hi everyone: I am new to the board, which was recommended to me by my therapist. So here is my story, I will try to keep it short and to the point.
I have been with the same man for 15 years and we have a lovely 5 year old daughter who we adopted 4 1/2 years ago. About 2 years ago, I started to drift away from our marriage, thinking I needed more independance and I started getting and paying attention to other people instead of my husband (there has been no infidelity on my part). I lost myself and my own identity and feel as if I abandoned both my husband and my daughter. I do believe I had an emotional affiar with a woman friend who was going through troubles and issues with her marriage. I felt responsible for her feelings and her happiness. We have tried, he has waited for me to come around, told me he would always love me and would wait for me to go through this crisis. We went to marriage counselling and I went to two individual counsellers as well. In April, through massive tears I told him I gave up on our marriage and we became technically separated. We still lived in the same house (still do), share the same bed, spend time together, have sex and spend time with our daughter and families together. I thought we were slowly getting back together, my head was coming down from the clouds and back to reality and back to what was most important in my life although we were not communicating the greatest. About a month ago, he told me he was done waiting and was seeing someone else. This of course snapped me back to complete reality and now I am fighting to save my marriage, my husband and my family.
He has said some hurtful things and I do not know what this other woman is to him. He has not said they have had sex but they are spending time together, and they work for the same company. I of course have been an emotional wreck for the past month and am overcome with guilt and shame for what I have done. My daughter is only 5 and she does not know what is happening or that mommy and daddy are going to be living in separate houses.
My therapist says I should not give up yet and I really do not want to give up on my marriage, on him yet. He deserves for me to wait this out for him. This person in his life is simply giving him what I failed to give him over the last little while and I am going to try and show him that I am truly the person he fell in love with 15 years ago and not this stranger that has been in our lives the last 2 years.
Its hard to not ask questions of where he is going or who he is with but I am refraining to for the most part. I am keeping my emotions mostly in check, especially when he is around and I have always and will always be my daughters number one fan and supporter.
The next step my therapist has recommended is writing him a letter to tell him what I value in him and our relationship. and also what I see as our future relationship. I realize that he is in the "infatuation" stage with this new person, such as I was with my new friends so he may not want to listen but I hope he does. Weve been through alot over 15 years including the adoption of our daughter, and I truly believe we can make it through this.
Would love to hear from anyone going through a similar story or if anyone has written any letters like the one my therapist has recommended. I plan on buying a really nice card and hand writing the letter on nice paper and also include a picture of our family on our daughter's adoption day which was the most happiest day of my life.
Thanks for reading, looking forward to getting some good information and help from the site.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
Thanks for the response. What is the DR book? and what does GAL stand for? I also don't know what "on moderation" on the forum means? I gave him the letter this morning, put it in his work van so now all I can do is wait and see. I cannot ask him about it at all and im not going to. I am going to use this time we are "apart" (we still live together) to work on myself, concentrate on supporting my daughter and supporting and loving him as much as he will let me. Some days its hard, like he doesnt even want to be in the same room but I was like that too at one point Time and patience are the key now (and hopefully my house won't sell anytime soon!) Does anyone have any tips for NOT crowding him or things I can do?
I also don't know what "on moderation" on the forum means?
It means that a moderator must look at your post and approve it before it shows up on the board. There is a time delay from when you post until it shows up here.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
Does anyone have any tips for NOT crowding him or things I can do?
Sorry for your situation, but you'll find an awful lot of support here. Many have been thru similar situations so really listen to them.
You definitely should pick up Divorce Remedy and read it immediately. It's a fast read, and you really need the info in there as quickly as possible.
After that, I'd suggest you also read The Five Love Languages, as that may help you understand some of the dynamics going on with you initially (why you felt disconnected) and your H now (why he's tired of waiting).
With that said, think about what were your complaints in the M starting a couple of years ago? What have been your H's complaints about the M since?
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
I felt responsible for her feelings and her happiness.
I hate to suggest reading three books in my first response, but these screams codependence, so another suggestion for the reading list, Codependent No More.
Hang in there....it's going to be tough, but the faster you get up to speed on some things, and the sooner you start working on yourself, the easier it'll be.
Hello! Welcome to the boards. Sorry you had to find your way here, but rest assured there are many shoulders to lean on here
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
In April, through massive tears I told him I gave up on our marriage and we became technically separated. We still lived in the same house (still do), share the same bed, spend time together, have sex and spend time with our daughter and families together. I thought we were slowly getting back together, my head was coming down from the clouds and back to reality and back to what was most important in my life although we were not communicating the greatest. About a month ago, he told me he was done waiting and was seeing someone else. This of course snapped me back to complete reality and now I am fighting to save my marriage, my husband and my family.
