You are driving yourself crazy by over analyzing and mind reading about everything your W says or does. Believe me, it will get you no where. You can't make sense of crazy.
Put your focus on where it will do the most good, YOURSELF and your D.
The only thing you can control in this sitch is you. Leave your W to her choices and the consequences of those choices.
Work on you. Build your self esteem. A confident man is very attractive. I agree with you that having a job will go a long way toward that. IMO taking a teaching job now doesn't necessarily have to mean that you can't pursue your dream of being a musician. It may take some time but at least you will be more financially secure as you do so.
Your D8 is the most important consideration in all this. Do your level best to never be negative about your W to your D. She needs to be secure in the fact that both parents love her. There could be times you will have to fill in the gaps that your W may leave concerning your D. Live in the now. The past is gone and no one knows what the future holds. Take care of yourself and your D in the very best way possible.
Moving forward doesn't have to mean moving on. You have the choice to keep the path home lit and smooth for your W if she wakes up enough to realize what she's done and wants to move towards home, and if you decide to let her run to catch up.
Strive every day to be the kind of man only a fool would leave.
Hang in there. I promise this does get easier if you let it.
Trying to regain strength anyway I can. No comments on this site so I was chatting a bit with a good friend online, and of course, she tells me to wake up and get out of this relationship.
I don't know anymore. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm just telling myself stories because I can't accept that she simply walked out on me because I was no good. But that's not true!!!
I have always been a good husband. Maybe I didn't know exactly how to love her but then again, all of this started a few years back, while I was going through a depression. Neither of us knew what i was going through and I guess she thought I'd changed permanently to an angry, criticizing, judgmental, manipulative monster. Maybe these traits were in me, in fact, I am sure they were/are but my depression brought them to the forefront and I gave her a few years of not so good attention. She said I pushed her to the point where she was always afraid to let me down, to disappoint me. I can see that. I can work on that. I wish she'd engaged in a discussion instead of simply giving up on us, on our great little family.
And now this. The quasi-certainty that there is OM (women don't use mouth wash to go out with other women - she's never used mouth wash before) is now consuming me. WTF! I suspected it so why is this so hard to take? Who was i kidding? Besides, as I said before. the worst thing that could happen already did. She left me. I have to move on. GAL. 180. I've got a list of things I want to do and I guess I'm working on them but with taking care of D8 full time, I've only got her school time (7-12) to do stuff. Besides, not only has my circle of friends in this city gone down since i last lived here but today i lost my cell phone with all my contact info.
When it pours...
Is that me feeling sorry for myself again? Sorry about this rambling on. I just need to let it out, somehow.
Anyone???
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I hope you saw my reply to you above your latest post. Also I would recommend that you read the resources at the top of the MLC board to see if any of it rings true as to your W's present actions.
You essentially do the same things whether your W is a WAs or is in MLC. It just sometimes helps to know what you're dealing with. If you determine your W is in MLC just know that it will be a long journey for both of you.
Thanks so much for being here. I hear what you're saying about focusing on myself and D8. I understand all of this. You are right. i need to start focusing on what i can control and stop thinking about W. I need to detach myself emotionally. I guess that I'm starting to feel like that now but I feel like it's motivated by anger at the moment and i don't want to feel anger towards W.
I also agree with what you're saying about getting a teaching job for now. I've already approached my old school and I might be good to start in October. That's still a few months away though so I'll need to do something before then.
i do intend to "keep the path home lit and smooth" at least for as long as it doesn't interfere with my sanity. I guess I'll be re-evaluating things every so often but for the moment, I know this i what I want.
I do hope it does get easier
Thanks so much for your words.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
yeah, I've read that stuff and IMO, she's MLC. In fact almost a text-book case.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
It's OK to feel angry. Let it wash over you, but then process it. It doesn't do you any good to suppress it or stuff it down. If you do, at some point it will come bubbling up. Just deal with it so you can start connecting the dots.
