life" with a partner so much that it's painful everyday to wake up to my H face...without my h heart.
I feel so bad thinking this way about him...I know I love him...but it's not good for me.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
MrBond - I did! He claims he has learned to separate himself into two men. The working guy on the N side of town who needs little sleep, smokes, and calls ow/ea when there's too much time to pass between gigs.
And, the S side H, F, who has obligations, commitments, suburban life style to uphold.
The two worlds that he has created don't resemble each other in any way, so he will not mix them. Mars talk!!
He used to say talking to me reminded him of home and made him sleepy, took him off focus creating the "need, want" to return, especially during long tapings.
So he stopped calling, doesn't check up, has faith that if we really need him, we, can call him...especially since my 3 sons are grown men now.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