Wow, so you were a WAW and now you're the LBS. Unfortunately you told your H in no uncertain terms that you were done with the M. He probably started exploring his options back then. Even though you started emerging from the fog, he didn't know you were in a fog and still thought the M was over and just dragging along on life support. Have you communicated to him that you're seeing more clearly now and are now committed to the M? If so, then don't keep badgering him about it. He needs to know if he doesn't already, but if you keep harping on it then he'll perceive it as pressure and you need to avoid pressuring him.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
My therapist says I should not give up yet and I really do not want to give up on my marriage, on him yet. He deserves for me to wait this out for him.
You've got a good therapist! Most would tell you to move on because that's their training. There is always hope.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
This person in his life is simply giving him what I failed to give him over the last little while and I am going to try and show him that I am truly the person he fell in love with 15 years ago and not this stranger that has been in our lives the last 2 years.
It's great that you understand why he sought out OW. It's not about the OW, it's about what is missing in your M. Pick up the 5 Love Languages and learn how to fill your H's love tank back up. For now you'll have to do all the work, but eventually he should start reciprocating.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
Its hard to not ask questions of where he is going or who he is with but I am refraining to for the most part. I am keeping my emotions mostly in check, especially when he is around and I have always and will always be my daughters number one fan and supporter.
Good, this is proper DB'ing. Yes it is difficult, but stay the course!
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
The next step my therapist has recommended is writing him a letter to tell him what I value in him and our relationship. and also what I see as our future relationship.
Write it to collect your thoughts, but don't give it to him. It's too early right now and he'll see it as pressure.
I gave him the letter this morning, put it in his work van so now all I can do is wait and see. I cannot ask him about it at all and im not going to.
Darn, guess I was too late with my advice. Don't expect him to say anything about it, he probably won't. Don't ever ask him if he read it, or ask him if he wants to discuss it or anything else about it. He knows your position, so just back off and don't apply any more pressure to him. If he wants to talk to you about it then by all means discuss it. But don't talk, LISTEN. Regardless of what he says, go along with it. Don't argue. If he says the M is done and there's no chance, tell him you understand why he feels that way and you support whatever decision he wants to make. No pressure, no arguing, no disagreeing with his position. That's pressure, pressure, pressure.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
I am going to use this time we are "apart" (we still live together) to work on myself, concentrate on supporting my daughter and supporting and loving him as much as he will let me. Some days its hard, like he doesnt even want to be in the same room but I was like that too at one point Time and patience are the key now (and hopefully my house won't sell anytime soon!) Does anyone have any tips for NOT crowding him or things I can do?
Pick up DR and read it, develop a list of what wasn't working on your M and do 180's on those things. Work on making yourself a better, stronger, more pleasant person. Give your H time and space. Good luck!
Wow, what alot of great advice, thanks so much. I will definitely head out after work in search of the book. My therapist recommended this site but wasn't sure what book I needed, yet. I did give him the letter (I almost cringed when I read when you said don't give it to him) but there was no begging or crying or pleading in it at all. It was a true reflection of what I value in him and our relationship and everything that he has done for our family. I also talked about what our potential future can be like (my positive outlike as my therapist called it). I will not ask him about it at all and will continue on as "normal" at home like I didnt even give it to him. I am refraining from texting him during the day (something we have always done even after separation) and am compiling things I want to talk to him about so I can try and bring the conversation back.
I was the WAW stupidly but I never told him I didnt love him ever. He was still fighting for me right up until the night he met OW (well he already knows her, but they went to a concert together with a group of friends - a concert that my H asked me to go with to him but I stayed home with our daughter). Right up until that night, we shared a bed, laughter, sex and went out together - the week before we went to a wedding together. Since then he has used the line "I love you but I am not in love with you" which I know he is saying because he is hurt.
Thanks for the link on the "going dark", I will have to read that. I miss and love my husband and family very much, am willing to do anything (legal and sane) to bring us back together.
Sorry for all the posts but im just trying to stick to the same one as suggested. I just read another post called "Sandi2's 37 rules and I can see some of the things I have been doing without really knowing it and now I am scared to death about the letter I wrote??? Was it too soon? Its been a month since H has "left". My therapist recommended I write it but it talks about our future (my positive outlook) now I wonder if that was wrong? Also, what is 180s? Thanks again.
Time and patience are the key now (and hopefully my house won't sell anytime soon!)