This is my first DB post. I've arrived here after a long journey. Let me share my "little story" with you.
My wife and I have been together for nearly three decades. In the mid-1990ies we married. Our three kids are now between 7 and 10. My wife has pursued a successful career. I lagged behind for a long time: I assumed freelancer jobs to carry me through my university education. The jobs developed a life of their own and I neglected my studies more and more. (Background: in my country university education is free.)
When the three kids arrived the most sensible arrangement was that I became a "houseman" and cared for the kids while my wife pursued her career with her 12-hour work days (and weekends). We also purchased a house. My contribution was a building plot which I had purchased from my savings. The house construction restricted our budget for years (less holiday travels etc.). During that time I never managed to find the concentration for my last exams.
In 2011 we agreed it would best if I returned to my university city for finally finishing the course. I studied for months in solitude but it was worth the effort: I passed the most difficult exam of my life with a straight "A". I returned home and wanted to write my thesis there. I was extremely glad that I had finally managed to clear the hurdle which my wife had complained about for years.
All the bigger the disappointment in February: suddenly my wife dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb. The worst weeks of my life followed. Sleepless nights, rapid weight loss (30 pounds). For two months I struggled to win her back, no chance. She turned more and more icy. So I left the house again to complete my thesis in solitude. Again I succeeded and finished it in record time, four times faster than average. Again I obtained a straight "A". The day before submitting the thesis the next bomb dropped: on the phone my wife confessed a PA. She had resumed contact with a highschool love she hadn't seen for three decades.
I moved to another town to a relative who offered me to join his professional activities. I had been afraid I wouldn't have any chance in the job market any more due to my age (close to 50) so I was happy about this offer. There was a lot to learn but I worked hard. In the meantime I have already become a consultant working at a customer site with a good salary. My professional development is a "dream come true", a miracle.
The situation with my wife has deteriorated. She got closer and closer to the OM. Before confessing the PA she had already introduced him to the children. Soon they spent weekends together. In the summer they (W, OM and my/our kids) traveled abroad.
I live about 500 miles away from the family. I phone or skype with the kids about once a week. In their summer holidays I picked them up at home and brought them to my place. We were together for three weeks and had a fantastic time. They all say they would prefer to move to my place but due to my profession I am unable to care for them during the work week which I spend in a hotel at the customer site and I don't earn enough to hire a nanny.
Today there is another major step: my wife will leave our house with the kids and move to a flat with OM. She wants to keep the house for times when the kids invite friends and other events requiring more space.
Some words on the OM: he himself is married, too, two kids. After his wife learned about the PA she threw him out. He is a low-intensity freelancer with hardly any income. He is already demanding spousal support from his wife he betrayed which she must pay according to the silly laws in my country. The flat he initially moved to in his city was paid by my wife, just as she is now paying the new flat close to our home. Two decades ago OM was treated as an alcoholic.
I am now wondering what to do. There are three options: 1 Stay where I am, 500 miles away, and wait for the dust to settle. 2 Move home to the now empty house and shuttle to work each week by plane. 3 Move home and find a new job in my home city. A good friend who has been through a divorce recommends me to choose 1. Being close would increase the likelihood of conflicts and the kids would feel torn. It's better to see them less frequently but longer. Sounds logical but I miss my kids and family life terribly.
The whole situation is a nightmare. My parents had divorced and I told myself to do everything possible to cater to my wife. That's why I moved with her several times across the country while she developed her career. I neglected my career and my friends and discover how many activities there are which I rediscover after three decades. It's only now after reading relationship books that I realize how fatally wrong my attitude was for a long time. By neglecting my own interests I hurt our common interests.
Additionally I took her for granted and didn't show her how much she means to me. One of her main points is that she cherishes how affectionate OM is to her. I would be prepared to show more feelings myself but currently it doesn't help.