Just remember to vent here and not to your W.
You will find that there is a gift in all this. It is time. Time to make yourself into the man that you were meant to be. Time to get back to the Arsene you were before you got married. Time to do those things you always wanted to do, but couldn't because you had to worry about what someone else would think about it. Y
What was it about Arsene that attracted his wife in the first place? How far away are you from that Arsene now?
Interesting development I think. Here is a bit of back ground first.
Before leaving for my own country with my daughter, we had over 4000 USD in savings which was to be used to start our new life as musicians in the touristic area of the country. Some of it was also going to be needed by W to live for the few months me and D8 were away (keep in mind that in the country where I live, the average salary is about 150 USD per month and a house rents for $ 2000 per year).
Now, for some reasons, by the time I got back, the $4000 USD was down to only $2000 USD, which seemed to me a bit extreme. It would appear that W has been using a bit more than I had expected. Having said that, she has been with me for nearly 10 year and probably found it difficult to go back to the local way. This is going to be a problem for her in the future as well as she probably won’t make more than $200 USD per months. When we were together, our monthly expenses were around 600-800 USD per month. I never told her that I thought she’d spent too much considering the situation I came back to. I guess I just didn’t want to aggravate things and beside, I knew she’d paid for the school and some flights around the country for herself and me and D8 when we arrived.
Now, when I got back we’d had a discussion about it when she told me she could transfer the 2000 USD in my account if I wanted it as this was to be used to get a house for D8 and myself. I should have said ok, but again, in order to show her I trusted her, I said that it wasn’t necessary and that I trusted her.
Later, after I came back from my one-week NC, she told me that she had no work this month (During the Muslim holy month of Ramadan all the bars are closed) and that she would need some money so she decided to only give me 1500 USD and keep 500USD for her expenses this month. Again, as this was after all OUR money, I agreed and when she again offered to transfer the money to my account, I laughed and said that maybe I should or else she might come back in a day or two and it would be down to 1300 USD and then 300 USD. We were having a good day and the mood was light so I thought nothing of it.
Other background info which I should mention is that I brought back a guitar which I purchased 2nd hand in a pawn shop in my country for about 400 USD and I bought a motorcycle when I got back for about 1000 USD using money my parent gave me to set aside for D8’s education (I promised W that I would pay it all back as soon as I started making money – and I will). To justify these purchases, I had given my own acoustic guitar to W a few years ago and had planned to bring one back from my country for myself when I left. W knew about this plan and agreed, especially that we were supposed to work as a duet at that time. As far as the motorcycle is concerned, I needed transport since I’m leaving the car to W. I probably could have gotten something smaller and cheaper but the motorcycle is part of GAL as I love to go touring and I intend on starting to do it again.
Just now, after what she did last night, she sent me this text when she saw I was on Facebook:
“HI Arsene I saw you are online. I need to explain to you about money situation. Last time before you left to (my country) there was 3400 USD (it was actually 4000 USD) roughly in my bank account. Then I needed some for me to live for about three months (it was actually 2 months) plus the travelling here and there. I paid for D8's school which cost about 750 USD including uniforms. I paid for your flight back from (city of arrival in country) to (city where we live) roughly about 100 USD. I paid a bit for fixing the car etc. What's left with me now is 2000 USD so last time we talked I told you you can take 1500 USD and leave me with 500 USD so I have some money. I was really crossed when you said it will go down again to 1300 USD and then 1000 USD and then eventually only 300 USD. I am not the one buying guitar and motorcycle so please don't put this on me I really feel disappointed that you seemed to be selfish and thoughtless when you told me that. Or maybe you have your explanation Take care and good night”
IMO, she feels guilty (about using too much money? about being insensitive last night? about missing D8’s school parents’ meeting?) and is launching an offensive to shake me. Now, I’d like to know if I should respond and validate and how much I should say (actually what I should say would also be appreciated).
