Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

Here is my first thread, which is now locked. And I hope that I am doing this correctly.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2275056&page=1

I do plan on ordering the Codependent book I've heard so many people talk about. I have not been able to get to the prayer tower, which I miss. I certainly cannot bring D16 there. Thus, I will have to try to "schedule" myself to go there. I did order a new Bible. If I admitted this to anyone who knew me, they would fall over in disbelief. Anyway, it is the Billy Graham Training Center Bible. I found it at the prayer tower. It has an index in the front to lead you to passage for issues you are dealing with. It also have some commentary under the passages. It has given me peace and some direction.

[hopefulinga]

There is definitely a different air at home tonight. H is very cold and short. I just want to tell him to get off the rag and start acting like an adult and not a little child.

I cooked some chicken for dinner. I usually get accused of undercooking it. Tonight I got accused of vulcanizing it and no thank you, which generally means he didn't like it. But a thank you for my efforts would be nice.

I am continuing to be pleasant and going about my business. Today has definitely shown me how easy it is for each of us to react off of what the other does. Too bad I cannot explain this to H. While I told him about the concept of Solution Oriented Brief Therapy and looking towards the future, I doubt he will look in to it.

I'll cross my fingers that he will sleep on it and wake up a different person.

[hopefulinga]

I feel a little emotional today. Today is 4 weeks from the last D conversation, which was 4 weeks from the 1st one. I am crossing my fingers it doesn't occur when I get home later tonight. I will do my best to not engage H at all when I get home, which will be late.

H went to bed early last night. He did let me cuddle up next to him. Either that or he was too asleep to push me away. Usually he will say let me go to sleep and pull away.

He had his crappy tone this am when I asked him if he know if he was going to be out of town today. I tried to rub his shoulder as I was saying goodbye and he pulled away. I didn't say anything and walked away. I am trying to show a genuine interest in him and what he is doing, which doesn't seem to be working. So, I will back off of that for now.

The mixed messages are the hardest for me to deal with. Within a 12 hour period, the reaction to a neck/arm rub changes. These are the times that I feel like he is purposely trying to make me mad. I know that he wouldn't like it if I pulled away from him in that manner.

The mixed messages are making it harder for me to detach.

[hopefulinga]

H just called to let me know that he has to go out of town for a job. He was pleasant. However, I now have to find a babysitter so that I can go out to my event tonight. He is working, so I am not upset about it.

[labug]

About the mixed messages-you saw me in a mess over the weekend about much the same thing.

My best advice is don't do things that will cause you hurt if he doesn't respond in the way you might want(expect). It's the whole expectations thing. It's difficult to be that detached but keep working at it.

[hopefulinga]

Basically, don't set myself up for anything? And don't let his actions/inactions control mine?

I am proud that I didn't complain when he called about leaving town this pm. He told me at 1:45 and I have to be somewhere at 5:45. I just said ok, have a safe trip and I will see you when you get back.

I did call him to let him know I was having a hard time finding someone to stay with D16 and if I couldn't, I would have my mom call her every so often to check on her. We have no local family, so if I can't find anyone, I am out of luck.

I did find someone and am looking forward to this evening. The forum continues tomorrow. I've been the past 2 years, and it is a truly inspirational event. For my leadership skills, which I need to learn how to turn off at home!! I had someone today tell me I might be the next mayor (in a joking fashion).

Now I know what people say about the work/life balance. I go to all of these leadership events and training programs, and it backfires at home. Geez, why don't they teach us how to turn this crap off?

[labug]

Ha, I get it! I'm a go to person in an emergency, someone people look to for support, advice, leadership. I brought that home with me, too.

But to your question: If you are looking for affections when you rub his shoulder, for example, and will be hurt if you don't get that, don't rub his shoulder. Work on detaching and get to the place where you can do it without expectation.

[hopefulinga]

But to your question: If you are looking for affections when you rub his shoulder, for example, and will be hurt if you don't get that, don't rub his shoulder. Work on detaching and get to the place where you can do it without expectation.

I figured that is what you were talking about. And it is hard and I know I need to detach. I know what part of my problem is - I'm trying to figure out what is going to be "right" or make him happy. I know, I know. Not what I should be doing. And I don't do it all the time. I am working on me. I think part of working on me is trying to be a little more loving. Everywhere I turn, I hear people talking about someone's beloved wife. It almost makes me want to cry.

I did hear a good quote tonight. You cannot be self absorbed if you want to serve others.

Thanks for your thoughts labug

[~ kd ~]

Hi, Inga... I thought I would bring over your post from Zig's thread to make a few comments:

Hmmm, I will have to see how I can apply some of that. It will take a lot of self control on my part. For example, I wrote about the handy man I hired in one of my posts. One day I pulled the chain on D16's overhead light and ripped it right out of the light. H told me to get the parts and he would fix it. I got the parts, no fix. He said he didn't want to mess with parts, so I bought a new light. The light sat in a box in my living room for at least 3 years. So, for that time, my D16 had not lighting to do homework, or anything else, other than a desk lamp and a dresser lamp. I finally had a pretty large list of inoperable items and hired a handy man.

My experience is that my H just won't do things if he doesn't want to or feel like dong them. Another example, when I have been unable to take D16 to piano lessons, he refuses to do so, sayuing he's too busy. The truth is, he was too busy to give up hanging out with the guys having a beer. I ended up getting a babysitter to do it. Why? Because I end up being the one inconvenienced and stressed because I then have to go another night, or she doesn't go at all. His mom was a piano teacher and this was something that he supported.

So, if I turn that off, then I have to get over the fact that D16 is possibly going to be the one to lose out and the associated mommy guilt. And she is not going to have any blame issues. She thinks her dad hangs the moon. And he knows how busy I am and how much I do. He jokes about my getting a 4th or 5th job. I also know that he takes for granted what I make time to do.

This would be a huge issue for me to overcome. I totally get the over/undercompensating. However, what you have been able to do is impressive. Oh how I hate balancing successful carrer oriented wife with traditional wife.

You've given me much to ponder. Thans for your insight!

Actually, what I'll do is re-post Zig's notice:

When we have our expectations... as in how you originally thought it would look for your H to step up to his role as a father... as your mother expected your dad to step up in his role... it doesn't look like we expected... so we internally see it as wrong and jump in to fix... and rationalize it as them being unable or unwilling to step into their greatness... for them to grow... to do things in a way that is different than how we'd do it... because our belief systems own us and suggest that if it's not our way... it won't work... it isn't good enough...

Encouraging your H to step into his greatness is one thing...

What's important though, is to realize that his greatness... is just as likely to not show up as you expected...

So... expecting your H to step up and be a great father... by fixing your D's lights and other work around the house... will be your downfall...

I'm not suggesting he may not do those things. Then again... did he complain when you got the handy man?

[zig]

hey KD - that was your writing not mine - wish it was , but i'm not that good!!