My reflection path started with lots of "ex back" material. Last week I purchased "Divorce Remedy". I read it in a day. It appeals to me more than anything else I have come across. I highly appreciate MWD's opinion that a marriage shouldn't be dropped easily and that a divorce is no solution. This is contrary to most advice I have seen elsewhere. I can very much relate to this paragraph on p. 214: "If you are considering trying to save your marriage when your partner is unwilling to end the affair, you can count on receiving lots of advice from people who know about the situation. They will undoubtedly tell you to stop being a doormat and go on with your life. You need to be the one who calls the shots on this one. This is, after all, your life. You need to decide who you want to handle this. Trust your instincts. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do. If you're not reay to give up on your marriage, keep fighting."
I have mostly followed the "Sandi rules", even before reading DB thanks to other material. I sometimes violated 11 (ILY) but the last time was a month ago. Two issues irked her over time. Once I mailed her clearly that I consider her actions to be adultery and asked her to come back. And she doesn't like my boundary that OM mustn't enter our house. Last week she violated it, he stayed there for a week to prepare the move to the joint flat. When I called her on that she said she didn't know how else to organize her move. I told her it's like a person "needing" money and robbing a bank to cure the need.
I am afraid I will have to be patient for a long, looong time, months, if not years. Initially I had hoped that her attraction to OM might fade but after seven months there is no sign of it, to the contrary. My top priorities are now to work hard and stay healthy. My 10 to 12 hours of work don't leave much energy for GALing but that's ok. Being financially independent is already a huge boost for me. I'll follow the developments at home as detached as I can and will pray for a miracle.
Hi, Thanks for sharing your story. Michele and her coaches do believe it is never too late....but your situation calls for some new action on your part. I highly suggest that you speak to a DB coach, they are experts in helping you come up with a plan, that could stop this 'runaway train' to divorce. I would look forward to hearing from you. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
While you feel there are three options, there are really an infinite number of options, so keep an open mind as your life and this situation unfolds.
I don't agree with your friend. Your children should see you AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. So that means, you move as close as possible, hands down. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES, it's not rocket science.
My ex did not do this, in fact he moved away in his pain. (I was already divorced when I came to this board, I came 2 relationships later.). So, I raised my children basically without their dad in their life. He bitterly regrets it. They wish their dad cared enough to be involved. It wasn't that he didn't care, he was just in too much pain, and probably got bad advice from friends/family. I do know his parents initially encouraged him to move their and convinced him to fight for custody, with the delusion that he could win and raise them there. Of course, that wouldn't work.
The problem is...it can't be undone. They are now grown.
You have a chance to to at least fix the father-child situation. And possibly the situation with your wife.
Selling your house will make this worse. Go move back there. Find all kinds of jobs until you make a great job work in that situation.
THEN work on your relationship with your wife.
***
For your relationship with your wife....what were you two doing when you fell in love? What were you doing when things were great between the two of you.
All the BEST.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks for the replies, KarenR, Cadet, chatterbug, sgctxok.
@chatterbug: selling the house for paying a nanny is an original idea I hadn't thought of, thanks. Too bad that my share of the net worth would not last long considering salaries in my country.
@sgctxok: your recommendation struck a chord in me. Due to exam preparation and job start I have basically been away from family life for 1.5 years. The longing for my kids doesn't get any "better". I won't be able to realize the move back home quickly but I'll start preparing it.
Thanks for asking, chatterbug. No major change yet. sgctxok's suggestion is still guiding me. For moving back home (option 2 in my initial post) I need remote access authorization which I have applied for but it takes several weeks until it has been approved. Little contact with the wife and the kids, about one phone call per week. Now that they are living in a flat with OM I don't want to call there. But this coming weekend I'll pick up the kids for a one-week holiday at my place. It means traveling at least 2000 miles by train in a week but I am sure we'll have a great time.
My job life is developing well. Currently I am earning already twice as much as half a year ago when I started. Granted, I am currently in a temporary project which may only last for some more months but still I am very satisfied. My career is my core 180.
