I took a phrase from Grace's post because I think that sums up how I feel I'm okay no matter what.
Updates: Yesterday I was bored and thought about looking at H's FB page do I asked myself why? And the answer was dunno. And I noticed that feeling I used to feel where I HAD to know what he was up to with her wasn't there anymore I'm not going to say I don't care but it wasn't gnawing and I thought I don't want/need/have to look.
I found myself randomly feeling a lot of resentment when I was trying to get to sleep and during my dreams. It's hard to put into words and I was surprised about it. It's a lesson to me I know....and I know I can't grow until I've let go of that resentment. I'm not sure why I have it. I need to focus on finding things to be happy for him about and happy for myself. I feel that I am but then I have these dreams....Yesterday I remembered how he made me "hide" a girls vacation I took from his parents because he thought that they wouldn't approve or that they wouldn't think we could afford it (because he constantly borrowed money from the bank of mum and didn't tell me) all I want in my life is honesty and integrity. Truth is I begged him to go with me as a romantic get away and when he wouldn't I took the girls and came back saying we need to talk. Argh!!!!
I am so busy and stressed I forgot I had tickets to something and missed it. I need a family calendar, a to do list, and I need to stop worrying everything will get done. I feel like the next 2 months are going to be so busy and I need to feel on top of it, not stressed about it.
On the flip side one thing coming up was worrying me and instead of going to H or H's mum I looked into it and I think I've found a solution on my own and it's all fine.
Thanks for stopping by. And yes, so much of my growth has been in independence. Even before H I would always ask my family...being the youngest I think they liked helping me, but I am enjoying saying how else can I fix this?
Speaking of independence, H texted me this morning saying "I need a wok. You ever use the one I left behind? Don't get upset please. I'm only asking if you don't use it, if you do I'll buy one" It was the don't get upset....that upset me LOL. He never replied to me on Friday and then wants something and tells me not to be upset.
ARGH
I told him I've used it once. But that I don't like using it as much as him. That I hate the idea that he thought I'd bite his head off for that. I said it's not the case and I'm sorry if it ever was. I also asked him if he got my text on Friday because I hadn't heard back.
He replied and said basically that he doesn't want me to feel like he "stores" stuff at my place and just take it when he needs it, (but honestly what's wrong with that...I don't mind???) since he has things in the garage and he needs to get that stuff that out. He said he'd bought stuff to make in a wok and forgot he didn't have it so could he swing by? Dude you live in walking distance to an IKEA how much do they honestly cost?
He told me that he was driving when he got my text and forgot to reply, my pictures look amazing and I'm really lucky to be living there for work soon. (also his autocorrect changed a word in his text to the name of the coworker I was seeing...odd, fruedian) He then sent me a very long text saying he's reread my Friday text and he had no doubt that I'd do great and if I was enjoying it I'd probably be doing that full time in a year "knowing you"
A friend of mine noticed I was agitated. I told her we had a great time Thursday night we went to dinner getting along fine. then on Friday I tell him all about where I'm at, what's it like, etc and hear nothing...3 days later "I need a wok." She said maybe he's slightly jealous of this great opportunity that's happening, that things are on the upswing for you, that you're really happy.
It's true I only think of me being the one "left out" but the fact that I'm working at the Olympics in a few weeks certainly outshines what he's doing with his GF and family in a week's time.
I just want us to get along and be happy around each other. I'm not sure why he's being difficult at the moment. HAHA is it because I'm easy breezy and it makes him nervous? Is it because I've shifted in being confident and happy?
Either way he said we'd talk tonight. I know he's only stopping by...but then I remembered his mom is stopping by...but it's funny I don't really mind. Me and friend are taking our S's to see a show tonight after H and MIL leave. If H isn't there by the time I go, I'm leaving the Wok outside...LOL
Speaking of independence, H texted me this morning saying "I need a wok. You ever use the one I left behind? Don't get upset please. I'm only asking if you don't use it, if you do I'll buy one" It was the don't get upset....that upset me LOL.
The second bold? You are upset 'cause he's telling you how to feel?
The first quote? Why do you think he might expect you to get upset?
Maybe because that's been your past pattern...?
And what did you do different this time, to change that possible pattern? A 180 might have been great and a change to keep?
You are upset 'cause he's telling you how to feel?
probably! It upset me because I did hate the idea that he felt like I'd be upset with him.
I think in the past I would have gotten irritated that he wasn't being independent. But in this case based on his next text it's his guilt of turning to me for help, he feels bad that he has things in the garage, feels bad that he's asking me for things. He can see how I might feel like he keeps things there and then dips in when he needs them. But strangely I don't feel like that at all. An insecure person might feel that way, but now I see it more like a friend would. I have some of his stuff, when he needs it he lets me know he's coming by. I don't feel used anymore than I would if another friend had things there. We did have some blow ups over splitting things up that (now I can see) came from my feelings of rejection. I felt like he was taking all the nice stuff for his new shiny life.