As I explained before, W never really tells me how she feels about things so this is a unique moment where she actually talks about her feelings so I would like to make the best of it.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
It's OK to feel angry. Let it wash over you, but then process it. It doesn't do you any good to suppress it or stuff it down. If you do, at some point it will come bubbling up. Just deal with it so you can start connecting the dots.
How do you process your anger? I know i need to let it out and as you said, this site is a perfect punching bag but what I mean is how do I process it so I don't end up with resentment? My guess is it involves forgiveness and I know I can do that, but is there something else I can do to get ride of the anger I feel when I think of the way she behaved last night?
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
What was it about Arsene that attracted his wife in the first place? How far away are you from that Arsene now?
That guy looks pretty far right now. My self-esteem has taken a huge drop and my faith in life, the universe and everything has pretty much vanished.
Nonetheless, I hear what you're saying and that's what I need to work on instead of getting myself all excited over something which is still just a maybe and which I should accept as out of my control anyways.
Thx SA. Any comments on the new development? My w's FB text which looks like a trap. I actually like that it doesn't affect me at all. It's almost laughable (especially the bit about me being selfish and thoughtless)but I'd still want to use this opportunity to show her a bit of the new me (or the me I'm working on). I know I'll need to validate her feelings but how should i do it. I'm kind of new at this as she doesn't often talk about how she feels.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
How about thinking about the FB text a bit more until you see her side of things. While you argued in parentheses several of the smaller details, you didn't comment on the main point she made, which is that she itemized the money she spent and it was primarily on necessities for you and for D8.
That you "jokingly" (or passive aggressively) suggested to her face that you thought she'd drain the account some more, she took offense at.
I think the response that would validate her feelings would be along the lines of "my attempt at humor was offensive to you, I see that and am sorry" - if that's something you could honestly say. What do you think?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I have learned to have no expectations as far a my H is concerned. I take nothing for granted anymore. Therefore, his actions or non-actions very seldom affect me. I do validate and thank my H for anything nice or thoughtful that he's done and choose not to call him out on negative behavior. Very little affects me personally and my kids are very good at throwing truth darts to let him know if he's done something that affects them.
For me, I recognize my anger, think about why I'm angry, and work it out for myself. I accept what is, is. I can only control me. I try to handle it in a way so that I personally have no regrets. Yes, forgiveness does enter into it, but you need to deal with it yourself before you can forgive.
If you think what your W has written is a trap, make sure you stay away from the snare. Validating what your W says or feels doesn't mean that you agree with her. You're just accepting that she has a right to feel as she does. You can validate her by saying that you are sorry she feels that way, or that you can understand why she feels as she does. You could also say that you don't remember something quite the way she does when she starts rewriting history. Do more listening than talking. If something she says stings, take a look at it and own your part in it. Fix what you don't like about yourself.
She may be feeling guilty about her spending or she may be angry that you spent the money she was hoping to spend. Don't waste your time over analyzing it.
I see by your sig line that you believe your W has been in MLC for a couple of years? What makes you think that? If she is in MLC please protect your finances because they are notorious spenders. Since your W has left you and you have primary custody of your D, you would be wise to separate your finances so your W does not have free access. You are enabling her new life. She needs to find out what life would be like not to have Arsene in it. A person will not miss what is always there.
You sound like a good and caring man. DBing is many times counter intuitive to what you think you should do. It's hard to get the concepts down and detach. Once you do, you'll find this gets much easier.
You need to read DR as soon as you can. I know getting the book is difficult for you. Remember not to let your W know you're on this site as many WAS would view it as pressure to get them back. It's for you only. Also, when you get the book remember to keep it out of her sight. Otherwise, she'll think all your changes are just tactics.
Make those changes for you because you want to become a better you.
Over on the MLC board at the top is a chapter on MLC out of the DR book. Have you read it? It is the 4th thread down from the top. It may help you determine if W is in MLC or not.