Quote:
And what did you do different this time, to change that possible pattern? A 180 might have been great and a change to keep?
instead of responding with the irritation I felt I said "I hate that you felt I'd bite your head off, that's not the case and I'm sorry if it has been in the past" I addressed that I may have been less than accommodating in the past and apologised.
I think it worked....because he then said very nice things about my ability to get a promotion, said if you make your mind up you'll do it, you always do. He said I know you're busy at work we'll talk tonight. (far cry from ending our text convos with no goodby just ending it) Two hours later he texted me about that he heard Dallas was back on tv in the states and would be here in the autumn and he knew that would excite me.
THIS is what I had been hoping for the fun friendship we had been developing before the bomb in May. And I responded about how excited I was about that show. Sue Ellen is my hero and didn't mention that I'd known about that for MONTHS, hell YEARS. Let him be my hero, Cheryl said.
When I read your initial post, I wondered if Thursday night confused him, he did not like those feelings, so he pulled away. I know that my W would do the same in the past, be her old self during a visit and then back way,way up...
I think some people do not like to second guess themselves, they want to feel certain.. or they feel guilt easily and do not know what to do when we are nice.. or it may be more about how he feels about himself, your success is a reminder..
not sure any of that is your H and we all know the pitfalls of mindreading... but think that understanding there may be underlying thoughts/feelings going on, whatever they are, may help you feel less irritated?
working at the Olympics..awesome! what a wonderful opportunity for you!! Congrats!
loved your response about the wok. sounds like he might be projecting his own feelings about asking..
have a great day!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thank you for your words Grace. I am very lucky to be living here with so many amazing things going on and things I've been involved in. I wish I could tell you all the details but don't want to put everything in public....why are PMs disabled again? LOL
I think you're right he might have been slightly confused or unsure of how to act because I'm giving him a different person that he got in the past.
So I texted him this afternoon about something else and he replied that he could do that. I said you're such a star you know that? (Cheryl would be proud) We went back and forth then he said I'll be with you in 20 mins to pick up the wok. Again, big points in stating that he was ending the text convo instead of just leaving me hanging. Note all the positives!
He came over and I was happy and fun. I even made a joke and put a sprouting onion in the wok, because he'd texted me a picture of an onion tht had sprouted when he was still living on his own. He said oh come on. I said I thought you were a budding new onion farmer. We had a good laugh. And joked about a lot of stuff. Convo was easy. He was asking me for tips on how to cook something in the wok. Jesus H you wanted it hahahaha. Actually I thought it was funny and was nice about it all. It was good I think. I felt "close" to him if that's possible. I even noticed he STOOD closer to me.
He told a funny story about how he was going to have the house to himself and he thought he was gonna have some hot dogs and go all out he could eat meat (because she's a veggie) and I said yeah because you know those are what 50% meat? And he looked at me really warm and laughed with me, it feels good to feel at ease around each other we haven't done that in a long long long long time.
We took the dog outside and I said to him again that I didn't want him to feel that way about the stuff in the garage. That I don't see it that way. and he goes yeah I don't know I just didn't want it to seem like...and I said I don't feel "used" you might be using me but I don't feel that way and laughed. And he said no, not at all in fact I don't want you to ever feel that way.
In a way I hate that we're in this place, especially when he's here and there's no animosity and we are just laughing. He was talking to S and he farted and I said oh geez the more things change the more things stay the same and he turned to me and pointed and what he was wearing same jeans he's had for a million years and opened up his jacket to show me he wearing a tshirt from my university. I shook my head and we laughed.
So I'm now off to a show with a friend and her son. and I'm bringing my son. GAL in full effect. It will be interesting to see if he "touches and goes" but we did make plans for him to come over on Thursday and us do the lawn together.
Had a great night with my friend and our kids. She's been divorced for 9 years. She is strong and confident and great!
I remembered something H had said while he was here, that he was sad he was going to be missing something because he and GF had to housesit for her sister. I thought it was kind of funny how in the beginning I thought he and she were having this romantic comedy themed life filled with autumnal leaves, musical interludes, two straws in a milkshake...you know what I mean. But anyway now I'm the one doing fun things and he's doing boring stuff with her.
And I also thought...why do you HAVE to house sit WITH her. It's her sister, if you want to go to something go to it. But I didn't dare say that. He's jumped in with two feet and I think he's become co-dependent with her. I don't want to be that way in my next relationship. I think part of me became timid because I never did anything on my own after I met him. Now I'm doing that more and more.
